Just Be

I'd rather have the virus

2010-05-17T19:40:00.000-07:00

So I've skipped from physical pain straight into emotional pain which I recognise as something very normal and familiar for me. Suffering Annie I call myself. I've had a hard day with the three year old. Embarrassed because of his behaviour. He is so very rude to people when he is grumpy. We're really struggling with dealing with this because I think I should let him be, while making him aware of his actions, but I'm sure everyone around would rather I tell him off. He's just acting out what most people hide. He will grow out of it as he becomes more self-conscious and self-aware. But it's hard to deal with. I'm very good at losing myself. I'm very good at having a whole load of thoughts on behalf of everyone else. So 'he's a horrible boy' I will hear the man sitting across from us think. Or 'they're terrible parents'. There are probably so many and they flash by so fast. It causes me stress. It led to me snapping at my husband. We were both in a bad mood as we all went round the supermarket. I had to pull us out of it by asking him if he was going to be in a bad mood for the rest of the day because I got angry once. And I told him I didn't want to be around that and he should go home. Then I realised I didn't want to do the shopping on my own with the wee man so told him to stay. I was still angry but it was the best I could do. So we acquired items frostily until we got to isle 29 where we smiled, kissed and apologised. This is monumental progress I think. In the past we have 'fallen out' for days at a time. It has still unsettled me and I just hate it when we get angry with each other and the fact that it's happening because the wee man is stressing us is shit. Welcome to family life.

The wee man has recovered from the virus and gone back to his old self again. Which means monumental mood swings. It is so stressful. I start to worry. 'He's got too much sugar in his diet'. 'He's too sensitive to our fucked up world'. 'We've ruined him already'. Etc. Another whole load of unfounded thoughts. I mananged, God knows how, not to lose it and shout at him. I saw another wee boy in the supermarket being shouted at and sobbing his wee heart out. By the time we got home my boy had a meltdown which lasted 2 hours due to being over tired and stimulated from a day in town. I find that so, so hard to deal with. I have to be the calm ocean to his raging sea. Be non reactive when he is screaming at me.

He is three years old this week. I am planning a birthday party for him. This is a major big deal for me. I am trying to keep it small, simple, fun. But after a day like today I start to worry and the thoughts are 'it's going to go horribly wrong'. 'there will be too much sugar in the cakes', 'the kids will all go wild and everyone will hate you'. Putting on a kids birthday party is fucking stressful. I don't much enjoy going to them either. But I want to do this for my boy. I am going to have to work really hard to not have this become a total stressful nightmare. Last year my husband and I argued and I don't want a repeat of that.

Also I have been triggered by reading a couple of blog posts (Paula and Sarah's recent ones). With all the stress that is on me right now I have to be really careful. I won't allow past events to spoil my present. I just won't. Thanks for the award Paula but I don't feel like accepting it just now. I am not going to not read any blogs with abuse content this week.

In the past I would have spiralled into suicidal thoughts with a day like today. Usually falling out with my man and not being able to fix it would have been enough. We are better at stopping the anger and resentment. Usually one of us is a bit stronger and will be the first to soften. This evening it was my husband. I had gone into distant staring into space numbness after the wee man was in bed, then I took the dog for a walk. I was thinking how I needed to apologise to him and hug him and show him love because that's what I wanted. And I knew I just couldn't and wouldn't. And I was annoyed at my stubbornness when it would have so obviously got me closer to what I needed. I have barriers like 10" thick metal doors that I shut down around myself. And I was annoyed at him that he wouldn't do it either. When I came home he asked me if I needed my shoulders rubbing and hugged me. Later he hugged me on the sofa and was very comforting and said 'this too will pass' about our fun day.

Even with the awareness of progress made I am typically showing the physical signs of all this stuff. I'm wide awake at 3am again. I hate this. I have to get up at probably 7am, get the wee man to nursery and go and work 6hrs in the community garden with people with a whole fucking kaleidoscope of emotional problems themselves. And I'm thinking 'I've over stretched myself, I shouldn't have taken this job, I want to run away'. Tomorrow will be a struggle. See, even that I've decided and it might not even be true.

The only thing I have to work on is myself. The only person I have to work with is myself. In this moment now. I'm off to bed to try and get a couple of hours sleep. Hope your day was a whole load better!

Awareness and friendship

2010-05-14T13:57:00.000-07:00

I'm in so much pain right now. I've got a really horrible cold virus from my boy, a bit like the gastric flu we had through the winter. No one told me being a mum would mean being ill A LOT OF THE TIME. I have worked through a snotty nose and tiredness this week and just collapsed today. I think it's gone to my sinuses. I had to go to bed early and just lie here and be ill. The strange thing is I have a sort of peace in illness. Because my body is so busy being devoured by virus it doesn't do it's usual responses to my fear triggers. It shows me how changeable my perception of the world is. Nothing is to be believed. I feel as though I am in a no man's land of existence this evening. Too ill to care about the behaviours of others. It doesn't matter. All that matters is our reaction to people and the world. And that's not real. Don't attach to it. Inside, the spirit, the source, it is quiet and peaceful. Our thoughts and our stories about the world create emotional reactions in our bodies. We think we can alter the world to improve our lives or alter our bodies to improve our lives. Just breathe and observe it. Watch the world and your life like you're watching a movie. I love how when my triggers are shut down with the virus at play I have a very strong love feeling. It's hard to describe, and maybe I have a bit of a temperature, but it burns in my chest.

I met a woman at a children's party today. I was finding it hard to talk because my head was hurting. We had a long talk about spirituality and her path. I felt like a preacher of sorts, but without preaching. It was lovely to share some of the spiritual knowledge I've collected over the past couple of years. She has been reading avidly too. She finds it hard to have 'normal' conversations about TV shows etc. She said she's quite a deep person. I told her I have felt so alone with this spiritual awakening I have had. I felt heard and I think she felt heard too. We understood each other. She took my number so we can meet for coffee.

The same thing happened at a playgroup last week. I met a woman who had read Eat Pray Love and considers herself spiritual. We had a great chat and she was keen to meet me again.

I felt very alone a lot of the time as a child. I have really struggled with friendships as an adult. Really felt distant, with dark secrets, odd. I feel that so much less now. I feel so much more accepting of myself. Finally able to peak out from my shell and I am just overjoyed to be forming new friendships.

When I first saw my therapist a couple of years ago and did the Byron Katie work I told him I wished he was my friend. I turned it around and said I wished I had friends like my him. What I meant was kind, spiritual people; people who are working on themselves. It is taking time and it is happening out of the blue unexpectedly but I'm meeting some of those friends now for real.

And of course a lot of my confidence is coming from the support and raport I've had on here over the months which I cherish.

Truly scrumptious

2010-05-13T01:55:00.001-07:00

I'm sorry I can't share my latest baking with you.
1. chocolate cupcakes with chocolate mint fondant filling, green cream cheese frosting and a mint aero and mint leaves on top!
2. Celebrate spring with a green vanilla cupcake, green icing and mint leaves.
3. My husband's birthday vanilla cupakes with marzipan and chocolate butter cream icing.
4. Light lemon and poppy seed cake with lemon cream cheese icing and white chocolate stars.

NOTE OF WARNING: We don't eat cakes very often. I don't get time to bake too much (which is probably just as well) but recently I've been experimenting with some new recipes and have loved the results! Remember that we probably all have too much sugar in our diets. I have had trouble with hypoglycemia in the past which is very similar to anxiety disorder; racing heart, panic, dizziness, nausea. I heard on the radio the other day (while in the greenhouse) that the BEST way to deal with the flight or fight response that we all have programmed into us, and that can be exacerbated by sugary diets is EXERCISE. It doesn't matter what has happened in your life or what is happening in your life now, getting on top of the fight or flight response, accepting it but not letting it get in the way of our functioning can be achieved by working out hard. Running, swimming, long walking, gardening. And knowing how to relax plays a part. So with the exercise learn to breath slowly, long and from the belly. You don't have to do it all day long but any time you get a chance to stop and do it will help. Even just taking in one deep breath and letting out a loud sigh three times will calm the nervous system.

It's a bit of a cliche but I do see my body more as a machine and me as a mechanic and looking after myself is just common sense because I don't want to to be driving about in an old banger.

So far it has been working well for me and I've got quite a lot of stressful triggers from work and home everyday. And it means that cakes are allowed in moderation for treats. :)

Vegetable therapy

2010-05-13T01:31:00.001-07:00

What can we learn from vegetables?

The lettuce are fast sturdy growers but also delicate and susceptible to predators.
The potatoes are tough as old boots and grow well in our unpredictable cool climate.
Tomatoes are immigrants from a warm place and need special care.
Beans start off on their own and quickly wrap themselves around their neighbours as they grow.
Cabbages need space to grow and protection; they can be devoured by caterpillars and pigeons.
Courgettes (zucchini) grow strong with plenty of manure; their rewards are bountiful.

The list could go on and become very long.

The lettuce doesn't judge the potato. The potato isn't confused by the tomato. The tomato isn't afraid of the beans. The beans don't care what the cabbage is doing. The cabbage isn't competing with the courgette. The courgette isn't trying to save the slug. They are getting on with their own business without thinking about it.

Confession

2010-05-06T11:11:00.000-07:00

So the strangest thing happened. I decided I wanted to go to confession. My mum said I can take communion if I have confession. I like to do things right. It would have niggled the shit out of me that I was going to communion without taking confession. I am being tentative with this new move back to the Catholic faith I was raised in (because the school is very good and I want my son to go there, and I want him to have some spiritual education and it's the only one on offer).

I went on Friday morning. But there was no one there. The priests were out doing confirmations. I spoke to a kind lady who works there. She told me to come back after 6pm Mass the following day. She said my name was lovely. I walked away crying. I was walking down the street with tears falling and was annoyed that I had forgotten my shades. I'm a person who doesn't like to cry. If I am going to cry at all it has to be on my own. So walking down a street crying...I would rather be on fire.

The next night I showed up as Mass was finishing. I was crying before the people left the church. I had to sneak into the toilet a couple of times to 'pull myself together'. I kept thinking about how it's shame that makes us hold our tears in. I just don't do public crying! I really don't want anyone to ask me what's wrong! I sat in the benches with the other people waiting for confession and I cried discreetly. As uncomfortable as this was I didn't run from it. I sat there and let it happen because I knew I was healing. I really love the peace and quiet of the church. It's a beautiful old building with high ceilings and intricate carvings everywhere. I find the statues comforting rather than scary. I have grown up in this environment so it's familiar. I could see how terrifying it could be to others. I was the last to go into the confessional box. "Forgive me Father for I have sinned it has been..." and I burst out sobbing "...it has been quite some time since my last confession". I cried for what seemed like quite a long time. When I regained myself I explained that I had lost my faith as a teenager because of the bullying and trouble at home with my father. I explained that I had started to come to Mass with my son when he was a baby but I had got depression and wasn't able to after that so he wasn't baptised. I explained that Father John has said I want him baptised so he can get into the school but this wasn't the only reason; I want him to learn the good lessons I did and to have some spiritual education. I didn't confess 20 years of sins because I would have been there for quite a long time and I actually believe that there are things I have to keep to myself (or therapist and v close friends) to protect myself. I confessed while painting myself in quite a good light, I'm well aware of that, and that's as much as I was prepared to do (I've suffered enough, thank you). When he said 'anything else?' I said 'all the things I did because I was angry with God like drinking too much' and I think that covers just about everything.

He told me I wasn't speaking to him I was speaking with my heart to God who would hear me. He reminded me of the story of the Prodigal Son. I was told to say four Our Fathers. I left feeling release from a good cry and with some peace. I know how difficult I find it to cry so this whole episode was very surprising. I actually think I might have a very religious inner child who is very upset about my loss of Faith. To walk out on a religion that you have been raised in takes a huge amount of balls. To walk back into it... Whether it is right or wrong I'm thankful for this experience. There is a reason for it.

In Mass on Sunday the wee man was really hard work. Whining and struggling and grumpy. I think I would have enjoyed Mass if he hadn't been there! It is going to take time for him to get used to it. He gets a pink meringue pig from the bakers afterwards so it's not all bad. Interestingly my mum said she hasn't been to confession in years and she was impressed I had gone. And when we left the church Father John smiled and shook my hand which was much nicer than the frosty reception we got the week before. It was Father Joseph who took my confession. I think they're supposed to keep what we say confidential, but actually I hope he told Father John what I had said. I couldn't have put on a better Oscar winning performance to get my son into the Catholic School.

The irony with all of this is I have been, for the past 2 years, trying to live a Spiritual life with no support from anyone and feeling very alone and isolated. I have been the most religious I've ever been without going anywhere near a church. I used to think religion was for weak people who didn't know any better. I think religion can be a support and I need that in all aspects of my life more than ever. I humbly admit it. As long as I don't start aspiring to Sainthood and all the pressure I could put on myself to get there I should be ok. I haven't cried like that since my therapy sessions last year. And it didn't cost me £65!

love thy neighbour (even the grumpy Catholic priest)

2010-04-28T14:02:00.000-07:00

I think I'm going to cry every Sunday. I went to mass with the wee man. Mass makes me feel like crying. It happened with meditation too, and yoga to begin with. I would look at everyone in the room and wonder why they weren't wiping tears away. I was ashamed. I feel like crying during the songs. The rest of it I think is absolute bloody dreary tedium in the way all good suffering Catholics should expect. The priest sounds bloody miserable. I'm glad I was able to go to the kid's group with wee man for a short time. We sang a fun song about building community, 'roll it over the ocean, roll it over the sea, we're goin around the world to build co-mmu-ni-ty'. He hated every minute and threw the sheet away we were handed that had sheep on it for colouring. You can be guaranteed there will be something to do with sheep. And fish. Fortunately wee man likes sheep and fish (usually), but he also likes snakes and dinosaurs. My boy wouldn't stand or sit beside me so I had to carry him for a bloody hour; my back was getting sore. Catholic mass is a good physical work out. Stand up, sit down, kneel down, stand, sit, stand, kneel etc. Oh for heaven's sake! I feel nervous at mass. I don't like having to get up and walk down the isle with everyone able to watch you. I always hated that. I hate how the priest comes into the church in a solemn procession with his body guard alter boys walking behind. It's really intimidating! It didn't help that I nearly bumped into them because I had spotted my mum and wanted to change isles so we could sit together. I had to clamber over some guy to get out of their way and then clamber over him again because there was a very old, frail lady at the other end of the aisle so I couldn't get out that way.

At the end of mass the priest stands at the door. My mum introduced us, 'this is my daughter who wants her son baptised'. He didn't smile at me, He didn't look me in the eye, 'they're doing it so they can get him into the school. You have to go to baptism classes, it's written up over there' he pointed for my mum to go see. 'you go that way' he said to me pointing to the street. Well how about that for a how-do-you-do? Well I was angry. Then I bumped into a neighbour who's kids go to the Catholic school. They had been in Mass too. 'They're really clamping down' she said. She wasn't raised Catholic, her husband isn't Catholic. They're also completely unspiritual in any way. But it was easier a few years back to suddenly show up wanting to go to Mass and having children aged 9 baptised. Angry, angry, angry.

When I got home I was sad, sad sad. I sobbed. And like a mother comforting a child I told myself the story of why I was having such a strong emotional reaction. It was a major trigger and this whole taking my boy to Catholic school might not only ensure him a half decent education it might also provide the opportunity for me to heal some more.

I am considering making an appointment to see the priest and if I do this is what I will say:

It is true that I want my boy to go to the Catholic school, but not only because the academic standards are high; I want him to have a spiritual education because I'm glad I had that. But I also had a very difficult time being raised Catholic as a child. I moved from one country to another country and I was terribly bullied. By Catholic children. We were all supposed to show love and kindness and I had none of that. One time as I sat eating my lunch a group of girls walked by me, behind me, and each one punched me in the back as they passed. Even the teachers suggested it must be my fault because the children had never behaved 'this way' before. I learned to become invisible. Or to become a chameleon. Or an entertainer. I lost a lot of myself. I developed a lisp. And became terrified of lunch time, play time, any time I was left alone with those kids. This developed into social phobia and a phobia of eating in public as an adult. (Ironically, I had been very popular in my previous school and had bullied a girl who was new to the school because she was taking my best friend away from me - I was well aware of the lesson I was learning and I knew I would never be a bully to anyone ever again in my life.) On top of this my father was an alcoholic and I was struggling with dealing with his abusive behaviour towards me at home. Because of these experiences I lost my faith.

When my son was born I had a series of stressful experiences that triggered depression. I had started coming to Mass with him at this time because I wanted him to be baptised but I was unable to continue because I could barely function. I needed to heal from the pain I experienced as a child. But the depression was also a spiritual awakening for me. So, even though I am not attending mass every week I have done nothing more than work on myself, pray, practice forgiveness and unconditional love and change my life so that I am doing something beneficial in my community. I am teaching people and children to love gardening. I am also just about to start the first horticultural therapy course in our town.

I am afraid that you will be hostile towards me and my son because you think I have no faith when that is not true. I would like to have forgiveness. When you are hostile towards me I feel guilt and shame and I feel like a bad person. If you were to be welcoming I would feel wanted and needed and would feel happy. I have had enough pain in my life and I won't allow myself to accept anymore, I am worth more than that.

This is the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth. So help me God.

The thing that was significant here was I didn't turn it all on myself. I saw the facts; I protected myself; I comforted myself and I told myself that I would stand up for myself and put things right. I wouldn't be bullied and intimidated. So I'm thankful for the schooling problem and the late baptism and the lack of mass 'attendance' and the grumpy priest.

(Incidentally, and this isn't something I'm going to tell the priest, I would much rather send my son to a Taoist school but there aren't any of those going. I don't think Catholicism is the only way - I don't even think there is a 'way', heh. But I like Jesus and Mary and St. Theresa. I believe it's all stories and they're not such bad stories to hear about. I will teach the wee man many stories. I believe my Catholic upbringing prevented me from killing myself during the depression - because no matter how far gone I was I had that really good brain washing that I was going straight to hell if I did it, and that has probably saved my life.)

And the funny thing is the amount of GUILT I feel about having my three year old baptised. And if that doesn't prove I'm a good Catholic I don't know what does! Stay tuned for further gripping installments of my latest battle: with the Catholic Church!

Don't let the bastards grind ye down

2010-04-24T20:47:00.000-07:00

I'm up in the night again, which is bloody annoying. The only time I've had regular really good sleeps every night was our holiday in France last year. I was trying to think about why I was so relaxed, apart from the obvious being away from daily money worries, juggling work and home life so having much less pressure on. And the main reason I was so relaxed was because it was quiet, remote, not many cars, not many people, miles of vineyards. I really feel hemmed in by busy streets, busy people. And I live in a fairly small town rather than a really big city. But I really notice the difference when I go over to France and there are miles and miles of countryside with cute little towns dotted here and there. Of course, I'm sure there are draw backs to living in such tiny communities, and humans being humans we will cause dischord and chaos wherever, but there is a feeling that you can breathe with that ratio of land to people.

I was thinking about the collective unconscious. How all our thinking is connected. How so many people are consumed by greed, anger, fear. Do you think the ratio is higher than those living for and with love? I do. I know how hard I have had to work and continue to work at feeling and living love unconditionally. How much better I feel now I do a loving job activity, tending and caring for plants. And I notice how hard it is to hold onto that when surrounded by angry, fearful people. This is most of my family!! And most people I meet for friendship!! I'm not saying I'm different, that I'm 'better' than them, just that I'm aware of it in myself and they're not. I know I have to work at it. And they don't think there's anything that needs working on. And wouldn't know how to go about it.

This goes for every walk of life. I particularly notice it in people who are eco-campaigners. Earth Day and any eco awareness events are wonderful and a lot of people put a lot of their own free time and effort into working on raising awareness of environmental issues. I have noticed that sensitive people are involved a lot. (And I say this because I recognise it in myself and past mistakes I've made). Looking after other's needs, even the environment's, before your own. Finding at some point you're dissatisfied, becoming angry and finding an outlet for that, usually some unsuspecting person.

There has been a very personal conflict and falling out at the community centre over an environmental campaign. It has caused a split between people, gossiping, angry outbursts and the breakdown of a group that had been working really well. I feel this sort of tension and dischord. Even though I'm not involved it pains me. I'm tempted to get involved because I'm usually good at helping folks to simmer down and make up. But it's not really my business. I can't take on every problem. People do not talk about how negative the vibrations have got and let's all do something to raise it so we can all go home and sleep better. It sounds like crazy, cliched hippy shit. Sigh.

Question: if there is a room of 5 grumpy people with their heads buzzing with negative thoughts and one person came along with only positive thoughts, would they be able to raise the other five? Or would the negative thoughts people bring the one person down? What do you think?

Here is something I found on line.

Here are nine things we can all do to improve ourselves, our thought vibration and the world around us.

Take responsibility for your life.

Examine your beliefs.

Replace negative, limiting beliefs with positive ones.

Get a pet!

This may sound odd, but people who own pets tend to have lower stress levels and live longer.

Animal therapists even take dogs and cats into hospitals and nursing homes, since people feel less pain when they are with an animal.

Don't watch movies, read books or listen to music that brings you down - focus on the positive.

If you know a film or book is going to be a downer, avoid it.

Focus on what you want - not what you don't want.

Instead of “I don't want to get cancer" focus on “I want to stay healthy."

Be grateful.

If you're reading this, someone took the time to teach you how to read, you have a computer and a place to live.

Be grateful for all three.

Think of all the people in the world who aren't as fortunate and send them love.

Have fun!

Spend time with people who make you feel good, avoid people who drain you.

Find meaning in your life.

Help other people.

Find a cause you believe in and volunteer.

Meditate to attain a higher level of consciousness.

Twenty minutes a day.

You'll see a difference in your attitude.

You'll feel calmer. It sounds too good to be true, but it's not.

Help other people. That's the bottom line.

You can only find real meaning when you pay it forward.

Horticultural therapy

2010-04-23T13:31:00.001-07:00

What a nerve-wracking day I had yesterday! I was told I was outstanding at the interview. I was the highest contender and have been offered the job. :D I have agreed to do it as a job share so that I can continue working in my secret garden too. I decided that I don't want to work more than 17 hrs a week while my son is still not in school. They are flexible with the hours and I think I can probably work with my son with me some of the time. I worked in the garden with the kids afterwards and the mums said they were really glad I got the job. They have another woman in mind for the job share who has horticulture experience and experience of working with people with mental health issues. I hope she takes the post with me and I look forward to her input and support. I love how I have been able to let go of the needing to be in control feeling to positively encouraging teamwork and seeking support from others. This is a big step in my recovery. More fear is being shed.

The wee man still has his snotty nose and wailed and howled when I went away for the interview. Even though he was with my husband and my mum. He becomes very baby-like again and clingy when he's not feeling well. He certainly keeps us on our toes. It's always a lovely surprise when he waves to me smiling when I've left him at nursery, or gone out to a yoga class. And I feel like my heart is being torn out when he bawls and cries if I have to go somewhere. Otherwise he's absolutely adorable. He came into our bed for stories at bedtime. He told me he was sad and wanted cuddles when I went away. 'That must have been really hard for you' I said. And he nodded.

I'm up in the middle of the night. I was anxious all day due to the interview and on top of that my period is due soon. I felt my monthly migraine coming on when I went to bed. I took neurofen plus which was a big mistake. Whatever it has in it makes me stay awake buzzing. I had forgotten it's happened before. Though it's quite lovely being up in the darkness and silence. My dog has his paws that smell like peanut butter on my feet, lying snoring beside me. I'm so hot I'm like a storage heater. God knows how I'm going to cope with the menopause.

I hope the wee man allows me to have a lie in (see who's the boss in out house!) Children want to be with whomever they see the most, which is me. My friend's husband looks after their kids and she has the opposite; her kids don't want her to put them to bed. I haven't had a lie in in at least 2 years. Lie ins aren't much fun when you've got a small person shaking the walls with his screaming "MUMMY!". I'm always writing about the hardest bits of being a mum because it's what I like to whinge about. But of course we have many, many lovely moments. And with the terrible twos is also a little guy who can laugh the most infectious, heartfelt belly laugh from the slightest thing which is priceless. "Ooh (you) be funny!" he tells me and his dad. We love clowning around. If you want to learn about the full range of emotions in their raw, natural state spend time with a toddler.

Tomorrow we are supposed to be doing a volunteer potato planting at a farm and going for a walk in the woods. I hope my rotten hormones and migraine don't spoil it. It's going to be hot tomorrow too. There has been hardly any spring at all this year. It has gone from winter to summer in a flash. I think I will have a strong coffee when I get up. I rarely drink coffee so it really works for me when I need a pick up. And I will probably be conked out in bed before the wee man and before the sun has gone down.

Hope you have a weekend doing things you love to do!

Dream messages

2010-04-21T23:25:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt a river was running very, very fast. All the bridges were raised and boats were rushing though at an incredible speed. I was on shore watching. A boat stopped nearby. I saw what looked like an African king come off the boat with his entourage. As they came closer the Queen and her brother stopped in front of me. She was towering above me. She told me she was 8 ft tall. She bent down and kissed me, with the most gentle comforting smile. She was pleased with me and happy to meet me. When I woke up I had a lot of new ideas for the community garden and a new found confidence.

And this was after a half hour bedtime tantrum from the wee man that was quite surreal. Him: completely lost in his emotions and out of control from over tiredness and still having the remnants of a cold. Trying to get out of his room to go back downstairs. Me: knowing he was out of control and could hurt himself, sitting in front of the closed door. Him: pushing me out of the way with all his might. Me: occasionally asking him to go into his bed please. Him: rage escalating, pulled his bed from the wall and into the front of the room. Started to say 'someone help me, someone help me' and kicked the door. Me: it's ok, it's ok in a gentle voice. Him: hitting me. Me: I love you. Eventually like a storm fizzling out, he became quieter and his emotions settled. I moved the bed back against the wall and he got in. I asked him if he wanted something to eat and some drink. He asked for an oatcake with honey. I went and got that while he stayed in his bed. I asked him how he was feeling. Me: Are you angry? Him: no. Me: are you sad? Him: no. Me: are you happy? Him: nod. Me: Why are you happy? Him: no answer. Me: is it because you're eating a honey oatcake? Him: nod. Me: laugh, that would make anyone happy. My wee man is training me to be a horticultural therapist right? :D

The whole time I was thinking, 'he needs boundaries, he needs to know I'm in control, especially when he isn't. I need to keep him in a safe place. I need to not react to him. Just be there calmly without paying him too much attention. And 'I don't know how I'm able to do this, I'm bloody amazed I am present and calm and in control of myself!

The interview is tomorrow.

I like Mondays

2010-04-19T07:54:00.001-07:00

I'm having a lovely day today. What can I say? I suppose I just don't like Sundays or parties!! I had such a shock to the system last week when my lone wolf colleague pulled the rug from under my feet when he told he he doesn't want to apply for the job as a job share with me. He is unhappy with some of the people running the community centre. I could see he's cutting off his nose to spite his face. He was angry that one of the women was heard bitching about another woman. Everyone does it I told him. The world is full of humans with human strengths and weaknesses. If we were to wait for the sort of people we approve of to work with no one would be in work. That's not to condone behaviour that is inappropriate, but it comes down to facing things or running away. Seems he wants to run away.

So I have had a major dilemma. If I go for the horticultural therapy job I have to give up the beautiful secret garden I work in. But the truth is I'm not that comfortable there when the owners are there. They're not really very nice people. So, I've thought about it and I'm going to go for the job at the community centre. I'll basically be in charge of the garden and that will be a new role for me completely. Fear has been replaced by self-assurance. I can do this. I can do it alone. I have to make sure I don't expect too much of myself, allow myself to make mistakes and know when to get help. This will really put to the test my new life skills. I'm even excited. I feel this is the time in my life to do this. It will be a challenge and no doubt there will be difficult days. But I will be earning a good wage. I so want to have my own money again!!! The interview is on Friday.

We have also been losing sleep over my boy's schooling. He starts school next September. The schools aren't all that good. The Catholic school is really good. When he was a baby I decided I would start going to church so we could get him into the Catholic school. Then I got the depression and started the abuse recovery (part 2) and it didn't feel right. 'You're a recovering Catholic' one of the playworkers at my boy's playgroup said when I told her of my experience of children being hit with rulers at my school. 'I'm a recovering everything' I replied. I left Catholicism because of the abuse from my father. I had just had enough of the hypocracy. But I will not preach to my son anything I can't live myself. And I think Catholicism, like most religions, has some good life lessons to teach. I also had to face up to my own self-loathing that made me feel like the whore of Babylon everytime I went into the church. Sin just oozing out of me. I feel I can hold my head high now. I have forgiven myself . My man isn't Catholic. But he is happy for us to go ahead. I reminded him that he doesn't have to have the same ideas as me or our son. In fact, that's a good think to teach; acceptance that others will believe differently. And I will let my son know why he's learning about the Catholic faith and that there are others. I will also be teaching him Taoism and elements of Buddhism. The more the better as far as I'm concerned. But having to make huge choices like this about my son's future. Wow, it's like playing God. I don't like it at all! My husband and I had sleepless nights. I told him it's because we love our boy so much.

So we're planning the Baptism of the wee man. Fortunately my mum has been going to church for months, so we've got our foot in the door.

Pleasant Valley Sunday

2010-04-18T12:58:00.000-07:00

I have a sort of awful sickness that just hangs around me like volcanic ash.
An all pervading tension, uneasiness, malaise.
The sun beams in a cloudless sky taking the chill out of the air
and it feels to me like it's scorching the pavements.
It is stripping the colour out of the world, blinding me.
I seem to be able to play the part of someone who is 'ok'
at a party outdoors while wondering if my blood might be black.
I can skip while someone turns the rope laughing and for a moment
I'm in the moment and everything might be ok.
I can convincingly chat about my plans and joke about my struggles and think
'I've been drowning for what seems like quite a long time actually'
'I'm not sure when I'm coming up'.
Looking around I know no one can pull me out.
I see the world in many layers.
I wonder what you are seeing today?
I'm not quite sure what this pain is
The skies are quiet
No flashing lights for the stars to compete with
No Engines leaving graffiti trail clouds
Scoured into the infinite
No shuddering growls overhead
I want to leave some things behind
I want to turn a few pages
I imagine that you've got it all right
Maybe you've had your share of pain
But you smile so convincingly and speak so gently
You seem to have good friends
I think I've made bad choices
I didn't know any better
There are so many improvements, (that's what's so confusing)
And yet
I'm troubled, disjointed, walking on stilts
I like a world with empty skies
Slowing down to the speed of a bee
is
how
I
like
to
flee

it's all good

2010-04-14T21:46:00.000-07:00

I spent the whole day yesterday writing out the job application for the horticultural therapy job. To remind you; I started volunteering at a local commmunity centre garden that was being created when I had gone into therapy to deal with my depression, abuse and bullying issues. I have always had my son with me while I was gardening. I worked with some other mums, someone with learning difficulties, someone with depression and a child with 'behavioral problems' (he was fine at the centre - kind and intelligent - he was from an abusive family; they had the behavioral problems. Monkey see, monkey do and he was labeled). I became friends with the guy creating the garden. He's introverted and was seen as a bit of an oddity by the mums (the mums are like mafia at the community centre). But I refused to join in their bitching about him. I liked him right away. We shared an interest in spiritualism, yoga and he was bullied at school. He is a bit of a lone wolf and that can come across as not being interested in people, there are big barriers there. But I can understand that. No one else had taken the time to get to know him. They had judged and condemned. Incredible.

Between us we noticed that there was no one to support and guide the volunteers, especially the two with learning difficulties and depression who could have done with more attention. Then I heard about a grant to help projects that were helping and supporting people with mental health issues in the community. I applied last year for the grant to cover the salary of a support worker (horticultural therapist) for one year. It will be the first time such a scheme will be set up in my town. We got the grant! Legally the position has to be advertised publicly, so I don't know if I will get it, though there is a high chance given my qualifications and experience. It has been causing me so much stress though. Should I got for it, should I not? I really need to the money. We've struggled for the past year for the first time since we were student graduates. I know I'm all spiritual and love the riches of nature and all that but I do like the occasional bit of retail therapy and would like to be able to plan proper holidays away. I have swung between 'it will be fine', 'it will be a nightmare', 'it will be fine', 'it will be a nightmare' for weeks. when I get anxiety I just want to run or hide. The recent experience with the in laws visit; causing me to lose myself and dip into the murky waters of depression for a few days left me reeling with lack of confidence and doubt.

Yesterday, while writing my application I had a whole day of concentrating on a task without a screaming, demanding toddler. I started to feel confidence when I looked at all the skills and experience I have. It's possible to see the positive in anything. Anything. The fact that I was able to create work for myself (as a gardener) which was a complete change of career, while recovering from depression and with a toddler to look after, in the midst of abuse recovery work is quite amazing right? I think I can honestly say I'm quite impressed with myself. My anxieties started to fall away and were replaced by an inner strength. I read a few blog posts that boosted me further. When my man came home from work he was adorable and apologised for all the years of grumpiness. We had a good talk. I had fun with the wee man who didn't scream for half an hour, probably because I was in a better mood. I noticed my thoughts were becoming memories of positive things people had said to me, fun times I had experienced. Replaced by my self-loathing and self-doubt. Rather than, 'I'm rubbish' I'm thinking 'I'm ok!'.

Earlier in the week I felt just awful. I looked at the beauty of the newly blossoming bulbs in the garden I work in and I couldn't feel it. I wanted to be a part of the happiness that exists in a flower or a bird just being. But I couldn't feel it. Surely the sun must have made me feel better? It didn't. I've had happier days in the cold fog. I watched a bee collecting pollen wondering if he could give me any answers. I'm just getting on with my work he said. I went into the greenhouse and sewed seeds and potted on plants while listening to classical music. I just got on with my work. The music that makes me think of the Russian revolution came on. I have no idea the name of it. My thoughts were of ice and death and pain and struggle. I smiled inside. Because it was completely out of sync with the weather and the garden but completely in tune with my feelings. It was comforting. I thought about all the people who have suffered throughout history. I thought about all the people who are suffering every day. I left working feeling calm and a bit spaced out but the anxiety returned soon after. At night when I couldn't sleep I sat on the floor and meditated and chanted. I prayed and talked to God. I pleaded for support and strength to come my way. :)

Last night after a good day working on my application I went to bed sleepy and relaxed for the first time in about a week. I probably would have had a good night's sleep for the first time in a week too but the wee man got me up in the night. He has another cold. It's unbelievable. He's sleeping on the sofa beside me. And a new day begins...

jewels from the natural world

2010-04-14T02:22:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling a lot of anxiety that is disturbing my sleep and internal organs due to the application of new horticultural therapy job, trouble at community centre from a person with mental health issues and everyone (including manageress) not knowing how to deal with her - being aware of how I can help while making sure it is not my job to sort this out and other people need to learn to deal with difficulties like this. So hoping I can contribute by helping us as a group come to the right solution while hopefully not being triggered myself by my own self-doubts and fears to not assert myself the way I want to.

I really want to keep my own voice and not be tempted to silence myself to please the group and avoid more anxiety for myself. I also want to be prepared to accept when I dissapoint myself by going back to old habits rather than forging ahead with my new learned life skills. Wanting to have faith in myself that I may have a lot of very negative internal messages I constantly give myself but I can overcome this with some effort. Really want to keep light and humorous even with anxiety. Really don't want to let fear overrule LOVE.

So far I have gone for advice to my psychiatric brother and my psychologist who I haven't seen for about 6 months. That went well. Though I came away feeling I talk too much about too many details rather than getting to the point. Partly because I love to tell a good story and also because it's been so long since I saw him felt I had to fill him in a bit. And I can't help compare how much he earns to how much I earn and feel grumpy about that. And he said 'that's awful' when I told him something that happened that wasn't very nice and his response felt very insincere; him playing the role of therapist with his programmed responses. It made me think I would actually much rather tell a friend about it in a funny way and have them laugh because I feel loved much more than paying someone who probably hears a ton of woes all day long and has his concerned response down to a fine art. That feels cheap to me. Yuck. I thought I would like to go see him maybe one a month if I get the new job, but I'm not so sure now. I think I would rather spend money on stuff that makes me happy like fixing up our house. I have also realised a lot of our problems stem from not taking time off, time away, putting up with stuff we're really not happy doing. And we need money to be able to make those changes in our lives. I think I might be done with therapy. We will see... I do have a couple of friends I feel I could confide in if I had to or turn to in a major crisis and I didn't have that before. Plus communication with my man is much better and improving all the time.

We're actually bonding over the difficulties of dealing with a nearly three year old. Which is quite amazing. Last night we had over half hour screaming tantrum at bedtime. So my whole day of calming seed sewing and planting was out of the window with my nerves raw from my wee man. Everyday there are lessons to learn, things to forgive others for, things to forgive ourselves for. Accept and move on. We are planning holidays for the first time in our lives!!

I can ask for help
I can feel the whole range of emotions (this is normal)
I can make mistakes
I can learn
I can look after my needs
I can be me with all my strengths and weaknesses
I can be aware of others wanting me to agree with them without having to do so
I deserve to be loved unconditionally

sun, familiar faces, kindness and peace and quiet

2010-04-06T12:25:00.000-07:00

Today I went into work and my man took my boy to the community centre for an Easter egg hunt. His nursery is closed for Easter. It was the best thing we could have done. If I had gone to the community centre I would have triggered myself more. Just being around the mums there seems to trigger a load of stuff in me. And my husband told me the bitchy woman was there. He said she was entertaining. She's not being so catty since she split up with her man. She told them today that he had her up against a wall with a knife at her throat. And her friends won't let her choose a new boyfriend because she goes for psychopaths.

I went into work. My secret walled garden. The sun shone and it was glorious and warm all day. My two colleagues were there working. I had such a huge wave of insecurity triggered by my mother-in-laws visit that I went down the road of thinking I was not worth knowing. Those old thoughts from childhood resurfacing breaking my heart again. So today I was pleased that they were there. That is all. They were just there. Which means I hadn't fucked up. Hadn't scared them off. At one point in my childhood I had the whole of my year against me and most of the year above. I committed the crime of kissing a boy in the park who was going out with a very popular girl. He told me they had split up. But she was raging about it and not about to believe me. Unfortunately I carry memories like this and more that influence my life now. But I'm aware of it. And when I have emotions to go with the memories I feel them. This is healing. My workers are fun and kind. So I'm not a nervous wreck with them. I felt I belonged.

I was feeling nauseous this morning. Every time I go into work I have some ailment to report and R says 'take it easy'. I try to be authentic and not just pretend I'm 'fine' all the time. But, I startied to worry that I was coming across like a misery guts. See how I do that. 'I'm not good enough'. Anyway, later in the day R mentioned she felt nauseous and her friend was ill. They had a good bevy at the weekend and she thought they had some dodgy wine. I was able to say 'no there's a bug going around. My son had it and I have it now'. She said she had just got over her period (which is bad for her) and now she's feeling unwell and her husband said 'you're always ill'. I'm glad she told me that. Because I told her I had decided not to tell her I was feeling unwell because I was worried about always being ill. We laughed.

I went into work and I felt comfortable. I felt I could be myself. I felt I belonged. I observed that this was a family of sorts. And I felt happy. I really love these people I work with. I will probably go through my self doubt and feeling I don't deserve to work there, be friends with them, fit in etc. and I will just have to observe that and not let it rule my thoughts or affect my behaviour. And I was able to crack jokes.I know I'm doing ok when I can see the funny side.

I've saved up enough to have a session with my old therapist. So I'm going to contact him and see if we can work that out. I want to do a review of how I'm doing now since I saw him last and talk about maybe doing some EMDR. I hadn't planned to do this. But the incident with the parents-in-law has prompted me to think about this. Money is scarce so it's a hard decision because I could be spending my money on new clothes (haven't been able to afford anything for a year), a night out, fixing the house up, plants etc. for the allotment. There's always something to spend money on. And when I think how much I've spent on therapy already. Sheesh.

Here's something funny. There are always some plants left over from the big posh garden I work in. So I've been taking them and planting them at the community centre garden that has no money and no plants. I'm robbing the rich to give the poor. Or to put it a nicer way redistributing what exists in abundance.

move any mountain

2010-04-05T21:42:00.000-07:00

I'm in so much pain right now and it's just going to be a matter of time for me to get back to feeling settled. And I find it very difficult to write because every thought I have I imagine an audience with their thoughts about what I have to say/write. And right now I don't want to hear anyone's thoughts about me. Interestingly, in spite of being triggered to the point of collapse (and this has been very surprising to me, totally unexpected!) I can see the collapse is slightly better than the last one. And I can give thanks for the areas in my life which have improved since the last one. I suppose we need these little reminders that though it seems a fall is always down it might actually just be to the side a bit. And always necessary, for growth. Unfortunately the pain for me is the same: physical pain mainly in my back, insomnia, emotions that are difficult to control, regressing, wanting to run away/hide in bed, suicidal thoughts. I know to go to the allotment where the confused mind starts to put everything back into an ordered state. My husband has been taking my boy. But I think he would prefer to be with me. So I feel guilty about that. I feel like a bad mother, and a failure which adds to those negative self-beliefs from the past which have overwhelmed me.

The Dance of Anger was one of the first books my therapist recommended I read and it has been coming to mind with this latest episode. In families there are ways of behaving that go back generations. There are patterns of behaviour at the foundation of all relationships that are like giant rocks. For example, there may be a pattern in a family's past of distancing when difficulties arise rather than confronting. There may be a pattern of not mentioning any event which stirs emotion (such as a traumatic death). These patterns are passed on and on down the generations until someone, someone does something differently. I feel in my own family and my husband's I am the one who is attempting to do something differently. For the sake of my health, my son and future generations.

Abusive behaviour is passed down through families because it is familiar. We all become accustomed to what is familiar. Even when it is horrendous. I think one of the most horrible aspects of this are when you have made great efforts to work on yourself, to change yourself and you find popping into your mind the most awful thoughts, possibly of injuring or abusing someone. You will have these thoughts if this is what you have experienced. Often, it is just a mental image expression of anger, usually unexpressed anger. But it can add shame on shame. Observe it and not judge yourself, but be kind with yourself. Don't let these mental illusions have power over you. Tell yourself, this is what I have experienced and I am capable of the same and I choose not to be. Love yourself. Depression is so humbling for me and it has helped me to forgive my family. To be out of touch with yourself and your pain and your history is so much worse. Then we act out and we repeat the patterns. We get stuck and we make the same mistakes over and over. We wonder why we have so much difficulties and have no idea to stop it.

I have spoken up to my parents in a respectful and loving manner. I wanted to discuss my father's depression and drinking. I wanted to let them know how it affected me. How I still felt a lot of anger towards them. How some of their behaviour was damaging to me. I did this while I was seeing the therapist a couple of years ago. I can't even begin to tell you how terrifying it was. My mother reacted by becoming angry with my father. My father reacted by feeling sorry for himself. The whole time I sat there just letting it all unfold. I managed to remain completely adult. I felt whatever feelings that came up. Though I was guarded. So there was no sobbing and hugging and 'we're all alright now'. My mum did apologise. I'm glad I had this experience in my life. Even though my father was unable to show me compassion and love as usual I accepted it. Now I know I don't have the father I would have loved to have had, but I have a father. And amazingly he isn't anywhere near the hideous bogeyman image I used to carry about of him. Recently I have wanted to go and visit my parents. As opposed to going and not wanting to which was the norm. I have gone on my own with my son. I still have thoughts of how awful they have been, how fucked up everything is. But I am better at watching my body reactions and know to look after myself and leave if I feel threatened or uncomfortable. This has given me strength. It has given me happiness.

It seems weird to be the scapegoat in both my own and my husband's family, careless even, but this is what I believe has happened. I had become a vessel for everyone else's unquestioned, unexamined fears, traumas and emotions. It is a pattern that I was very familiar with in my own family and so I walked right into it in his. I have been with my husband for 20 years nearly. For most of that time, as you can imagine, I have not known how to protect myself. I have, as typical of abused children, put a lot of work into looking after everyone else's needs and been bitterly disapointed and mortally wounded when they haven't shown gratitude or love and concern back. Then have held grudges. So, not only do I have a generational inherited pattern to break I also have a pattern of my own construction to break with both my own and my husband's family. Is it any wonder I feel overwhelmed? Can you see why people give up and get divorced? These are mountains that have to be shifted. No one likes the familiar to be tampered with. They especially don't like the familiar pattern to be tampered with by someone who has come into the family through marriage.

You know the tao talks about needing to be supple like a palm tree to fair well in life. To be able to bend in the face of a hurricane. Rigid trees crash to the ground. But so many of us behave like those rigid trees. Because of fear. Fear of the unknown, the unfamiliar. While I can accept my mother-in-laws behaviour as coming from her own fears I have to also accept my reaction to that. I have to be careful not to tell myself 'I must be over reacting. I must have something wrong with me. I must not be trying hard enough etc'. This is the pattern that will keep me in binds. I can't change her or her behaviour. Her own growth in this life, or lack of, is her own business. I know there are times that have been better than others. Times when other family members have been around and she hasn't been as interfering with me and how I am raising my son. I also have the problem of my husband being in the middle of this and using me as an excuse to not face issues that he is unable to bring up. So much easier to blame. My mother-in-law and I have been left to be 'the mad women' with their funny squables and irritations while my husband and his father have removed themselves completely.

I am trying to create honest dialogue in a family where that doesn't exist. I am attempting to voice my feelings to people who scapegoat anyone outside the immediate family, rather than look at and take responsibilty for themselves. I have had so many triggers this past week it feels like I have been in the line of machine gun fire. I don't want my life to be like this. I don't want family life to be like this. So my husband and I have to work on setting our very strong emotions to the side to work out how we will tackle this. By him standing beside me with this we are breaking a pattern. It will feel to him like a betrayal of his family. He finds it so very difficult to deal with the way his mother is and my reaction to her. 'Why can't we all just get along?!?' Why indeed.

Don't underestimate the colossal mountains you may be trying to shift within yourself and your family. Go carefully and make sure you have some form of support. Especially for the times when you lose your footing and fall. I have spoken to my mother-in-law before about her criticism when my son was a baby. I told her for the first time in my life how I felt. I told her I was a new mum and was unsure of myself, I needed support. She burst out crying and said, 'now I'm upset'. It was as though my sharing my feelings with her was an assault on her. Can you see the difficulty? I thought this would change things. But she has gone back to old patterns. I am terrified of being true about my feelings again, about having an honest, open discussion. Because I would be attempting to move mountains and I already know I am too easily made the scapegoat. So I need my husband's support with this. He is also unable to speak up for himself for fear of upsetting her. I never, never want to have an emotional hold on another person so that they compromise their own integrity and are unable to be themselves with me. I am afraid of retaliation but I just have to remember that I will look after myself should that happen in the way I will look after myself now. And always with love and respect, despite what I have been taught.

going nowhere

2010-03-29T13:52:00.000-07:00

I have had no time to write since I have been working full time gardening on the two days my boy is in nursery. So much to do now that spring is here. Have been loving it. Really, really, really wonderful. Gardening heals and I'm paid to do it.

Right now I'm having a HUGE spiritual challenge. In laws staying. Mother-in-law very difficult woman, very difficult relationship. Now she has trouble showing affection for my boy which pains me so much. She has never kissed me in the nearly 20 years I've been with my man. She doesn't kiss my son. I got my period the day they arrived! My son is ill (again) so has been aggressive to them, then sweet, then aggressive. His emotions go all over the place when he's ill and there's not a huge amount I can do about that. Ironically it's exactly the way that she is. Though she won't be aware of that or the irony. It's like she's standing in a huge block of ice and my boy runs over to sit on his grandpas lap not hers. I have a ball of anxiety the size of Asia in my guts. I am observing it. I am observing all of this and laughing inside at how hellish it all is. I also feel immense, incredible love for my boy. And my jaw is aching with tension. It's amazing. A family visit and I would rather go deep sea diving with sharks.

I notice that on some people's blogs the posts are either 'things are going great' and everyone is happy for them or 'things are going terrible' and people offer support and kind words. It's as though the terrible time is falling down on the path to 'get up there'. As though there is this destination in mind, a person to become, a way of life to achieve; eternal peace, eternal happiness. I believe there is no path and no destination. It's all the same. There is no difference. I am sitting here laughing inside at how horrible I feel. This is the time for me to feel this. I accept it and I am thankful for it. So that I can appreciate my boy. I can appreciate how hard I've had it. I can appreciate that for now this, which is the worst I have to deal with, is bearable. By that I mean it won't kill me. I will appreciate when they have gone!! I feel anger. Then I don't feel anger. I am shocked. Then I am not shocked. I am at peace. Then I am not at peace. This is life and it's all good. I am very much alive.

Here is the News

2010-03-10T04:35:00.001-08:00

A wee old lady with white hair was seen frantically waving at a bus this week. Even with her reduced mobility she was shaking her arm with the energy of a young gazelle. She had noticed a young lady was approaching the bus and was trying to gesture to the bus driver not to pull away. He started to pull away anyway as the woman came up alongside the bus. Fortunately he saw her and stopped again to let her on. Many would have driven on, as I have experienced many times myself, leading to me cursing the heavens. As the woman got on the bus she turned and said thank you to the wee old lady who had the biggest and warmest smile that just lit up the whole street. Wasn't that lovely?

Being a drop out

2010-03-08T00:41:00.000-08:00

I haven't watched any news or read any newspapers for about two years. I stopped during my depression. I decided I needed to shelter myself from any pain outside myself because I had quite enough pain inside myself to contend with! My experiences with psychedelic drugs (taken a few times as a student, very profound shifting of consciousness) and depression (another form of consciousness changing) have taught me that nothing should be taken at 'face value'. That what is perceived as 'normal' is an illusion. There is no truth just perception. But I was still enmeshed in the world I was born and raised in. I have been able to learn about myself and grow as I have let go of much of the world outside myself, especially the perceptions of others, which are put out there as truths by those with the biggest column inches, the largest mouths, the most power.

I picked up a newspaper at the weekend. I used to love getting the Sunday paper. I would scan through the main part, look for interesting articles in the magazine (usually about people's life experiences, the more challenging or difficult the more I was attracted), enjoying browsing the style section. Sometimes I would feel angry after reading an article. As I read the main part of the newspaper this weekend I was shocked, I was horrified, by the nature of disease and dysfunction that was being reported. I was astounded and amused that this is normal; the buying and consuming of horror rags. Newspapers collect the worst events in the world and package it all up. We willingly buy it! We're a nation of masochists. It's not truth, it's not balanced, it's a distortion of reality. I felt so much fear reading the newspaper. I used to read these horrible reports with barely any reaction at all. I was numb to it. I'm not numb to it anymore. The 'quality' newspapers are just as useless and untrue as the tabloids.
The television news is even worse. Booming out on the hour every hour nothing but horror. Bong, here is the latest horror. Bong, more horror. Bong, here's some foreign horror for you to soak up. WTF?!?! No wonder I was numb to it.

Whenever I have told friends and family I don't read newspapers or watch the news they are shocked. 'But you have to know what's going on in the world! they always say. 'Why?' I ask. I think it's false reality I tell them. Then they look confused. They think being informed in this way makes them caring. They have never considered what effect it might have on them. They don't know because they've never tried not digesting this information every day. Maybe being informed will encourage them to do something about the state of the world. Something to help. But they don't. No wonder! The false reality is too overwhelming. It allows our egos to decide it's all too much; may as well look after number one first.

I don't feel I am missing out on anything. I would never have felt the simple, perfect beauty of the world so strongly if I had so many stories of fear and death in my consciousness. So I will continue to be the weirdo who doesn't watch the news or read the newspapers. I have friends around the world and I would much rather know what has been happening in their lives and their world. I would much rather notice the seasons changing. There is much less of an invasive "bong" and a much slower unwinding of time.

I create my own reality. I create my own world. I have enough wounds that I hold in my body causing pain and disorder for me to learn from. For me, that is being in my world.

Being number 1

2010-03-06T03:24:00.000-08:00

My 2 year old son loves to be 'number 1'. "I'm number 1" he'll announce and repeat this a few times proudly. Humans have made so many changes to our natural world. As we have advanced our own knowledge of science, architecture, technology over the centuries we have assumed we are superior beings in our world. Our own growth makes us think we are number 1. The natural environment was existing and advancing before we existed. We had to learn how to adapt to it. Not the other way around. In some ways we still don't fit too well into our natural environment. We get too hot, too cold, too wet. We need shelter, warmth and food that might not be easily available if we were living in the wild. I see cities as being strange little concrete parasites on the earth. When a tree is blown down in a forest it will decompose and return to the earth. Creating a home for many other living things as it does this. When a building falls it causes destruction to everything around. Our world is both solid and fragile. Creating security and stress.

I believe nature is number 1 and we are guests here. I don't believe anything is superior, just that the natural environment is my natural world that I am a part of with all other living things. I don't think of nature as being outside myself, at the boundaries of the city. We leave the city to go to out into nature. We wait for the right time to make short visits to pleasant green spaces, or days by the sea. As though it is always 'out there'. We enter the gates of a park where the trees are kept. We have cut ourselves off from the very surroundings that we as a species are more comfortable in. That is because our concrete jungles are new environments for humans. We are still adapting to them. As a species we have had much longer to adapt to and become comfortable with nature. Our souls sing in nature because we are going home. If we were to turn our world upsidedown so that we all spent 5 days a week in nature, working the land, scavenging, exploring and 2 days a week in the city in offices many of our modern ailments would disappear. Especially the 'stress' related ones. As a world we are experiencing the stress of being out of our natural environment. Out of touch with it. We are ducks out of water.

What would happen if instead of thinking as a day out as being a treat once in a while, it becomes an essential, healing, restorative thing for you to do everyday? How would your world change?

Since I started gardening last year I have been outdoors in all weathers. My peace is right there. I am at home. I have days when I feel uncomfortable, cold, grumpy with the weather. Without those days I wouldn't feel so strongly the appreciation of a surprisingly warm, sunny day. I delight in seeing nature taking it's own course, with it's own rhythm. 'Thank you for allowing me to be here observing' I think. I saw two frogs mating this week. And there is frog spawn in the pond. I touched it. It was spongy, sticky. Hundreds of little lives about to emerge. My heart sang. My colleague looked on the internet to see how we should protect it. But I didn't think we needed to. Surely that was the reason for so many tiny bubbles. To allow for some losses. This was the day before I saw all the messages of death in my human environment. Where there is death there is always life. Nature is in balance. It is us humans who create imbalance. In our environments and in our minds.

Don't leave me this way

2010-03-03T13:41:00.000-08:00

Oy. Major problems at the community garden. The guy who designed the garden moved a load of earth. When you move a load of earth unexpected things can happen. We sprung a leak. A huge flood of water and soggy patches everywhere. We think an underground stream has been disturbed. It happened last summer and there was no money to sort it out properly. We dug a ditch in one part which helped drain water off the main growing bed. But it was never finished. We had applied for lottery funding and were really relying on that to finish the project but we didn't get it. It's a big blow. Why does everything that is good for the world have to be so difficult to achieve?!

So now after loads of snow and rain the ditch we dug filled up with water and the water was directed right down the bank towards the house at the bottom and flooded the patio of the poor guy who lives there. We need diggers and pipes to sort out this problem. There is no money.

So I looked at this garden with all it's problems and I wanted to walk away and go do something much less bloody annoying. I stayed and cleared up all the rubbish which had been blown in. I pruned the raspberry canes and pruned any broken branches from the fruit trees. A song came into my head, 'don't leave me this way. I can't survive, I can't stay alive without your love, ooh baby, don't leave me this way.' I haven't thought of this song in years. I couldn't get it out of my head and sang it as I worked.

The guy in the cafe asked if I was doing the garden for nothing (without being paid) and I said yes. 'That's good of you' he said. I could have been at my allotment sorting out my own earth for my own veg. I feel as though I have no choice. I just am unable to be selfish anymore. I just have to give my time to something that may become amazing or may fail. If it becomes amazing it will affect a lot of people in a really good way. I can't walk away from that. I feel as though I am a guest on this earth. I am able to work (even though I do have an achy hip and should really be a bit careful about that). I have stumbled into this whole project. The grant I applied for which has been awarded is the only money the garden has this year so far. I can see how much I can bring to this place. I can also see the loss there would be if I wasn't there anymore. So I am probably going to choose the difficult path and stay with this.

While I was working on the garden I saw a lady who has the next allotment plot to mine. She's a granny. Her grandson is the same age as my son. She hasn't had time to go to her allotment because of family trouble. Her son-in-laws parent's killed themselves. The mother hung herself and the father couldn't live without her. Their son is in Afghanistan just now. She looks after her grandson a lot. Both his grandparents have killed themselves and he's only 2 and a half. His dad's in a war zone.

I also saw a hearse going along the road. An old fashioned one drawn by black horses with white plumes on their heads and coachmen sitting at the front. The coffin was small. A child's. Messages of death all around me today. What does it mean? It could mean 'make the most of your life'. 'change is coming'. or 'when you die, what did you do in your life?'. I cried and sang. I don't think I will ever be able to stop feeling the pain around me.

We live in a sick society. We all deserve happiness. Security. Loving families. And a beautiful, healthy world to live in.

all looking together

2010-02-24T05:53:00.000-08:00

I noticed twisted roots on trees today Paula. If your triggers are your treasures then my triggers are my treasures. :) It felt like spring!

moving away from pain with pain

2010-02-22T14:08:00.000-08:00

I've been on the stormy seas having a right battle of it lately. Trigger after trigger and my own spiralling down, down down. The client I garden for had a wobbler because a handyman cut down a precious shrub. She shouted and cried and shouted and wailed at him for about an hour. I cried and made her a cup of tea and felt very awkward and uncomfortable. I'm really not very good at staying detached form other people's emotions. If someone else is having a trauma about a shrub I join right in. My boy was ill again. And decided to become full on terrible two at the same time. So lots of screaming and demanding. I stayed up all night nursing him. My period and migraine was due. Losing a night's sleep before a migraine is really not good. So I was not very good at staying calm and reserved and was losing my temper because I was tired and he was very hard work. I really don't like myself grumpy. It's like a bloody beast takes over me and I have to fight, fight, fight it. My migraine lasted from Sunday to Friday.

Then my husband had a wobbler about a job and I tried to help him with it. But it triggered my insecurities about money and him being able to bring in enough money for us since he's freelance and you know how that is: feast or famine.

Then I went to the playgroup with my boy and ended up spending the afternoon in the cafe with the woman I am most uncomfortable around. Everyone else had gone home. She's the one who has been very sarcastic, cruel, mocking, quite bullying in a lot of ways. I felt so uncomfortable around her I sometimes don't go in case she's there. And the odd thing was she's really changed. She split up from her partner and she was almost like a different person. My mind and body was telling me beware but the fact was we had a pleasant afternoon. She said nothing sarcy, she was lighter. To be able to forgive. To be able to just let go of the past and allow a person to change. This is so hard. I had decided I didn't like her and didn't want her to be a friend. So it sent my head and body into turmoil.

Once I started going down I became even more sensitive. Even more needy. Even more vulnerable. Depressed. Nightmares. Unable to sleep. Pain in my body. I took sleeping pills for a couple of nights. I feel like I have to drag myself back out of the pits and mend some bridges along the way. I talked with some of the mum's today. I said the hardest thing is controlling my temper. That I have to hold in rage that my boy triggers and because I haven't been able to get out and do any physical work outs it has affected me badly. One mum said 'oh I let it out'. The fact is, it's better for the person probably at the time to just let it out. Shouting at people. Everyone does it and all the mums do it with their kids. They don't even think there's anything wrong with that. I must be crazy that I nearly kill myself so that I can speak respectfully to my two year old. Why do I meet so few people who even question their behaviour?!?

Anyway, pain, pain, pain. I took myself to a new yoga class tonight because I had got a free voucher. I was thinking I need to do something for myself, be good to myself. Do something to help myself get out of this before it gets any worse. I usually go to Pilate's on a monday night but the teacher is on holiday. So I went to the yoga class. I really liked the teacher right away. It was a good class. For some reason she really brought out the best in me like no other yoga teacher has. She pushed me and stretched me (literally; holding my leg and pulling until I thought it would come out of it's socket) and it felt really good to be able to get into positions I didn't know I could manage. And it was hard. And painful. But I knew it was good for me. So I laughed inside because I thought, 'I've been telling myself I want to get away from the pain I'm in, I'll do anything to have no more pain and actually what I really needed was MORE PAIN'. Ha.

And a change. My therapist said that the worst of depression is the feeling that things will never change and this always comes to mind when I feel the worst. It's exactly right. It's when we here 'there's snow coming again' or when the kid gets sick again, or I have to look at the same old bloody wall and the same old bloody face in the mirror. My worst times are when I feel I am stuck in some sort of groundhog day and it feels as though nothing is moving forward. Like a stagnant, stinky old pond where no life can grow. So what to do? Disturb the water. I like the new yoga class. I had no intention of leaving my Pilate's class and I am usually the sort of person that will put up with any old crap just because it's familiar. But I'm going to sign up for 6 weeks with this new teacher. She was bright and light and we looked at each other and smiled. I'm going to flutter to her class like a moth to a light bulb in the last of these dull, wet dreary February days.

And I moved my bed back into the position it was in before I had my son. We had moved it around to accommodate the cot. Which left our room a year and a half ago! It felt good to make a change that brought back a feeling of comfort for a time now past (ironically). I said, 'I'm so glad there will be no more cots in this room!'.

And I need something to look forward to. A woman I spoke to today told me this. I love how there are messages that come to us all the time, even from people we don't know very well, even from someone standing at a bus stop. Everything in our world is here to teach us something or tell us something we need to know. She suggested a night out. That really didn't appeal. You know the thing, out with the girls having a few glasses of wine. Yuck. I think I am allergic to 'girl's nights out'. But I got a flyer at my yoga class for a night of chanting and singing. So I'm going to go to that. It promises to open our heart centres. And I could really do with that.

Oh and my big lesson, during all of this, is how difficult I find it to allow myself to walk away from other people who are disturbing me or who I feel very uncomfortable around. A legacy of bullying and abuse. I stand there like a rabbit caught in the headlights. I don't need to stand there and just take it anymore. I can walk away. I can even say 'I really don't feel comfortable when you.....' I can. It's ok.

ch ch ch changes

2010-02-06T12:36:00.000-08:00

So the past year after recovering from depression I felt as though life events were following one after the other without me having much control over it. As though rather than me making decisions about what was going to happen next I was just showing up and letting it happen. I felt I was being led down the path of my life. The only trouble is I haven't felt sure if I'm up to the challenges that have been laid in front of me. I started volunteering at a community fruit and veg garden. Then I heard about a grant from MIND to develop a project that would help people with mental health issues. So I filled in the application form suggesting I start a horticultural therapy group. Horticultural therapy has been proven so many times to be help with recovery from mental health issues. Yet there are few schemes available. This was one example of me being aware of a need, trying to make it happen but having doubt about my ability to see it through. I had even decided that if I was awarded the grant I would just decline and let someone else take the position. The grant is for a year's work. I would be going from earning bugger all to a half decent wage.

I got a call tonight telling me the grant application was successful. When I heard the news I had a huge adrenalin rush and felt really nervous right away. Does anyone know what I mean by that? Suddenly feel a bit light headed, tingly fingers, anxious. It's one step before disassociating for me. Which is a bit like fainting but I'm still awake. I knew I had to ground myself so danced like a loon for half an hour. The whole ambush of thoughts that this piece of news gave me! I started in my mind to visualise myself in the job with the people doing activities. It's an example of getting right out of the moment and feeling a lot of emotion about something that isn't happening. I can imagine myself in a situation in the future and feel fear about it. I don't know if the images I have in my mind of future events will happen but I know that I have been much more aware of this happening in the past year.

It is inevitable I will have fear about doing this job. It will be completely new for me and another big change. And I really am not good with change. I know intellectually that fear is good in a way because it can give us energy to do something to the best of our ability. Oh but I really don't like this anticipatory fear. I really don't like having my present calm moment disrupted by thoughts of an unknown future event. In the past I have been so consumed with anxiety that it meant I could barely function. I had to really simplify my life to the basics: breathing and eating and sleeping if I was lucky. I have fear about fear. As soon as I get a fear rush like I did tonight I don't want to face it I want to avoid it. So it's incredibly annoying that I have been led to this moment and feel so much fear about it. I wish I could feel a calm self-assurance that I'm on the right path and this is the right thing for me to be doing. I think I've sabotaged things for myself in the past because of lack of confidence.

I know some of you do caring jobs that must be a bit stressful and I would love to know how you deal with that. And also your thoughts about incidents where you have been held back because of your fears and times when you have pushed beyond them to create new challenges for yourself.

I am so very tempted to stay poor and simple and avoid avoid avoid these uncomfortable feelings. But something else is telling me this is what I should be doing. So very difficult!

Good to be alive

2010-02-03T01:55:00.000-08:00

Hi there. OMG I can't believe it's February already. I have been sleeping very soundly at night apart from the thoughts of, 'I haven't written on my blog for ages and my friends will wonder where the hell I am and will possibly, given the nature of the blog, be wondering if I'm ok'. So it has been bothering me that you might be concerned. If I don't post for ages it will probably mean no news is good news! After I last blogged the nasty virus got me again and I was ill for a week. It was just pure hell on earth. I realise I have been sick with that virus for THREE MONTHS. I've met a couple of people who have had the same thing and also had it lasting for ages and coming back after a brief period of feeling better. We have actually wondered if we've had swine flu because I have never known anything like it. My doctor said I was just unlucky. I was really worried that that was me over and done with to be honest. I was miserable and fed up and couldn't see beyond feeling rotten. I thought my inner light and love had been extinguished for good. With my idea that everything happens for a good reason I couldn't see any good reason for this at all.

Then I got better. Properly better. For the first time in months. No headache. No sore throat. No raspy cough. No snotty nose. Wow! And the energy that came back after having none for so long. It is just wonderful to feel alive again. I had a couple of days of depression after the virus but knew what to do to get through that. So now I've got so many things to do and am loving being busy again. The lessons learned from such a long illness are I'm reminded of how great I feel when I'm not ill and illness can drag you down and we need help to get back up again. A little support from others, a little kindness and care and some heavy painkillers. Those who are ill are difficult people to be around. It takes a lot of strength to stay loving towards someone who is ill. I have huge respect for carers out there. I remember the Buddhist guy telling me about a friend who was dying. He was so angry about it. He made life so difficult for all his family and friends. The Buddhist monk tried to talk to him about accepting what is, to not create more suffering with his angry attitude but no one could change him. I thought about this. I thought, the only problem this man had was that his family and friends couldn't accept that he was angry about dying. I bet they were getting angry with him right? They were thinking 'he shouldn't be angry'. But he was angry. They were concerned about him leaving this world in a shitty frame of mind. Why? Who says the best way to go is all blissed out floating serenely off into the unknown? Everything that happens is a lesson for us. There is a problem when we are not looking out for the lesson we ourselves have to learn about something that we dissaprove of. The family and friends of this man could have learned to love him with his anger about his death. If they had showered him with love maybe he would have felt a bit less angry? Rather than trying to change his mind. The last thing the poor man needed is spiritual lectures.

So after that spiritual lecture it is probably just as well I have so much to do and less time to waffle on :)
I'm busy knitting a blanket for a friend's new baby. I'm decorating my boy's room. I've been up the allotment digging the soil getting ready for the burst of spring. I've been cycling. I have a very good balance with work/looking after the wee man/getting time to myself just now. The downside is I am probably going to have much less time to blog now. But it's just so much fun to be alive and to have air to breathe and soil to feel and grass to run on.

Last weekend when I was working on the allotment I was thinking about how people come into and go out of our lives all the time. Often when we don't expect it. The change can be hard to adjust to. So many events in our lives are unexpected and disruptive as well. I love that I can rely on the fact that spring will always come around. Even when it is hard to imagine on the coldest, darkest days. I don't know how my plants will grow this year, even with the best plans and preparation. But I do know that one day I will go up to the allotment and the strawberries will be blossoming white, the lizards will be scuttling around and the sun will be hot and glorious. It's a comfort to have this to rely on. Nature is there for us to impress and comfort us always.

Another wonderful thing I became aware of is I can go walking in the same area of woodland every week and see something I've never seen before every time. I was just amazed by this. The constant newness of the world. Rebirth every day. Let's celebrate it!

Much love

Being involved and detatched

2010-01-13T02:30:00.000-08:00

There is an idea, I heard a spiritual woman put out there, that we think our thinking minds are controlling us. Making us get up, make breakfast, go to work, or not. As though our bodies play a secondary role to the pilot in the smart suit which is our thinking mind. She decided to ignore her thoughts telling her what to do and to just sit and see what happened. She sat. She got up and went to the toilet. She sat some more. She felt hungry so made something to eat. Then went back to just sitting. Maybe our thinking mind isn't running the show at all. Maybe we just think it is.

What if something completely outside of ourselves is running the show and we just have to buckle up and settle down and enjoy the ride? Relax and let go. As you do when you settle yourself into a train seat for a long journey. Wouldn't it be amazing to think that our thinking mind plays a very small part in the story that is our life, if we only stop believing it is who we are. What if every event in your life was preplanned and every event in your future unavoidable. What if your whole life has already been mapped out. How does it make you feel to imagine that? It makes me think, 'well that's that then. May as well stop thinking so hard'. Who knows if it's true? No one has any way of knowing.

Because of my constant mindfulness I am feeling less and less the pilot of my own story while feeling more and more in control all the time. I am surprised when I have had a fairly relaxing day, an enjoyable evening, then am restless with disturbing dreams all night. Or have a frightening experience that scares the life out of me, puts me all on edge, makes me feel anxious, then I sleep soundly and two days later the fear has gone. I feel more and more the paradox of being nothing more than the player, playing out a part in a life, while also feeling more in touch with myself than ever before in my life.

I have always been the sort of person who has had one or two close friends for donkey's years. I wouldn't say they have been genuine friendships because I haven't been able to be my genuine self. But they have been the only friendships I have known and they have endured ironically because of my inability to remove people from my life, even when they're being shitty to me. At every stage in my life these friendships have been what they needed to be. They couldn't have been anything else. Lately, I have felt a great thankfulness for these people and the friendships have become more meaningful to me.

The changes I have gone through mean I am learning that I have new priorities and am aware much more of myself and what I need from a new friendship. I am aware of how much difficulty so many people have with forming friendships. The intimacy issues, the self-esteem issues, the commitment issues etc. I am also attempting to make friends with women who are mums, people I probably wouldn't have had the opportunity to become friends with before because of different lifestyles, careers, interests.

I see how we live in a very isolated society. The notion of community has gone out the window with the bath water. Even at the Community Centre, there is not so much a sense of 'we're all in this together' as 'I'll be in this with you if you fit in with my idea of the kind of person I'm comfortable to be around'. So the whole class issue, what you wear, where you live, where you're from comes into play. There is a lot of prejudice that is just normal, acceptable ways of interacting in the world. I make those judgements myself all the time. We all do. It takes a little bit of the stress out of social interaction.

There is a lady who lives on my street with a boy the same age as mine. We met at playgroup a while ago and have been trying to get together ever since. She waved to me as we were walking by her house in the snow and we popped in to hang out for a bit.
She is so neurotic that I'm not sure my nerves can stand being her friend. Why is it that I feel so anxious around her? Because I see the suffering she is causing herself and so desperately wish I could turn her pages forward and get her onto the next chapter when she's not in so much pain. And because in her I see myself many years ago and that is unsettling. It's as though I think if I hang around with her too long I will start thinking those same neurotic thoughts and be dragged back to a time when I was a lot less content.

Her needs are so far at the bottom of her list that she exists as a sort of ghost of a person. You have heard the expression 'candle in the wind' blowing this way and that by everything outside yourself. This happens to all of us at times. We are swayed by life events, often feel out of control and floored by them. But this can become a way of life so there is not other way of living. Usually there is a lot of blame on the external as well because we are just completely unable to see the part we are playing in our own suffering. So everything is everyone else's fault and 'woe is me' is the prevailing sentiment.

I have been the one inviting this neighbour to come round for tea and to bring her boy to play. I have realised that every time I met this woman and invited her over it was another thing for her to worry about. She would apologise to me for not getting it together to come round. As though she had let me down. Since I've been able to let people be how they are without too much involvement from myself, I don't really feel too bothered that she hasn't got it together to come round. Even though I would enjoy making her a tea, would enjoy seeing her boy play with mine and would enjoy some company and would love to have stronger friendships with some of the mums I meet. Or so I thought...

After spending an hour with her I realised she is traumatised. In the past 4 years she lost her father, moved to our town, met a man, had a child, discovered the man was epileptic and had to tend to her baby and her man who was up in the night having fits, living in small, damp flat. He was also drinking. They separated for a while. They were talking of getting back together when he stopped taking his medication, went out drinking and was found dead. She is now a single mum, with no family of her own nearby, works long hours as a psychiatric nurse and seems to have a tense relationship (as many of us do) with her in laws.

She told me her story, speaking very quickly, she jumps from one thought to the next, she apologises a lot, she is holding onto a lot of grief and anger as well that is suppressed. Suddenly she interrupted herself. She was hungry, low blood sugar; had to have something to eat. I could tell that she felt she should be sitting talking with me, her guest, but she really wanted to be eating something, which she probably thought would be impolite. When you're nearly passing out from not eating the person you are talking to is going to feel some guilt for taking up your time. While I was aware she was happy to have me there, she told me so, the message I was getting from her was 'this is actually an inconvenience, I would much rather be sitting eating a bit of toast on my own'. These conflicting messages are sent out when we aren't being authentic and aren't able to look after our own needs first. I wasn't sure if I should stay or go.

When she went downstairs to make toast her doorbell rang. I answered the door as she came up behind me. She stared at the person at the door. A look of shock and confusion on her face. It was her mother-in-law but she didn't recognise her all dressed up in her winter clothes. She had shown up for a visit with her husband without any prior arrangement. When she realised my friend hadn't recognised her she was hurt. She showed this by huffing and saying 'well who did you think it was?' clearly irritated. This made my friend feel angry. She went downstairs to make her toast leaving the mother-in-law to go see her boy who was sitting upstairs playing with my boy. I followed her down. She was so angry she was shaking. Then she told me nervously not to stay downstairs that her mother-in-law would think we were talking about her. (She was talking about her mother-in-law).

The rest of the time my friend was incredibly uncomfortable. She clearly resented her parents-in-law showing up without warning. It was on one of the really snowy days when there were weather warnings and advice not to travel unless necessary. The two boys were playing incredibly well and I was trying to enjoy being with them with all this craziness going on around me. My friend became anxious about the toys being taken out while admitting she had far too many and this was the problem. When I started to tidy up as we were leaving she told me not to in case I was putting things in the wrong boxes. The whole experience was exhausting. I tried as best as I could to not involve myself with it. To stay calmly, and happily detached. I chatted to the in-laws. I chatted to her boy. I chatted to her. But the tension that was floating about in that air. I find it impossible to tune out from that. I think I am a sponge that soaks up negativity.

It's all the things that go unsaid that I can hear loud and clear. It's the frustration of actually seeing events played out in a way that wouldn't cause anyone any upset or stress and not being able to make that happen. Being able to see an alternate universe that is there if you just walk through the right door and not being able to lead anyone to it.

I thought an afternoon at home with just my boy and I was hard work. I had the idea that a neighbour down the road with a boy the same age would be great. We could relax and have a cup of tea while they played. OMG. This poor woman is completely incapable of relaxing. She obviously hasn't relaxed in years and probably doesn't know how to. I think for my own nerves, a friendship with her isn't going to be good for me. And this is the part that is difficult for me. Being aware of that and not feeling guilty about it but making an effort to meet someone else for a friendship I will enjoy. My pattern in the past would be to be in a friendship that I felt nervous and uncomfortable and not think anything of it. Or just hide. I also have to face the fears I have of feeling uncomfortable around people who are not walking car wrecks. Because then I feel I am not good enough to be their friend. And will potentially go to extreme and ridiculous lengths to be liked. There are an awful lot of people who are unable to control their emotions, their thoughts or the things they say and are making no effort to try either. Anyway, with all the tension I managed to drop a total clanger myself. She was going on about being hungry and her blood sugar dropping for so long without actually making any food that I said, 'just go and make your toast; I don't want you dropping dead on me!'.

With my childhood experience of rejection and bullying for many years due to moving from one country to another, one school to another, these are lessons that are important to be aware of, pay attention to and understand if I am to move forward and make new, healthy friendships. I know that ironically, as my son grows, he will not be interested in kids of my friends and will make his own friends who will have parents even further out of my comfort zone. I am lucky I have my long-term friends I have known since before I became a mum. They are all childless. A woman who lives alone though has a partner, a gay man and a single man. So I can escape and be with them when I need to be with someone I can totally relax with and have fun with. I am feeling the need to have a weekend away very soon!!!

And to go back to my first point in the post I am able now to watch all this stuff unfolding. All the feelings the conflicts that come up with myself and with other people and not be dragged into the middle of it, not lose myself in it. Not try and think myself out of the problem too much. Just observe, accept, ponder, sleep on it, write something, leave it behind and do something fun. Until the next challenge comes along.

beware of the enlightened

2010-01-04T05:55:00.000-08:00

Having a right bloody rotten old day today. I'm so fed up with this cold. Though I'm not sneezing so violently so hopefully the worst is over. My man took my boisterous boy to the toddler gym to burn off some energy. It took us about an hour to get his nappy changed and persuade him to get clothes on. This happens every day. He has no notion of the future. So in once sentence he can agree that going to the gym would be great in the next he's happy to sit on the floor in his pyjamas. He doesn't know that his sick mother will nearly keel over and die if he doesn't get out and get some exercise. His mother knows that in a short while he will be bored and whining and over-tired but not tired enough to sleep. He doesn't know that. When he gets to toddler gym he'll have a great time. He'll have forgotten he refused for an hour to put his clothes on. He won't be aware that his dad was getting fed up with all this (not being used to dealing with it), wishing he was at work and resenting the sick mother for not getting up and getting on with it. Meanwhile, the sick mother is fed up the the back teeth with the lot of them, needs to lie down, needs peace and quiet and is racking her brains where she can run away to with no money.

So the only person being truly in the moment, is the two year old. Sometimes, I could really tell every spiritual guide to go fuck themselves. Really. Talking about the space and the quiet and the breath. I want to put them in a room with a 2 year old and see how in the moment and at peace they are after 24 hours. It's all totally true. But human development is not conductive to bliss and mellowness.

This brings me on to emotions. The constant bloody battle with emotions. Well, first we have to acknowledge they are there, which is unfortunately beyond most people on our planet right now. Before I went away at Christmas I was starting to get seriously hacked off with my zen buddhism class. After we meditate for an hour we have a discussion. There is an Indian man who loves the sound of his own voice who usually is the first to pipe up. He speaks about peace in himself and his family. His job is corporate motivational speaking. Helping the people who are destroying the planet to get in touch with themselves and function more efficiently. But then he will say "we are all sleeping". He wonders how he can get rid of his ego. 'Get severe depression' I say. I notice that the people in the group don't talk about themselves. They will talk about 'us', 'we'. Defining themselves as a society or an age group or a geographical location to avoid actually being who they are. I only talk about myself. Because nothing else is real. I am not even real. But I'm the only subject there's a good chance I have half an ounce of knowledge about. I also ask questions. People in the group really don't like this.

One woman said, 'we are being over-run by old people. There are not enough people or facilities to look after them'. 'How do you know this?' I asked. 'Statistics she said indignantly. Every week this lady reels off impressive statistics that prove we are all doomed. Where is she getting these statistics I wonder, it's incredible. It's like she has a hot line to God about the state of the world. She reads medical magazines at work. Aaah... She works as a chiropodist, filing the gnarly nails of the local geriatrics. Aaah... she's getting older herself. So her very strong, unshakeable views about the state of the world are her own fears for herself fueled by 'statistics' that are nothing more than numbers that change with every second we are alive. I will be amazed if she ever comes to the group and says 'I am so afraid of getting old and being on my own'.

Because I ask questions and speak about myself in a fairly assured way while being honest about my 'failings' I noticed that I was really unsettling everyone. They started projecting onto me things they felt guilty about. For example. I spoke about leaving my learned behaviour behind, allowing myself to be open to whoever I could be. 'We were never taught to question things!' the toe clipping lady exclaimed. As though this was an option that is only open to 'my generation'. 'Well, neither was I. We only question things if we question things. If we don't we don't.' Then other people in the room started joining in. It became an opportunity for them to use me as a representative of 'the younger generation, who have it so much better' and to express all their frustrations. And I'm sitting there thinking, 'I'm no different from you. I don't define myself as a generation or woman or a mother. In fact I'm nothing but a fabricated identity as you are. So this is all ridiculous'. It felt like they were ganging up on me. It triggered bullying memories and my body reacted accordingly. At the end the Buddhist monk said to me 'just keep paying my pension' and laughed. So what to do? Do I point out the reality I am witnessing. Which might not be reality, it's just another story, my story of the conversation that has just taken place?

Another day I made the Buddhist monk hopping mad. When the Indian man was going on about peace again. The peace in his life, even though he's fast asleep and is in a perpetual search for something. I said how I believed it was an impossibility to have complete peace in life and so it's a wasted thing to strive for. We will all have peace, plenty of it in death. We are all human, we have emotions, to deny that is to deny being human, to deny being ALIVE. I said I accept my anger now. That caused a huge wave of in breath in the whole room. I smiled.

Please get off the stage pretending to be enlightened Buddhas people! You are playing the part of a smiling, wooden buddha statue that can be bought in any cheap, high street shop full of spiritual crap. Please don't tell me you feel no anger, sadness, jealousy, frustration etc. etc. (I didn't say any of this. do you think I'm crazy, I don't want to start the first Zen Buddhist massacre). I followed on with, 'anger can be useful when it's used in the right way. Look what Bob Geldof did. If he didn't feel anger he wouldn't have been motivated and wouldn't have shaken up the system and wouldn't have persuaded so many people to wake up and do something.'

The Buddhist monk said, 'I think anger is useful for absolutely nothing! I used to work for Green Peace and I would meet people who were permanently angry and would jump from one cause to another' (he was clearly angry with them, even now). People become caught up in their anger and it controls them!' He finished speaking with a loud sigh, a frown on his face. The room was silent. There was a heaviness and a tension left by the energy his anger had brought into the room. I smiled. 'I totally agree' I said. Because I did. It is destructive when anger takes over you. As he had just so bloody clearly proved! But to be angry about anger and totally oblivious to your own is comical and tragic.

I've been quite exhausted by these discussions after the hour long meditation. I am not comfortable around others who claim enlightenment and clearly could do with a bit of psychotherapy. I've been wondering what I should do. Because I won't play the game. I won't go there and pretend I'm enlightened or at peace. (Maybe once my periods stop, but until then, seriously I have hormones. I like them. It means I have blood flowing in my body). I wonder if I should go and be Tao; sit there and say fucking nothing. Let them play out whatever games and roles they feel like. Let them proclaim their knowledge about the state of the world, backed up by statistics. Let them claim to be full of peace like Gandhi and go to work in canary warf helping businessmen find ways to more efficiently ruin our world.

Is it enlightened to feel no frustration for the masks, the lies, the hypocracies, the projections? Isn't the peace just another state of ego-led comfort? They are right; Echhart, Byron, Buddha, Jesus, Dyer etc. etc. in the moment, the present moment there is peace and nothing else. Until there isn't. And then there's something else. And why does that happen? Because it has to? Because we may as well all lie down and go to sleep otherwise.

I have been looking forward to having a rant about this for quite some time and my cold has given me reason to do so. See, there is a reason for everything. Don't beat yourselves up striving for someone else's definition of enlightenment or because you feel your lacking in peace in your life. If you need to question things you will. If you need to look for a way, you will find one. You've got everything you need. You're alive. That is wonderful. Just be.

I'm very angry today.

hello robin red breast

2010-01-03T10:44:00.000-08:00

I've been meaning to indulge in more robin love but have been distracted by the Irish and collapsing buildings. It's been so lovely to get the recent comments from Vicki and Fire Byrd appreciating the robin. So for robin lovers:

I found a lovely site that has lots of information about all sorts of symbolism. www.whats-your-sign.com.
From her site "When we ask questions, we are given answers in the form of signs and symbols. Always."

Animal symbolism of the red robin deals with:

Joy
Hope
Clarity
Renewal
Pleasure
Simplicity
Happiness
Satisfaction
Rejuvenation
Contentment
Bright future
New beginning

And from the RSPB web site I was tickled to learn that the robin's beautiful song is actually used to defend it's territory. So they're feisty little buggers. And this reminds me of my grandfather who had a catapult to scare cats from his garden and was known to use it on the local kids too.

"Autumn and spring songs are distinctly different. The autumn song starts after the moult, from late summer onwards. It is more subdued and melancholy in its tone, while the spring song is powerful, confident and upbeat.

The spring song can start as early as mid-December, reaching full force in spring. Its purpose is two-fold: to defend a territory and to attract a mate. Therefore, spring song is far more powerful in males.

Robins are adapted to life in poor light and are often active in half-light when few other birds are about. They tend to be among the earliest birds to start the dawn chorus and one of the last to stop in the evening.

Street lights and floodlights can trigger singing in the middle of the night, and if roosting robins are disturbed, they can burst into song even in complete darkness."

"Despite being fiercely territorial against their own kind, robins do not normally bother about birds of other species near their nests. The parental instincts of robins are highly developed, which has led to the frequent reports of robins feeding the chicks or fledglings of other species. The most regular recipients of this unexpected care are song thrush, blackbird, spotted flycatcher and willow warbler."

"As a species the robin is doing very well and its population has increased by 45% since 1970."

"Along with other small songbirds, robins are relatively short-lived. They live on average only a couple of years, but a few reach quite an advanced age. The oldest known wild individual was 11 years 5 months. Mortality is high and its causes are many and varied. Only 28% of fledglings and 38% of adults survive to the following year."

Really, when you think about it, Robins are a lot like the Irish. You can listen to their beautiful song here.

And finally, a poem:

Beautiful Robin Red Breast.

Hello Robin Red Breast.
How do you do?
Sitting on the fence watching me,
as I look out at you.
You seem to know I see you,
even though I don’t come outside.
You sit there strutting your beauty
with such spirited pride.
You sing such a pretty song,
and I know it won’t be long,
till the warm weather comes along.
Then I can come out and listen to you
since you seem to like having me near.
So your wonderful chirping sounds
will be easier for me to hear.
You are so friendly and faithful
that you come by every year.
It is strange how you know, exactly when to appear.
It is like you can read my mind, to know,
when I will look out the window.
The beauty of your colors,
for me, you are there to show.
Beautiful Robin Red Breast, you are one of God’s favorite things.
And I think he sends you to see me every year,
because he knows how much joy,
your appearance brings.

Copyright © by Judith Pleasant 4/3/2004

the sufferin Irish

2010-01-03T09:31:00.000-08:00

My goodness I'm being tested to the limit at the moment. Never ending cold viruses and a son who is so attached to me, he won't go and do anything with anyone else. He won't go and do anything with his dad unless he really, really wants to. I have got the worst cold I think I have ever had in my life. When I move about I have been having the most violent sneezes. I'm sure the walls of the house must be shaking. My son won't let my husband change his nappy so I have to do it. Hands full of shit, nose streaming, ugh. While Mike mentioned moving into the new consciousness in a recent comment, I have started to wonder if I am going to be wiped out by a mass virus clearance by God before I fully get there. Like Noah's Ark, he got fed up waiting for me changing from being a useless human and decided a flood of snot for me to drown in would be the kindest thing for me and the future of the planet.

I have never been so sick for so long ever before. Why does it have to happen now when I have a 2 year old with more energy than the whole cast of Riverdance?! I finally made it up to bed this afternoon and conked out after he bounced on my head for a while. I just woke up thinking how lovely it was to be on my own with the chance to write some more when I heard his little feet pattering up the stairs. He's now high as a kite, rolling around on the bed screaming, being tickled by his dad. I just want to be well enough to enjoy it! He has only had a short walk to the shops today. Usually we have to walk him a couple of miles each day to burn off his energy. Relatives were amazed by how active he is and how far he can walk. He's standing over me biting the top of the laptop now. He usually goes 'mummy 'puter close' and smacks it shut.

I just read 'Don't Wake Me at Doyle's' which is the story of an incredible Irish woman who left her husband and wrote her life story at the age of 70-something after she found out she had cancer. She was born poor and had nine children to a womanising alcoholic who beat her and emotionally abused her. A couple of times when she was ill her children had to go into care. She suffered a couple of breakdowns in her life too. It's similar to the life my nana had (without the breakdowns or the children going into care). Very normal for so many Irish women. But bloody awful!!!! My mum had to help raise her 3 siblings in a two room flat. There's was a small family for Irish Catholics. The kids all shared a bed. My nana was sent to prison for a while when she couldn't pay her rent, because her husband spent in on drink. My mum relied on her granny nearby and neighbours to help her feed her brother's and sisters.

In the 60's my nana was moved into a shiny new high rise flat with shiny new damp that appeared on the walls. That flat was never warm. I used to walk into my uncle's bedroom (who was a few years older than me; an accident) and it was forty below in there. They pulled those flats down a couple of weeks ago. I saw the big pile of rubble covered in snow and the unusual expanse of sky where they once stood. The flats were on the top of a hill. There was a pub at the bottom of the hill that my grandpa drank in. I remember sitting at the bar eating crisps. I told my mum this once. She said there was no way I had ever been in there. But I remember it! I wonder if she left me with my grandpa and he had taken me off to the pub without telling her. I remember having a great time. Recently the flats were inhabited by asylum seekers. No one else willing to live in them anymore. Not even the Irish. I wonder if they've been sent home. The whole landscape is completely different without the flats. 'That view hasn't been visible since the 50's' my brother pointed out. Which is true. Odd to have a view hidden for 60 years suddenly appear again. The paradox of progress taking us back in time. So much in life hidden from view. Sometimes a little demolition is needed.

I have a sort of survivor's guilt, even though I've had enough to contend with in my own life. But I felt guilty for having it better. I couldn't see the flaws in my own childhood for a long time because 'it could have been a lot worse'. Poverty brings challenges that many people don't learn and grow from. Many succumb to the drink and their minds go to hell and their families with them. Add to that being a 'good Catholic' and having far too many children. Talk about SUFFERING. I have felt guilty for the pill, for getting on top of my drinking, for living in a three story house, for doing a job I enjoy and being well paid for it, for turning my back on Catholicism. This has been fed by the envy my parents have felt towards me. My accomplishments, which I'm sure they have really wanted for me, also making them aware of their failings. And rather than being thankful and doing something about it, just getting stuck in the pattern of criticising me to make themselves feel better. My friend said recently how lucky our parents are that we are so kind and considerate to them. How things would be if we reacted in the same way. 'We would have stopped speaking years ago' I said.

me, you and the others

2010-01-03T01:51:00.001-08:00

It's so strange going through a HUGE metamorphosis in personality as I have in the past couple of years. To everyone else I probably appear exactly the same. Though a very old close friend did say recently she noticed I seemed a lot more at peace and relaxed. I really see now when people project their image of me onto me and it's not me. And when I do it to them. Most of the time I see it. It amuses me. And leaves me thinking 'so who are we, really?'. And ultimately we are sort of nothing, no one. And in that we have the possibility to be anyone.

When two people are talking there are six people present. There is the way we portray ourselves, the way other people see us and the way we actually are.

At Christmas I was at my brother's house. I felt no need to judge him or his life. I felt no binding attachment that would make me feel the need to interfere in his life, as I would have done before. The well meaning big sister being nothing more than a pain in the arse. I sat in his house and I felt as though I was a stranger who had just wandered in off the street and sat down in this person's home. I felt quite privileged to be there, though very bemused. It made me feel I could go and sit in anyone's house and be 'family'. It amused me.

Something I notice with the massive change is how unsettling it can be. For example, I wrote my piece about the robin yesterday. Later that evening I thought about it and a whole load of thoughts flowed: what an embarrassingly sentimental post, what are you thinking posting something so personal?!? folks are going to think you're a bit daft, a bit simple. This happens quite a lot when I post a new piece. Then I am always surprised when I don't get a whole load of comments laughing at me and ridiculing me. This expectation shows me the reaction I've always received in my life and the parts of myself I've hidden in an attempt to protect myself from further ridicule. And it's no surprise that it's my sensitive, intuitive, loving side.

So being aware of learned patterns and reactions is a big move forward. I'm deliberately ignoring my usual reactions, my usual fears. But they come up all the time. It's like layers of shadows. It's becoming less terrifying and more amusing all the time.

For the love of the robin

2010-01-02T12:26:00.000-08:00

I really, really love robins. I love going out for walks in the woods and country when everyone else is indoors warming their toes and stuffing their bellies. Empty paths without footprints. Silence. I love that robins appear out of nowhere. Always on their own. They're cocky, cheeky birds who seem to know they are rare and delightful. They flash red on a white wintry path from a distance, then hop and dance this way and that, coming closer all the time, showing off how light and unencumbered they are.

The first time I fell in love with a robin was when I was a girl working in my gran's garden. He was always there with me. I would turn and he would be gone. Then he would reappear in another location, surprisingly close. It brought a smile to my face. Whenever I thought he had gone and left me for good he would surprise me. Robins come incredibly close. I decided he must be the spirit of my recently deceased grandfather. Coming to watch over me in the garden. Make sure I wasn't messing up his roses.

When I was gardening a month ago, just as the weather was turning colder a little robin appeared to keep me company. He sat high in the branches of a small tree and sang a lovely song. I had to stop and silently watch his performance in awe. The most beautiful notes, trilling effortlessly. I thought 'hello again. I haven't seen you since I was a child. It's lovely of you to show up again. I'm so glad I'm having the privilege of your company.' My heart sang watching him. I thought of my grandfather. How dear he was to me. How he is still with me. I wondered if I should give him a round of applause for such wonderful entertainment.

winter wonderland

2010-01-02T06:21:00.000-08:00

Blue moon lunar eclipse

2010-01-01T06:36:00.000-08:00

The first photo above is of the blue moon from Alaska. The second is of last nights lunar eclipse seen from sheffield. The third is over Liverpool's Liver Buildings. Amazing photographs of an amazing event. The moon doesn't actually go blue it is just a name given to a second full moon in a month. I altered the second photo in photoshop for fun. It is a rare occurrence hence the term 'once in a blue moon'. A blue moon lunar eclipse on New Years Eve is very rare indeed! The partial lunar eclipse was only visible in the Eastern Hemisphere so was not visible in North and South American. It could be seen in Europe, Africa and Asia. We missed it because I didn't know anything about it and we don't watch or listen to the news. I found out about it this morning when reading through my blog list. When I got up with my son at 7.30am the moon was shining proudly in the sky, though much lower as it was sinking towards the horizon as the day began. I was so excited to read we had had a blue moon lunar eclipse. Isn't it amazing the wonders that go on around us in nature all the time that we don't notice because we are so caught up in our day to day problems and worries. To just stop and look and and appreciate such an amazing rare site was blissful.

On average an extra full moon in a month occurs every two and a half years. A blue moon lunar eclipse occurs approximately every 15-20 years. The last time was in 1990; the next one won't come again until 2028. For many across the world, a lunar eclipse is met with superstition and ritual. Due to various customs and cultures, many worldwide will forego the celebration and stay close to home, celebrating in quiet solitude with close friends and family. Regarding a blue moon, lunar eclipse and New Year’s Eve ocurring at the same time, the web site Des Pardes says “Such a coincidence has not been witnessed on the planet in the present and previous centuries.”

Well we celebrated in quiet solitude. We went to bed early after a day of travelling. We travelled home from our Christmas break. The journey was incredibly smooth. My boy slept the whole plane journey which was glorious because I was able to finish my book. I didn't have to go through the battle of getting him to sit down and get his seat belt on that we had as we left on New Year's Eve. That was exhausting. Then he kicked his legs in the air and his apple juice I was holding spilt all over my jeans so it looked like I'd peed myself. Fortunately the air conditioning had dried it before we got off the plane. I'm sure I blasted my cold germs to every corner of the plane as well! We were the last ones to get off the plane yesterday as I was happy to let my boy sleep so I could get our things together and go to the toilet. And it was lovely to avoid the jostling crowds of people desperate to get on the next bit of their journey. Why the rush?!?! We stopped and watched planes taking off. Our reward was finding our cases sitting neatly next to each other, having been removed from the conveyor belt. We walked through a disaster area of spilt, red liquid. Blood?!? I wondered automatically, always one to jump to the worst conclusions. But no. The familiar waft of red wine and a family standing next to a bench with a pile of red, sodden books and clothes gave away the mystery. What a shame I thought. It always happens to someone.

I really wonder about how by creating calmness in my life I attract more good luck. It really seems that way. More likely I am just not as fazed by things going wrong and am much more aware of the perfection of being in the moment. Even the anger and sadness if it comes up (which is does, especially being mum to a 2 year old!) acknowledging it and experiencing it, knowing it is not me and is not ruling me enables it to go it's own natural course and I am at peace once more. I was amused to notice my family members stressing about how our journey would be with the weather and delays and cancellations. Worrying days before we even travelled. All needless. I smiled and thanked them for their concern. I wish I could set them free as I have been set free from this sort of worry. And I used to be too scared to travel and fly so I really know what it is like to ruled by fear and worry!

My Christmas break was very peaceful and joyous and magical. We had a white Christmas. Difficult relatives had mellowed to the point of complete character change from the last time I saw them. And this can be said of myself also I am sure :) I was the one who played with the children while others talked about serious adult concerns and worries. I was so glad to be given the gift of the children's world to escape into. Bouncing on the bed, singing songs, styling my nieces hair. Loving, loving, loving. I had wonderful food cooked for me. I got fantastic presents. I didn't drink. I enjoyed every moment. Usually going home is very difficult for me. Location triggering memories. Images from the past flashing in front of my eyes eclipsing everything else. A flood of emotions accompanying this. Stopping me from relaxing and enjoying myself. This time I was able to see those images without them overwhelming me. Able to see the person I used to be from the perspective of the person I am now. I have become peaceful. Accepting of myself and my story. Glad for it even. Not jealous of others anymore. I just felt so comfortable in myself and wherever I was. This was a new experience. I feel older, in a good way. I put these massive changes down to the EMDR therapy. What an amazing experience that has been.

And I write all this as a sick person! My son and I have not been able to get rid of the colds we both got before Christmas. I saw a friend today who has also been ill since the start of November. I was so glad to hear this because I was starting to think 'what the....?!' I asked him if he normally gets colds. No he replied. Me neither! So that was comforting. It has been a struggle this constant illness. But as with everything else I just have to accept it. Not look for reasons to explain it. I can't really know why it should be anyway.

I am quietly optimistic about 2010. I am looking forward to continued growth. Not exactly welcoming of continued challenges but I am accepting they will come. I am silly superstitious about the rare blue moon lunar eclipse being a sign to remind me that we are all precious, amazing rare beings with great potential.

I found this lovely little positive piece of writing.
http://www.manspurpose.com/2009/12/blue-moon-lunar-eclipse-2009/

May your year bring rare and wonderful gifts and may you have the vision to see them and allow them into your lives.

And hi to Mike. Thanks for commenting on my last post. I noticed your absence lately and wondered where you had gone!

First photo is copyright Dave Parkhurst and I found it on spaceweather.com. The second is from Wikipedia and the third photo is from www.clickliverpool.com.

Wait 24 hours

2009-12-23T02:23:00.000-08:00

I had a difficult moment with my mother on our pre-Christmas Christmas dinner on Sun since we will be away from them at Christmas, staying with my in-laws. She was in a bad mood to begin with and did her usual telling off my dad for nothing in particular. At dinner she was talking about how when she performed in panto the audience were always much livelier after the first half, because they had a drink in the interval; they had loosened up. I said "maybe people should learn how to enjoy themselves without a drink". She replied angrily, "they're hardly drunk after one drink for godness sake" I said " well they have had the affects of it if it makes them more cheery" she replied, "oh shut up....(and my name)". I was insulted. I was hurt. Anger started to well up inside. I did the thing I learned to do my whole life; I shut up. I said nothing through the rest of dinner. I was quiet. I didn't pretend to be cheery, I didn't express my anger. I didn't tell her how I felt. I stayed quiet because I knew if I had said anything I wouldn't have had a respectful response and I wouldn't have been able to contain my anger. I didn't want a scene in front of my son.

I went for a walk with my husband and son. We went on a "holly hunt". I know where there is a big holly tree full of red berries. Before we left the house, my husband, feeling uncomfortable with my awkward silence, started to be very pleasant and complimentary to my mother. This fueled my fire. He thinks I'm the problem I thought. He's comforting her instead of me. I'm the problem. I'm worthless.

Remember that I have been with my husband for 17 years. 17 years of behaviours that I accepted and lived with, not knowing how to be any other way. 17 years of hurts that weren't expressed. 17 years of being a victim. Of allowing myself to be vicitmised. Of knowing no other way. I know different now. I have been consistently making changes. It is exhausting. It is a spiral to climb. When I slip back down it is disheartening.

So now I can observe my spiralling downward thoughts. I can make an effort to think in a different way. To see another story. But I feel the emotions just the same. Outside I told my husband how angry I was with her. He doesn't like me being angry. We had a row. We still haven't learned well enough how to speak or behave in a way that doesn't fuel the other's emotions. Well, I am probably more aware than him, but we both need to work on it. I felt better after expressing how I felt but was left feeling very sad about the way my mother had spoken and how I was too angry to be able to get what I needed from my husband; love and acknowledgment of my feelings, rather than criticism and distancing.

I spoke to my friend on the phone about it. I never used to open up to her about things I considered weaknesses or problems. I was the one always listening to her problems. We had a good chat. She was complimentary and supportive, and listened; just what I needed. I still listen to her problems but because I have changed myself our friendship is more balanced and more rewarding for me.

It took a couple of days for the anger to go down. Isn't that amazing! How long it lasts!! I went to a new pilates class. I'm sure that helped. I might have been angry for a month otherwise! I booked a day at a spa for me and my husband (today). We will have a massage and use the pool and jacuzzi. I am being proactive. I am forcing myself to see my part in creating friction around me. How my anger colours my view of the world and everyone in it. How it dies down, eventually. Today I have been thinking, what lesson have I learned about myself from my reaction to my mother? I don't like my anger. I don't like when I don't contain it and deal with it appropriately but sit with simmering hateful thoughts. I am going to work on catching my anger so that I am in control of it and it is not in control of me.

Because I can't change the fact that in life people will be rude to me, they will think of themselves first, they will not be able to control their own anger. This will be friends, family, strangers, work colleagues. Today in the spa I am going to look after and love myself with pampering and send loving thoughts to those who have been rude to me.

Wishing you lots of healing thoughts for Christmas. And when the going gets tough, accept, wait, look after yourself and know that it will all be better very soon.

Today I found this:
I love this advice

X

:)

PS: apologies for any photos coming up on my edrop icon. I put that on to generate more readers but I can't choose who avertises their blogs on mine. So I've been getting all sorts of weird and wonderful things popping up there. Logged on to see a scantily dressed lady today which I don't think is really appropriate for this blog at all!!! Will have to see if I can do something about that, or just sign out from that.

Loving it

2009-12-14T11:53:00.000-08:00

Have just realised how long it has been since I last posted. The reason is getting ready for the holiday season and my man working full time and evenings and at the weekend. Hey Paula, don't fret my comment about feeling uncomfortable. I experience something I express it and it's gone. It's the past. :) That's pretty much how I operate these days. There are so many things I would like to be writing about and sharing with you here but I just don't have the time just now. I would like to post some photos too but I download them on the computer upstairs and that isn't turned on very often. I have the laptop downstairs which I can come on for a few minutes here and there. I love to keep up with your blogs and try to do so whenever I can. I'm going away on the 24th for a week. Really looking forward to that. And I have my period and migraine right now so really glad I'm getting that out of the way. I'm making a photo album with pics of my wee man and poems and funny comments for my parents in law. I have to do some of that this evening.

My premenstrual anger seems to be really gone these days. It's amazing. I put it down to having the therapy last year and my weekly hour long meditation as well as shorter times meditating when I can. I was irritable the first day I came on but I turned it around into laughter on a lovely walk we took in the woods. I am aware of being possibly more emotional as far as feeling weepy when I am premenstrual. I don't feel so ashamed about that anymore. I cried on the phone to my friend. I cried watching Happy Feet today about a penguin who dances. It was when he was put in the zoo and started to go mad. It was pretty full on for a U rated film I thought and it made me SOB and wonder why we aren't all making a huge effort every day to save our planet from further destruction. It's the thought of it getting worse in my son's life that saddened me most. Already so many butterflies and birds have gone that were around when I was a child.

It's really good to just feel emotions and accept myself. Hormones and all. I am loving this winter season. For the first time since I was probably very young. I used to HATE winter and Christmas and everything. It's lovely to be content in my world. I hope you are in yours this Christmas.

Namaste x

Being a caterpillar

2009-12-02T02:38:00.000-08:00

I have been reading Nature and the Human Soul by Bill Plotkin. It is a "visionary ecopsychology of human development that reveals how fully and creatively we can mature when soul and wild nature guide us." Bill Plotkin is a depth psychologist and wilderness guide. He has created a "wheel of life" from 25 years of experience . It is a soulcentric and ecocentric (that is nature based) model that "fully honours the deeply imaginative potentials of the human psyche.

When I was in deep depression, in another world, 'psychotic' it was like I was another being. Western culture defines this experience as a disease, a pathology; something to be contained, controlled, and medicated. So that 'normal' life can be resumed. I see it now as though I travelled to another world in order to learn some important life lessons and I created some beautiful poetry along the way to share.

I have had severe depression twice in my life which I never took any medication for. I would never have learned the lessons I have learned if I had medicated myself. (As I write about myself I don't suggest that anyone should stop taking medication without assistance - this is my story and is descriptive rather than prescriptive). My creativity became heightened, I was having insights that I was able to write about, I was also in an awful lot of pain. More pain than most people could cope with. Our Western World view teaches us that pain is something we shouldn't experience. Our society has endless ways of trying to shield us from pain. I noticed this even more in the US, possibly because the law system is much more efficient there.

I took psychedelic drugs as a student and the similarity with this and depression is the severe alteration of consciousness. When you experience that the world isn't how you thought it was then what is real? This is why the people who experimented with these drugs in the 60's said 'you will never see the world in the same way again'. There are many other ways that a persons life can be turned upside down and consciousness altered; a traumatic event, severe illness, moving house even. Events that are "stressful". They are only stressful if we tell ourselves that there should be no pain involved. If we think that pain leads to nowhere, leads to failure, defeat, going down; a dead end. How low can you go?

The thing that has amazed me about this book is the acceptance of pain as a very important part of human life that is needed for emotional development. Plotkin bases some of his ideas on primitive cultures where initiation rights are performed and elders guide members of the tribe through difficult times of transition in life. In the Western World he points out that very few real elders exist. (After I had my son was felt I needed to be guided as a mother. I felt that my mother and my husband's mother were more emotionally immature than me! How could they possibly guide me?! I felt frantic. I know now this was with good reason! I had to see a therapist because I needed to be guided by someone more emotionally mature than myself so that I could evolve and develop in the way my mind, body and soul were all crying out for me to do.) Now I understand how a daughter can be emotionally more mature than her mother even though this is really ass-backwards human arrested development and not seen in any other species in nature.

We live in a culture dominated by adolescent habits and desires. My world created my depression and my depression enabled me to leave my culture. I was torn from the world in the most violent way. I am really grateful for the opportunity I have had to learn. I was literally dancing a life/death tightrope balance. We are alone. We are ultimately alone. If we don't go boldly forward into the unknown, if we don't challenge all we believe to be true we will never realise our full potential on this earth. What legacy do you want to leave behind you? In this one life you have, that no one can explain how or why you have it.

This book has served as a guide for me through all the pain and mystery and confusion. It has been a compliment to many spiritual texts I've read. I would recommend it to anyone who has an interest in the mysteries of nature and the universe. Especially if you (like me) are a bit sceptical about 'new-age hippy trippy stuff'. And anyone who has gone through a massive life changing experience and are struggling with living a new life or are being drawn towards wanting to help the culture we live in in some way but feel afraid and doubtful about the reasons for doing so.

The Wanderer in the Cocoon is how Plotkin describes the person moving away from the adolescent identity. I recognise myself in this stage when going through recovery for depression, confronting the abuse in my life and my own actions in shaping my life. He writes about moving on from substance abuse, exploring the sacred wound, learning to choose authenticity over social acceptance and making peace with the past.

An excerpt from the book:

"Exploration of the Sacred Wound

When the wanderer has eliminated all substance addictions and other notable dependencies (this includes food, TV, impersonal sex, gambling and work) and has made significant progress with the Oasis task of welcoming her Loyal Soldier, she finds one branch of memory that is particularly and uniquely painful. This is an early psychological wound, a trauma so great she formed her primary survival strategies of childhood in reaction to it, so hurtful that much of her personal style and sensitivities have their roots there.

If she grew up in the worst sort of egocentric setting (in which family dysfunction is common), she might have been emotionally abused or neglected. Perhaps an alcoholic father blamed her for his own misery or acted as if she were his girlfriend, or an insecure and jealous mother saw her as a threat to her marriage. Maybe an older sister tormented her, or a strict and demanding parent told her she would never measure up.

She need not come from a dysfunctional family, however, to have wounds. Her core wound may stem from birth trauma or a birth defect, or the death of her mother when he was three, or a pattern of innocent but shattering betrayals at the hands of her older brother. Maybe it was her father's absence due to illness, or her guilt at surviving the car wreck that claimed her younger sister, or her own childhood bout with a potentially deadly fever.

Although personal histories often include injurious events such as these, the core wound rarely stems from a single traumatic incident. More often it consists of a pattern of hurtful events or a disturbing dynamic in one or more important relationships.

Even in the healthiest of families, each person suffers from a core wound. From the perspective of the Cocoon, this is not an accident, nor is it unfortunate. Some say that the soul orchestrates the wounding, to catalyze a special type of personal development not possible until the Cocoon, one that requires a trauma for its genesis.

by experientially exploring your core wound, you can render it sacred. Your wound holds a key to your destiny. By surrendering to the grief and frightful memories at the heart of the wound, no longer distancing yourself from what you uncover there, your psyche is torn open so that new questions can be asked about who you are at your roots. These fomenting questions facilitate death of your old story and the birth of a larger story, a soul story, one revealed by the wounding itself. The goal in sacred-wound work is not to patch up your small story, or to heal the adolescent ego, but to disidentify from both. The wound becomes sacred when you are ready to release your old story and become the vehicle through which your soul story can be lived into the world. "

"Rumi says. "Wherever there is a ruin, there is hope for treasure - why do you not seek the treasure of God in the wasted heart?"

"In the contemporary West, conscious investigation of the sacred wound, when attempted at all, most commonly takes place in those rare psychotherapies that journey deep into the psyche to encounter the demons and monsters of our greatest fears. These wounds can also be approached through exceptional forms of bodywork or through ceremonies that expose our grief and allow its full experience. In a soul-centered setting, the elders, who know we all carry sacred wounds, offer rituals and nature-based practices that help us uncover and assimilate the lessons and opportunities, the treasures, hidden in our wounds. In whatever way we go about it, a thorough acquaintance with our sacred wounds loosens our attachment to our former identity and becomes a vital component of the metamorphosis that occurs within the Cocoon."

And I want to say how much pride for and faith I have in Paula who is right in the pain and anguish of confronting her sacred wounds going through intense psychotherapy. She needs all the love and support she can get right now. PAULA.

Becoming authentic

2009-12-01T04:38:00.000-08:00

I remember one time I was visiting my therapist I was telling him about an incident with my mother that had ended with us both becoming annoyed with each other. I was feeling bad about it. You were angry he said. Without judgement. He was pointing out a fact that I was too afraid to see. I was angry with her. It was true. And she was angry with me. And at no point had either of us expressed this. We had reacted to each other and parted company stewing. This isn't a very productive way to be. It's the way that relationships go sour, family members stop speaking, friends avoid friends. It causes separation and hurt.

I had never in my life told my mother I was feeling angry. I had never in my life told my husband I was feeling angry. I had never in my life told a friend I was feeling angry. I acted out angrily plenty of times. I stewed with held in anger plenty of times. We live in an emotionally immature world. We do not learn about our emotions at school, at church or at home. We all have the whole lot going on but we deny, feel ashamed or don't even know what emotion it is we are feeling half the time.

So while in therapy I realised that I feel anger. And it's ok! I feel sadness. And it's ok! I feel irritation and it's ok! Through all my spiritual reading I have come to believe that embracing all of my human emotions is an important part of loving myself. I don't believe I need to meditate so that I will become a smiling, wooden statue imitation of Buddha. I need to meditate because it slows the thinking mind down and in that space, clarity and understanding and another perspective emerges. Without it the ego rules supreme and makes sure I am blaming everyone outside myself and shouting loudly "poor me"!

Now the problem is for all of us who have done a lot of work on ourselves whether with therapy or spirituality or both is that it becomes apparent that we are learning knew ways of being when the rest of the world is not. So then the challenge becomes letting the rest of the emotionally immature world 'just be' without taking on the task of trying to change the world which would be impossible. Because everyone is so out of touch with themselves we are all living a kind of madness where we are hearing things that aren't being said and reacting to things that aren't real. After a few weeks of feeling awful every time I visited my therapist I realised that I was hearing every single observation he made about me as a criticism. Once I realised this I was able to move forward because I could take on board his comments without feeling I was being attacked.

The trouble with becoming authentic and expressing our emotions correctly is we are doing it to people who have never learned to do this, who think it's really not ok to do it and who are probably going to take it completely personally when you do. It's a difficult position to be in. To realise that the key to wholeness and happiness is self-acceptance and love of ourselves even when angry or grumpy or whatever. To feel confident in being in the moment and allowing emotions to arise without self-censorship. My husband said something and it pissed me right off. I felt irritated. I told him I felt irritated. He didn't like it at all. He didn't like that I felt irritated. And he didn't like that the he had said something to cause the irritation. His ego went into full blown self-protection mode.

I needed to express my feelings even though in doing so was causing a whole load of tension between us. And this is all new. Me being honest about emotions in the moment. Not being afraid of having emotions. Not being afraid of the tension and dischord speaking about difficult emotions causes in my relationship because I know its the only way we can learn and move forward. I now almost look forward to it because I find it challenging it's a chance to learn about myself and learn about why I feel the way I do. But what if the other person involved doesn't feel the same? What if the other person would rather live in a world where we cover up emotions, pretend to be happy about everything and when the pretence isn't working have a few drinks to bring the happiness on chemically? This is just about every person I know. EVERYONE. 'Healthy' 'normal' everyday everybody.

I would rather someone would tell me if they felt irritated by something I had said. It would open up the possibility of discussion. But we are all so stuck in our self-protective egos that we immediately condemn. 'If you feel irritated there must be something wrong with you, because there is certainly nothing wrong with ME" the ego will announce. And even this won't be expressed. Ego is too clever for that. We will say things like "you're too sensitive" or "you can't take a joke". All blaming tactics that take away the focus on ourselves. Could we be the sort of person that says something that irritates another person?! Horror!

So how to be authentic in a world that isn't authentic?

the story behind the picture

2009-11-28T13:21:00.000-08:00

At the moment I'm really doing alright. I'm able to have an objective perspective when my husband and I have a disagreement (which has been a lot less lately), even when I am feeling intense emotions. So it means my reaction is a bit less intense, I am just about able to say how I really feel and we are both able to discuss the matter so that he will see the ways that his emotions are affecting me. It's all very mature. And hard work.

I'm still not back to full health after the gastric flu. Have a cough and am taking acidophilus supplements as my stomach still not back to normal. So I am tired a lot and am going to bed early. I have been avoiding people who might trigger me too much (such as that one mum who is very critical and can be nasty) because I am not full strength and I need to put everything into my son and my family.

I have started a new meditation class. It is zen Buddhism. We meditate for an hour, just sitting with eyes open. About 9 people in a small living room. I am aware of how far I have come that I can go and do this without extreme anxiety. And I have been joining in the discussion afterwards which can last about an hour and a half. This is very out of character for me. It makes me feel nervous to do it. But I have much stronger faith in my knowledge and intelligence and am less afraid of being the young, cute girl with the very big mind :) Interestingly, I have noticed that to others this might come across as self-assurance and have noticed people challenging that. Like they're uncomfortable with me having self-assurance. And I wonder if this is triggering in them their own lack of confidence. It seems no matter how you behave in life it will offend/irritate/confuse/worry/alarm other people and often this is nothing to do with you but everything to do with issues that haven't been investigated in the other person. So, I am also learning to TRY and stay detached from other people's reaction to me and the things I have to say. To not listen to the negative comments I have carried with me about myself for so long and try and just react to the situation I am in honestly and openly. I am very respectful of everyone else and am not afraid to be openly complimentary of other people in the group when I genuinely feel it. I am also questioning myself about any irritations I feel with anyone in the group. Would I be able to say if I was irritated with another person? No. This is a very difficult one for me. And I'm sure it is something we all have difficulty with. And I don't just mean anyone who has obvious experience of abuse or trauma. As a culture, we are all taught to be people pleasers. To put others needs before our own.

I have gone back to reading Nature and the Human Soul. My grant application to work as a horticultural therapist might be successful, I will hear soon. And I am going to really have to think about if I am able to do it and if I want to do it. It would mean less time with my son. But not quite full-time work. Anyway, the book is giving me a lot of inspiration and ideas. I will post some excerpts which I'm sure you will find interesting.

And don't those photos look serene? And behind the scenes the story is: my man was in a bit of a grumpy mood. I was reacting grumpily to him. I was also feeling premenstrual and so a bit quicker to temper and occassionally cramping badly. We had our dog with us who howls like a maniac. My son insisted he go paddling in the sea so we took his socks and wellies off and he boldly strode towards the waves; just as the hugest wave came crashing towards us and rushed up the beach. I grabbed my boy up and ran but still managed to be caught in the foaming white froth. I felt the freezing water seep into my boots and wet my feet. They are lined with sheep skin. So I had to walk home with my feet in soggy sheepskin. Minutes later the clouds rolled in and we were pelted violently with hailstones, our clothes soaked in seconds. I would love to say that we all howled with laughter and hugged and kissed but truthfully it put my man in an even more grumpier mood to be soaked to the skin and me in an even more grumpier mood with him. Though we kept it together and smiled and kissed. My boy was in the grumpiest mood of all and howled all the way home. The only one who wasn't grumpy at this point was the dog, and this is very unusual for him.

I loved every minute of it. The drama, the excitement, the unpredictability. Now that I think of it I'm not surprised my man wasn't too chuffed he likes things to be predictable. Possibly because he is a taurus.

It just feels great to be alive you know?

November light

2009-11-28T03:22:00.000-08:00

nature's eye candy

2009-11-16T07:07:00.000-08:00

It's hard to believe these pictures were taken a couple of months ago. Everything has gone grey and dark, cold and wet. And we have gastric flu. The wee man is over it now at least. Flu is really, really horrible. Battling cold, wet windy weather with flu is horrible. Things can only get better :D I'm so happy inside, in this moment.

"When you recognize that there is a voice in your head that pretends to be you and never stops speaking, you are awakening out of your unconscious identification with the stream of thinking. When you notice that voice, you realize that who you are is not the voice — the thinker — but the one who is aware of it." Eckhart Tolle

"Knowing yourself as the awareness behind the voice is freedom." Eckhart Tolle

"You cannot find yourself in the past or future. The only place where you can find yourself is in the Now." Eckhart Tolle

watching emotional storms

2009-11-14T08:04:00.000-08:00

It amazes me how mentally sick I get when I get physically sick. I have this virus running through me. It's been hanging around for quite some time now. Feeling sensitive, emotional, exhausted, depressed, achy. But no obvious cold of flu symptoms until now. Automatically I think I'm becoming mentally ill. I frighten myself by thinking maybe I was deluding myself about how well I've been doing. As though I just imagined all the good feelings. All the joy and peacefulness. Lately, I have had not much patience for anyone. Feeling irritated with other people rather than just letting them be who they are. Feeling incredibly sensitive. Upset because one of the mums said my boy had a mullet haircut. It took me three days to cut. He was going about with a lopsided bob until I was able to even it all up when he was in the bath. I said to her 'yeah! What's wrong with a mullet?' and that confounded her. My boy then tried to jump on her baby which she stupidly put on the bouncy castle. He was actually aiming for her hands. I took him off and pointed out that wasn't allowed but I was thinking 'there is justice'. Anyway, I was still all hurt by her criticism and was cursing her well into the afternoon. At least I can blame it on the virus. If I was feeling fine I might have seen the funny side more. But to be honest I have always reacted badly when someone has made a negative comment about my son. And I NEVER make negative comments about other people's kids. What's so hard about learning it's so much nicer to give and receive compliments?!

Today I have been sneezing quite a lot and have a cough and am really aching all over. Ugh. But I'm also quite relieved. I would rather be physically ill with anything rather than mentally ill.

My man has taken the wee man to a kids birthday party. Thank God. I know my little guy won't be 2 forever. There might actually be a time in my life in the future when I get to lie down and indulge myself when I am ill. Rather than having him demanding I do everything for him including playing games I have absolutely no energy for. When I say 'no sweetheart' to anything he asks and asks and asks and asks again, over and over....or he throws himself on the floor to scream about it. Am mostly having no reaction to his tantrums now. Even with this sickness which is amazing. I even held onto him and smiled at people when he screamed for a 10 min bus journey (packed bus) in the week. Trying not to imagine I was getting a load of angry thoughts directed at me from everyone on the bus. I actually thought it was quite interesting. How many of us would actually feel so much better if we could just bawl our eyes out in front of anyone whenever we felt like it. I mean, why's that so bad?!

The thoughts I had were:
They think you're a bad mother
They think he's a bad boy
They feel sorry for me
They probably think I should tell him off

Even though I had thoughts like these, and many more (isn't it amazing the thoughts that run in our heads constantly narrating a story that could win awards for inventiveness?) I didn't feel stressed by the situation. I felt mostly calm and ok with it. It's really interesting the reaction you get from other people when you have a child. People have no qualms about adding their own commentary, their own interpretation. I had a woman on a bus in France FURIOUS because my boy was giggling and playing as he sat on my knee. Incredible! In this instance compassion triumphed over feelings of irritation; three lovely women helped me from the bus. I had 2 shopping bags, a huge rucksack and a folded buggy. My boy was lying on the pavement going blue in the face, raging! They wondered if I needed help to get home. I thanked them and said no I would be fine. He vented for a little while longer. I sat in his buggy. He vented about that. Then I got down on my knees, held out my arms and he came into them as the sobs subsided. The whole time I had the urge to scream at him. You see mums doing it all the time. My mum must have done it to me lots. "Stop crying, behave yourself, this is ridiculous". what would that teach him? That he can't contain his 2 year old ego and emotions and his mother can't contain hers. Every time I stay calm and deal with these really difficult situations I congratulate myself. It's good training. I think I could be a lion tamer or something if I need to start another new career.

What difficult situations have you managed to stay cool in this week?

Can pain be funny?

2009-11-12T03:54:00.000-08:00

A Time for Everything

2009-11-09T00:01:00.000-08:00

There will be times
You won't be able
To unravel emotions
And you will think
This is my lot

You will sit and read
The words of the wise
And you will think
You have got to be
Out of your mind

Your every thought
Will pierce your skull
And will keep piercing
With no resolution
And no way out

You will hide
With your pain
Wrapped around you
Believing you're lost for good
This time for sure

You will lie
In the darkness
Telling yourself
You have failed
And are going down

You will be still
And watch your demise
With racing heart
Stomach churning
Exhausted

You will war inside
I AM EXPERIENCING THIS
I WELCOME THIS
I AM LETTING IT GO
Without believing any of it

Your personal battlefield
A right bloody mess
No one will ever live it
As you do
It is yours alone

Your struggles
Are everyone's struggles
In a different outfit
Fear and anger and hurt
In the dressing up box

You will ask
In the longest, blackest night
Can I explain
What I don't understand?
Is anyone listening?

You will be surprised
When you hear
"You are peaceful
In this moment"
Aren't you?

And you will have to admit
That yes, you are
There is space
For peace
Even in a storm

You awaken
As you always do
To lightness
Which is a blessing
It will always come

You will know
This is never as before
There is no going back
There is something new to discover
Who will you be?

Questioning those annoying wee thoughts

2009-11-03T23:52:00.000-08:00

It's so funny that EVERY comment or criticism about someone else is something we probably need to pay attention to ourselves. When I told a friend about Byron Katie a year ago and she kept avoiding looking at it I kept thinking 'why is she avoiding it? It would be so good for her! She's missing so much'. And now that I am reading the book again I see there is so much I have missed in my usual haste to get to the end, to have 'been there done that'.

I never hassled my friend about 'The Work'. I told her about it, and how it had been beneficial to me and my husband. If she chooses to avoid something that's been good for me I'm happy with that. Because it's not my business it's hers. I used to be in everyone else's business. I used to be an 'overachiever'. I felt it was my responsibility to fix all the problems of the world. Can you imagine how exhausting that was? And when we're mentally and emotionally exhausted we are more likely to feel resentment and anger and frustration and all the emotions that deplete us even more.

I became an overachiever because I am the eldest child. And because when my parents weren't doing a very good job of being parents I stepped in and took the responsibility of their worries. That's where I learned it. And I never thought to question it. So I did it for a long, long time. Until I was exhausted and depressed and pissed off with everyone. The book The Dance of Anger by Harriet Goldhor Lerner really helped me see this role I was living. There are patterns in relationships that have similarities in every family. This book shows it clearly with graphs and everything.

As I'm becoming aware of the suffering I've been causing myself I am also becoming aware of the suffering everyone else is causing themselves. My overachieving, needing to fix things outside myself side meant I first reacted angrily and with a lot of sorrow about this. I want to turn the page over, get to the end of the chapter, the happy ending, for myself and everyone. But when I let go of needing to fix things outside myself and let it all just be then I notice I feel compassion. And when I feel compassion I'm more likely to be able to let other people have their emotions without it hurting me. Even anger from my mother!

Another useful exercise from Katie Byron's book is to question underlying beliefs. Because there is a good chance these are causing us suffering in the moment. My boy is sick with another cold virus. Here are underlying beliefs I've had pop up this morning. Thoughts that come into my head and I don't attach to. I observe them and think about how I would react to the thought and how I could react differently.

1. He shouldn't be ill so much.
2. He shouldn't lie on the floor screaming.
3. He shouldn't punch and shove me and his dad and tell us to 'go away!'
4. He shouldn't pour his lego all over the floor.
5. He should have soup because he's ill.
6. He should eat the vitamins.
7. He shouldn't watch telly all day.
8. He shouldn't spill food all over himself.
9. My mother-in-law would have a hairy fit is she could see how we live.
10. My mother-in-law hates me.

This works for thoughts that seem justified and 'right'. Like 'we should be good and kind'. How do you react when you think the thought 'we should be good and kind'. What happens when you're not good and kind or someone else isn't good and kind to you? Suffering, right? So is it true that people should be good and kind? No, because often they're not. That's reality.

So this morning. I let my boy scream at me and his dad and shove us and I told him it wasn't nice to do that but it was ok because he's ill and I held him and hugged him and spoke gently to him until he had calmed down. I let him lie on the floor screaming when this wasn't working. I didn't feel any reaction to him punching and shoving me and his dad except love. I gave him dark chocolate soya pudding and sat him in front of the TV. Oh, and it's the last of my favourite soya puddings that I have to get two buses to buy. That really is a sacrifice! He's sitting on the sofa completely covered in soya pudding. The sofa has splodges on too. I looked at him and laughed and he laughed. We're having a really lovely day. (I'll keep trying him on the soup but when he's ill he goes off everything. I'd rather have an ill baby with a full tummy than a hungry miserable one).

Oh and I'm going to write a letter to my mother-in-law thanking her for the gifts she sent after their holiday. I know she would really love that. And I've held on to anger towards her for far too long.

Excuse me, I have to go and wipe chocolate finger prints off the wall :)

Doing the work

2009-11-03T01:32:00.000-08:00

I'm really enjoying reading Byron Katie's book again. I first looked at it a year and a half ago when I first started therapy. It was recommended by my therapist. I'm really surprised how much I missed when I read it then. Even though it made a huge impact on me, I am noticing I am having a deeper understanding now. I think this proves that any new process of self enquiry is going to take a while to get used to. I can't expect that 37 years of thinking in a particular way will change over night without a lot of work. She repeats phrases, 'I am a lover of reality' and 'there's my business, there's your business and there's God's business'. What does it all mean? If you watch a few of her videos on her web site with her doing the work with people it can become clear really quickly. We cause so much pain and suffering for ourselves and we are probably stuck in a pattern of thinking. The work can move us beyond these stuck patterns. It can take quite some getting used to when we have been used to thinking that all our suffering is outside ourselves, caused by other people. Loving reality means being in the moment, with the world as it is. She uses an example of a mother being annoyed that her kids don't pick up their socks. For eight years she has been annoyed and shouting at her kids for not picking up their socks. That's a lot of wasted energy! A lot of needless anger. The mother is fighting with reality. Are the kids picking up the socks? No. That's the reality. Thinking they "should pick up the socks' is arguing with reality. Reality always wins. Because it's reality. The truth will set us free. Who wants the socks picked up? She does. It's her business, not her kid's. So who should pick up the socks? She should. It's not about morals or education or what you should do as a mother or what children should do it's about being real in the moment and accepting reality.

Katie often asks 'is it true?'. Whenever you have a thought that goes 'such and such should....' she asks 'is it true?'. My husband should express his emotions better and understand me. Is is true? (we read articles in magazines saying men should this and should that all the time) Is is true? Is he good at expressing his emotions? No. Is he understanding me? No. To think he should is just fighting with reality which always wins. What happens when we fight with reality? We get pissed off, hurt, crazy in the head, we want to kill, run, move to another planet.

So then we do what she calls the turn around. The thought we have about someone outside ourselves we then apply to ourselves and see if is is as true or truer. I should express my emotions better and understand myself. Is that thought as true or truer? I'm screaming at my husband because I want him to express his emotions. I should express my emotions better, is it true? Yes. If I could express my emotions better I wouldn't be screaming at him. This feels easier to cope with. Because the only person we can change is ourselves.

Another turn around is 'I should understand him'. I should try and understand that he is a man who has difficulty expressing his emotions and stop screaming at him. That makes sense.

When I first did 'the work' suddenly the 'crimes' that I thought my husband had been committing on a daily basis didn't matter anymore. I saw him just as he is. A person with qualities that I had a problem with. Everything I was annoyed about him was stuff I needed to look at and work on myself. I apologised to him. I felt like I was seeing him for the first time in 18 years. I fell in love all over again. Love heals. The love is always there underneath the anger and fear and 'uninvestigated thinking' as Katie calls it. She says that our families are our best teachers. I haven't been doing the work enough so have slipped back into my blaming, victimised way of thinking a lot. This has been the only problem with my relationship.

It changed my life around to embrace all the qualities of all my family members. All the 'flaws' that made me want to distance myself from them actually now makes me fascinated with them. I still feel hurt, angry, anxious around them but I know this is a sign I need to investigate what lesson I need to learn about myself. Because the truth hurts the most.

Most people feel a relief when they do the work. They often laugh and sometimes cry. It's such a huge shift in thinking about people and the world that it can take quite some time to sink in. Katie Byron also says 'people will give up everything but their suffering'. When I first looked at her web site I told a friend about it. I knew it would be really helpful to her. But she was too afraid to look at it. She still hasn't. She said she was afraid of what she might see. I think we're afraid of looking in the mirror and really seeing ourselves. Therapy forces us to do that. I'm sure it's why so many people drop out of therapy. I tried to explain it to my mum and she thought it was crazy that anyone would spend so much time analysing everything. She just couldn't see the point. It's like telling her you need to learn Japanese to fully enjoy the taste of cheesecake. She's walking her path and I'm walking mine. And that's how it should be.

Keep asking!

2009-10-26T11:38:00.000-07:00

A glorious day working on my allotment on Sunday evened me all out again, put all things in place, lessened the pain, brought back the peace. I just love it there. For anyone who gets a bit miserable when dark nights and colder weather comes, gardening reminds us that there are many things to look forward to, many things to plan for. Spring will be here before we know it. Isn't it crazy?! I planted some strawberries and look forward to them blossoming and producing tasty fruits. Though I should really pick them all off next year to ensure a better crop the next. That will be hard! In nature some things grow very fast and produce so much for us very quickly. While others take their time, hanging around for a bit, making us wait. Blackberries produce fruit on stems that are 2 years old. After fruiting the stems that have fruited should be cut out. I have a big messy mass of them on my allotment. I am tempted to cut them all back to the ground and train them onto wires when they grow again. It will mean waiting 2 years for blackberries! Isn't that so different from having everything ready waiting for us all the time an ABUNDANCE of food on display in the supermarkets. I love the fact that I will have to wait for my strawberries and blackberries. How much sweeter will they taste!

A strange thing happened. A couple of months ago when we had NO money, my man went to the tip and found a bike for the wee man with stabilisers. People chuck so much stuff away that works. You're not really supposed to get things from the tip but he gave the guys there a few quid. It is a great little bike but is really rusty. I have been thinking for some time 'this bike is fine but it would be so much better if he had time to spray paint it'. When I came back from the allotment they were just coming home from the town. 'Look at this' my man said. He was in town looking at a child's bike that had been discarded by some bins, thinking he might take some parts to use to improve D's when a woman came up to him and said 'here you can have this bike if you want'. And guess what, it's a kid's bike, perfect condition. It had obviously been quite rusty and someone has done a really good spray paint job on it. It's basically the bike I was thinking I wished he had. Ask and thou shalt receive! You just might have to wait some time for it. :)

PS: the wee man seems to be over the dragon fear. He slept soundly last night, hurrah. And he told me quite firmly he didn't want to read anymore books about dragons.

feelings following thoughts

2009-10-25T02:54:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling very sad at the moment. The situation in my last post making a lot of stuff resurface. Writing out the full details of my story makes me cry. And I think 'why?!'. I mean, everything is for a reason and we have lessons to learn. But is seems incredible to me. The reality of my history, my story and the unreality of the world I wished I was living in. Byron Katie says no event in life no matter how awful hurts us, it's our THOUGHTS about the event that cause our suffering long after the incident has passed. Trying to pretend it didn't happen. Telling myself huge chunks of my life experience didn't happen. But living out the consequences of them every day. We suffer because we say such and such SHOULDN'T have happened. We're fighting with reality and that will always cause suffering. It happened! Byron Katie does some really amazing work with people who are traumatised by sexual abuse, rape, war. I will post some excerpts from her book. She can turn the pain around to humour and love amazingly quickly. With people who have been suffering for nearly whole lifetimes in some cases.

So I'm being with myself and my history and am trying to be aware of the stories I'm telling myself that cause me further suffering. I'm being with my sadness. I'm being with the pity for myself. And when I feel it for myself I feel it for everyone. That is why it can seem overwhelming. I can't bare the thought of anyone else being in pain. I have been feeling like I needed a good cry and nothing was happening. So I'm quite grateful for this.

I also totally messed up with the wee man. He wailed and wailed because he wanted to look at a book we have about dragons. He is becoming very curious about big scary animals, real or fantasy. So I showed it to him. Not realising there was quite a scary picture in there. It was a bit of an effort getting him to bed and he woke up in the night which he never does unless he is ill. We were up for 4 hours. He talked a lot about the dragons and how he was feeling. I am hoping this will help HIM process his fears. I have been reassuring him that they only live in books and stories and aren't real. But he is at an age where real and unreal are very much one and the same. I am hoping he will forget about the image. Is this the right thing to have done?!?

Lets talk about....(let's not bother)

2009-10-23T21:48:00.000-07:00

After about a year of seeing my therapist, when I started the EMDR therapy, the idea was to pick a memory I was very stuck with emotionally. A memory that gave me a very strong emotional reaction. All of our reactions to present situations are determined by the experiences we have in life. Often, we can react very severely and out of context to the actual reality we find ourselves in, in that moment. This happens to everyone. For someone with severe trauma experience it can be debilitating. In the event of trauma our brain stores the feelings that go along with the image of the event and these can be dragged up again and again and again. Personally, I found, with time alone this was improving for me. That was until I came down with the severe depression a year and a half ago. It was as though I was being dragged right back to the worst of not being able to function or cope. Having to relearn EVERYTHING all over again so as not to become stuck in a place of paralysis and fear. And I had a one year old to look after. And a husband out of touch with his own issues and pain. When I realised how much work I had to do I looked at my therapist like there was just no way in hell. It's amazing the strength of the human spirit and I see that now when I realise how far I've come.

I always said depression is a blessing and a curse. My therapist wanted to know why. I said because you are forced to change yourself. As long as you don't kill yourself he said. Now I see that I wasn't forcing any change, the change was happening to me and I was just going along with it. I could observe myself being a person who would be overwhelmed with the thought of killing myself and I could observe how bloody horrifying that was. I am a right one for getting on the internet and googling anything and everything that is confusing/annoying/troubling me. I remember I came up with medical diagnoses of depression and mental illness. How cold, judgemental and hopeless that information was. It made me feel like killing myself. Then I discovered religious and spiritual interpretations. The Buddhist's belief of rebirth being something that comes out of great pain and suffering and can lead to spiritual advancement. The experience of the Dark Night of the Soul. Poets, visionaries, mystics all having similar experiences. It sounded so much more hopeful, romantic, empowering and something even to be proud of!!

Isn't it interesting. In the midst of depression, which is a real illness with symptoms, those symptoms were determined by the thoughts in my head. When I thought 'other people have been through this, great people, admirable people and it has improved their lives' I was able to cope with it better. When I thought 'I'm a medical statistic, I need to be medicated, I'm a threat to myself and a total nightmare to be around' I felt like killing myself. Ironic isn't it.

Our bloody minds. I so want to give me mind a right telling off for all the bother it's caused me over the years. All the suffering I've caused myself. How annoying!!!!!

I am still stuck in one area. It was the area I was going to tackle with my therapist when I had to stop therapy because I couldn't afford it; sexuality. And I think it's funny that yesterday I was calmly writing 'I don't feel much fear anymore'. Which is true. I've lost a lot of fear about a lot of things. But when it comes to sex. One minute I can joke about it and ask for it and a little while later while the actual prospect of it is imminent I feel FEAR. And it wasn't a fear I wanted to explore and go into and move through. It was a fear I wanted to avoid by getting into warm, cosy pyjamas and going to sleep. So my husband was left feeling hurt and rejected. We are stuck in this pattern. It really doesn't help that our time is limited because of the wee man and we are both working so much and tired. It's the one thing that could bring us more intimacy, but I shut off. He isn't great at understanding or being that sympathetic (because he always feel hurt and rejected) and we're not good at talking about it (because it brings back up the uncomfortable feelings).

I also wasn't very good at talking about it with my therapist. Usually anything sexual related would make me go numb or disassociate. But I was going to do EMDR on it. That was my next issue to work on. And the great thing about EMDR is I don't even have to tell my therapist everything that is coming up. In that way it's relatively pain free. The pain comes when the emotions are unleashed and can also come as physical pain. I got a cough two of the times that we did it (weird). My therapist said a woman who did EMDR on a memory of a car crash actually broke out in bruises on her body.

So I'm saving my money to pay for EMDR. In the hopes that I will go back to having half-decent sex again. I have to say that my sex life was better when the memory of abuse was buried. Now that it is right up there in my consciousness the emotions are right there and are right in the way of something that has been and can be very pleasurable for me. Since having my boy and the depression and therapy work it has become a struggle. I know that my mind is causing the problem. I know that my body, without my mind, is capable of enjoying sex very much. I know this because Byron Katie has written in her book and I had the best sex ever a couple of times during the depression when my mind was, well only God knows where. It WAS a spiritual experience that blew the top of my head off.

Until I can get the EMDR done I would REALLY love to hear your experiences and breakthroughs. And if you would prefer I email you please let me know and I would be really happy to do that! I have read a TON of books on spirituality in the past year. My spirit is doing really well. The Deepak Chopra book I am reading about Love has now gone into the hairy territory of sexuality and funnily enough I put the book down and started reading something else. Right at the bit where I am supposed to notice any uncomfortable emotional reactions to a list of statements about sex. He seems to think being aware of the emotion and letting it go will be enough to start the passion flowing. I tried this after the disappointing and deflating experience with my husband last night. Well, maybe it has worked a bit because I have been able to write this and I can see a funny side. Oh joy. I love when I see a funny side.

What is my story?

2009-10-23T01:20:00.000-07:00

While changing my 'about me' bit I wrote a tad too much so have copied it here.
When my son was one year old I went into therapy suffering severe depression.
It enabled me to face painful experiences that had been partially dealt with (abuse, bullying) or not at all (rape, an affair).
It was an amazing and horrific experience.
I was bombarded with insights about myself, my family and the world.
I was able to investigate my thoughts and started to put my mind and body together.
I also discovered my soul and a very strong inner voice and knowledge that protected and guided me when I felt completely alone.
I wrote lots of poems compulsively not having written one since I was 18.
I took a regular yoga class which was the day after my therapy session.
It was like horror one day and heaven the next.
I also had a few sessions of EMDR therapy which has helped reduce my emotional attachment to the memories therefore helping me let them go.
I stopped therapy because I lost my work due to the recession; I couldn't afford it anymore.
I had been doing the job for ten years.
I went through tons of stress because of this and found myself new work.
I also started this blog.
I am doing really well without the therapy.
I plan to go back and do more EMDR therapy because it is so good for clearing out the cobwebs.
I feel no anger or hatred about events in my past.
I have been able to forgive myself and forgive others.
I live in the moment.
I believe enlightenment is being awake to reality, accepting it and not fighting it.
I love the work of Byron Katie who has created a practical worksheet to help us to be with reality without suffering.
I don't use my real name here because I am not able to tell my whole story in order to protect some people in my family and protect the love that is there.
It has not interfered with my healing, it has enhanced it and I don't feel it is a sacrifice.
I am just happy to have found forgiveness and love.
My son has been one of my greatest teachers.
I am so thankful for the gift of him.
He tests me to the limit :)
I don't drink anymore.
I was agoraphobic for one year, and had severe panic attacks 10 years ago.
I feel very little fear now.
I went through a horrible and difficult withdrawal from Seroxat 8 years ago.
I have been with my husband for 18 years.
We have had a lot of resentment and anger towards each other, especially recently.
We are discovering our love again and are growing together.
I look at the sky and see there is beauty in grey skies as well as blue.

Observing yellow snot

2009-10-22T07:52:00.000-07:00

Not feeling well at the moment. Have been shivery, very tired and blowing out a load of yellow snot. Must be the leftovers of the virus giving it one last shot to bring me down. And my body's not going down without a fight :) It's a very busy body right now. I'm very impressed.

So I'm just being a body with a very hot face, fighting a virus that is making yellow snots. It's quite fascinating. Quite an awful lot going on!! I've been irritable, but holding it together. Which I'm glad of.

Have been watching some people talking on Never Not Here. I particularly like Jackie O'Keeffe and her lovely Irish accent. And Mooji is lovely too. He's based in Brixton.

My boy was invited to a party today and we were both looking forward to it. But he fell asleep at the time it started. He's sleeping now. Being ill and being a mum...it takes up so much that I don't have time to pay attention to my ego thoughts too much. I'm just getting things done. Being snotty and irritable. Here we are in the here and now and this is all there is. It's quiet or noisy or peaceful or irritable or clear or full of yellow snot. Isn't it fun!

wondering where to go

2009-10-14T00:06:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about this blog and wondering where I want to go with it. I want to become a bit more organised with my writing. I am thinking I might start a whole new blog and delete this one. Even though I don't use my name I still feel uncomfortable with personal things that I write on here that are viewable by anyone and everyone. I would rather be writing about something that I felt like shouting from the rooftops about. That doesn't mean creating a false facade or going back to the way I was before with parts of myself shut off. Just writing something that might be interesting, fun, useful that isn't so much about me.
I am doing really well at living in the present and the problem I have about writing about my life events right now is when the past is past it's past and I don't like that it's all stored here. I feel like I'm keeping versions of myself that don't exist anymore and I feel like deleting previous posts to let it go. Maybe I should just do that.

I am so amazed at all of you for wanting to read my blog and for returning here and commenting. I think I am so lucky to have met so many wonderful and interesting and admirable people throught this. Since I'm so fearful and protective of myself and am always expecting judgement, criticism and rejection it has been really amazing to experience so much LOVE. So if I do start this new blog I sincerely hope you all will want to come with me. We just need love don't we really? And we need to learn how to let love in and open up to love and ask for love. I ask that you love me and if you are irritated by something I write or uncomfortable or angry that you ask yourself what that thought says about you. I am getting more used to doing this and it's such a great way to know myself. I am getting so much better at accepting the WHOLE in myself and in everyone else. Accepting that we are human. And we really are beautiful. I have succeeded with a whole lot of forgiveness and I feel such a release because of that. My spirit has definitely lifted because of that. I feel that I deserve good people in my life. I deserve to be treated well. As do you all. I really love my little self.

I have read a lot of books in the past year; psychology books, spiritual books. I am reading Deepak Chopra's path to love and it has so many wonderful lessons in there. I can read about love and I can meditate and ask to open my heart to love but there is nothing like feeling strong, pulsating love right in the centre of me. A warm, nurturing fire that keeps me going. And I feel that when I come on here and write and think of you all. Thank you for that. I hope you feel it too.

Monday moan

2009-10-12T01:19:00.001-07:00

I want to have a whinge this morning. It's not raining so I'm delighted about that. If it was pouring I would probably have my head in the oven (that's a joke - probably a bit of a reckless joke for someone prone to depression to make, but hey ho). You can imagine how difficult therapy is when my sense of humour comes back. My boy is playing happily with his new trucks that my man bought for him at the weekend. I am so happy about that. They're vintage trucks with various trailer attachments. Cost £4 for a wee selection of them. He's got a cardboard garage we made for him that he loves loads more than the Fisher Price plastic one we found in the street. (This is starting to sound like a Dolly Parton song).

So I'm happy and grateful for many things BUT I want to whinge about the cost of stuff. I would love to buy a few quality items for my boy. A few jumpers, a new waterproof jacket, some shoes. I can't afford to. My man is NOT on minimum wage. He is working full time. I am working part-time, also not for minimum wage, but not far from it. Good quality winter shoes for a 2 year old cost average £40!!!! A basic winter coat is £20!!! Last year I bought a padded winter jacket for myself in Primark for £8. Where is the logic?! My boy is wearing a pair of wellies that he's had for ages that have a huge gaffer tape cross covering a small hole in them. His jacket zip is held on with another piece of gaffer tape. I just think it was a cheap quality zip; it isn't a cheap quality jacket. It's an M&S one. I discovered the charity shop Shelter sells NEW M&S sample clothes for a fraction of the store cost. It's the main place I've shopped in the past 2 years.

We used to have a great second hand kids clothes shop in the town. I got lots of stuff for the wee man when he was a baby. Good quality Next, Gap, Osh Kosh stuff for a few quid at a time. It makes me happy for him to have stylish, good quality clothes that I've got for a bargain. Now the shop has turned into a classy new kids stuff shop. They always have colour themed window displays. I look at the items and they are so out of my reach that I don't even wish I could own any of it. I'm more likely to look at a fancy quilt and think how I would love to make one myself.

I don't think my boy is deprived. He's not going to nursery in bare feet. Most items I would like are things I probably don't really need. But, if you work, you would think you would be able to afford basic items that are for sale in the high street. Be able to buy new season clothes without emptying the whole bank account. Kids grow out of things so quickly. Some days my boy gets through 2 pairs of jeans in a day. And that's before even seriously starting potty training and 'big boy' pants. I was delighted to find 2 pairs of jeans that were £1.30 each in a charity shop. One pair Primark, the other Next. I love that most of the money I spend on clothes goes to charity.

Who the hell can afford to pay shop prices?! What are they doing for a living?!

flesh and blood

2009-10-11T01:08:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted anything for October and it's the 11th already!! We're surfing from one cold flu virus thing to the next this month. I gardened yesterday for my lady with the sore back. It was loads easier because we've had so much rain it had softened the soil. But I wasn't enjoying being there and I was feeling a bit achy. She is very happy that I'm helping her and when I arrived she had prepared a list of things to do which is a good sign and she said so herself. She's feeling less overwhelmed. Really lovely to earn money doing something that is helpful and is making someone happy.

I picked her pumpkins and cleared away the old foliage, dug over the soil so now it's ready for her to plant her garlic. Then a horrendous headache came over me. It was time for me to finish anyway. I was glad I was able to finish all the jobs. It was so nice to come home and have my man cook some food for me. I went to bed and slept soundly for a couple of hours. My boy is watching quite a bit of TV because he's ill so much just now. I don't like that. But we're getting him out for short spells well wrapped up. I've tried to give him homeopathic stuff too. It's hard though because you have to let it dissolve in the mouth; it's a concept that is beyond him.

Today I'm tired and aching all over. I really want to be in my bed. My man is still trying to keep up his own artwork as well as doing the new full time job. I am gardening 2 days in the week and one day at the weekend. There is really very little time for rest. Though I meditate a lot which is the best way to rest I think. Looking after a 2 year old is so exhausting. It's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I really hope we get over this run of illness soon. We eat very healthily. I'm hoping my boy is building up some good immunity and we are too!

He is talking so much more now. And can count up to thirteen. After that it becomes 'unteen, unteen, unteen, unteen'. He was able to tell me his teeth hurt. My husband said he had the same sore teeth feeling because of the virus.

I'm reading Deepak Chopra's Path To Love which my husband ordered from the library for me. Wasn't that sweet! We had an argument where I shouted at him angrily "I'm on a spiritual path and there's nothing you can do about it!!'.
I'm really enjoying the book. It's sort of like 'more proof' whenever I read these Spiritual books. I think 'yes I know this, it's true, its an experience I have' and it makes me more resolute to keep working on accessing spirit and accepting my being. I feel sad when I see how lost and not in love with themselves so many people are. But I know that all I have to do is be loving. And be careful not to neglect myself in the process. Here is a quote:

" To be authentic, you have to be everything that you are, omitting nothing. Within everyone there is light and shadow, good and evil, love and hate. The play of these opposites is what constantly moves life forward; the river of life expresses itself in all its changes from one opposite to another. If you can truly embrace these opposites within yourself, you will be authentic, and as your self-acceptance expands until there is nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hide, your life will take on the generosity and warmth that marks every great lover.

Being desirable means being comfortable with your own ambiguity.

The ultimate ambiguity that each of us expresses is not that we can be both good and bad, loving and unloving, but that we are spirit and flesh at the same time. Nothing could be more ambiguous than this, or more alluring."

It doesn't mean accepting our dark side means we go 'I feel hatred I think I'll stab someone' and that is accepting ourselves and will make us loveable. It's just that to deny something in ourselves is not healthy. The more stuffed down parts of ourselves are the more they will fight to be known and will actually end up dominating. I see it with my mum. She's so very angry and so very much in denial of this. Since I have faced and admitted and accepted my anger I'm feeling much less anger. Things just don't bother me so much. It's a joy. I still HATE anger and my anger and struggle terribly with not liking myself when I feel angry but it's so much better. I'm more in control of it.

Strangely, even with my aching, virus riddled flesh I don't feel totally bloody miserable. I feel content and I feel grateful for many, many things in my life. Like having food and warmth and security and a family. And a life full with ambiguity.

Good Morning

2009-09-30T21:52:00.000-07:00

Who are you today?
It's lovely to meet you
For the first time
In all your beauty

You are born every day
A fresh, shiny package
To be discovered
In the illusion of routine

You never were, before this day
Nothing to hold you
Accountable for
Accept your own limitations

Let's pass this day
Getting to know each other
Enjoying our natures
Laughing at our silly selves

Mindfulness

2009-09-30T20:15:00.000-07:00

During my depression, when I was in the midst of therapy I had a dream. I dreamt that a wise woman came to me to tell me what kind of animal I was. Was I an eagle? A tiger? A wolf? No, I was a donkey. When I told my therapist he laughed. It always annoyed me when I made my therapist laugh. It made me think 'you should be paying me mister'. He asked me, 'why a donkey?'. I told him, like the wise woman told me, that I have been worked hard and have worked myself hard all my life. He did his silent nod.

'How do you feel in your body?' was something I heard every week when I went to my yoga class. I found the most gentle, petite, loveable Japanese yoga teacher. Imagine that question in a cute Japanese accent. Her voice went up a tone higher when she said 'feel'. She had to leave to go back to Japan and I miss her and her class a lot. But I have her voice in my head and she will always be in there for me. 'How do you feel in your body?' It had never occurred to me how I felt in my body. The concept of thinking about how I felt in my body was quite a novelty.

Right now my body aches. I've woken from a nightmare. A dream of greyness, a concentration camp, a drunk. I was a male soldier and another male soldier was pretending to have sex with me as punishment or initiation. He was sticking his knuckle into my back. I was trying to move, to release myself from the relentless, aching pain. I couldn't get away. I woke up. So I got away. I used to think dreams were outside myself. As though they came from the sky and flew into my head when asleep. I used to wonder why people showed up, or events from the past were being played in glorious technicolour. I understand my dream clearly. I can see the parts that are true, based on experience and I can see the parts that are symbolic, signifiers of something I probably need to pay attention to. It's all knitted together to form a whole knew package of potential knowledge; if I'm open to that.

I'm not afraid of my dreams anymore. I'm not even afraid of the worst of my past coming back to visit me in the night anymore. My dreams don't fly out of nowhere. They are me. I am every player in the dream. What does it all mean? I worked myself too hard yesterday. I went to help my new client with her allotment. She wanted me to dig up daffodil bulbs to move them somewhere else. And to dig up her potatoes. And to weed her leeks. Quite a few times I described the job as 'a nightmare'. Her soil has been over worked. It is hard and dry with no worms visible. We have had little rain lately and it was almost impossible to dig. I had to use all my force to get the spade in and when I lifted it a huge clod of earth like a rock would lift up. I nearly dislodged all her wooden edging getting the daff bulbs up. The potatoes were as bad. Many of them had been chomped on by beasties. Breaking my back to dig up rotten potatoes!! Weeding her leeks was awkward because of the way she has her beds laid out. I can only thank the Lord for the clouds that covered the sky (in spite of the sunny forecast and the beautiful hot sun when I arrived) because without that it would have definitely been a 'breaking rocks in the hot sun' sort of day. Her hose didn't work very well. She said she likes to water with the watering can. Do you know how much of a strain it is on you back to water with a watering can?! I did it yesterday and I won't be doing it again!!! Yesterday I was a DONKEY!

My client has sciatica. She was limping as she walked. She said she wakes up and feels ok but it gets worse as the day goes on. She seems to think it's a temporary thing. She had a hip replacement a few years ago. The doctor told her she wouldn't get the operation because she was too young but she pushed ahead for it. 'Afterwards it was great!' she said. She puts a lot of faith in medical procedures. It's how most people think when they are not thinking 'how do I feel in my body' every single day. Something goes wrong and it's a surprise and we think 'my body has let me down, my body needs fixed'. Sometimes it's the mind that needs fixed and the body will do ok. My lovely client's back trouble hasn't flown out of the sky from nowhere, she has caused it. I don't think she can see that.

The funny thing is, all these back breaking methods people are using in their gardens are actually no good for the soil either! There are more benefits to NOT digging the soil. There is helpful bacteria in there that is best left alone. Worms exist to turn the soil for us. This is why the best thing to do is add a shit load of shit. Manure. The real stuff. Well rotted is best. It can be mixed with straw to make it go further. There are usually loads of worms in there already. You should only have to dig your soil once to get out deep rooted weeds like couch grass and bindweed. Then spread a blanket of manure over the bare soil. Do it in autumn. Then leave it alone and go and put your feet up and have a cup of tea. It will be ready in spring.

I am going to let her know my methods of gardening which will improve her soil, her plants and her back. And as great as it was earning some cash yesterday I am NOT going to do any more jobs that are a risk to my physical health. If her soil had been dark and lush and crumbly as good soil should be I could have done her work for her quickly and easily. I wouldn't be in pain and could go and work on my own allotment today. I am going to get a guy in with big muscles to come and help me do any heavy work such as moving bags of manure.

I have been worked hard and have worked myself hard all my life. No more. (Hee haw).

It's getting better all the time (can't get no worse)

2009-09-28T14:23:00.001-07:00

Have things been calm and peaceful and serene over in my world? Mrs. meditatin herself into a perfect balanced blissed out cloud of cosmic chilled outness? As if! Athlete's feet cleared up then got bitten by fleas while sitting on grass in the country...another week of itching and inflamation. Then the dog chewed his paw to pieces. Vet gave us drugs. After one week the dog had a heart attack. I blamed the drugs. Vet disagreed but had no idea what was wrong with him. He didn't eat for 2 and a half days and threw up rank stinking bile all over the house. Meanwhile we had all caught flu. So I washed the floor, cushions, throw, walls (I got carried away. He didn't puke on the wall but it was stained with D's filthy mitts) when I wanted to lie in bed and be sick. I wanted to lie in bed and be sick all week but I had to get up at 5 am and spend the whole day seeing to my wee man. And my big man who may as well be a wee man, especially when he is ill. I was writing a funny poem about it all then lost the bit of paper.

All culminated in a row at the weekend (when the wee man was in bed. He's still mostly oblivious to our 'heated' discussions). Anyway, I can't be bothered going into the ins and out, just to say that a major breakthrough has been me realising what happened with us. It was to do with me not being heard, feeling unloved and him thinking of himself only. Him thinking me making my needs known was me trying to control him and generally being out of touch with himself. I DIDN'T blame myself or hate myself or becoming childlike and unable to cope or feel like cutting myself. I wrote an email to him going over what I thought had happened and expressing my feelings. Not blaming him or being nasty to him (during the argument I called him a selfish fucking pig). If I was able to stay calm and clear headed and express myself like this without reacting angrily to his anger and frustration I would spare myself a hell of a lot of wasted energy. Result is tonight he came home with chocolates AND a trashy magazine (he remembered the other day I said I never read them any more and would like one. But I didn't allow myself because I feel guilty buying them) AND a huge bag of compost which he also remembered I had said I needed the other day. So I feel loved and cared for and I'm a happy bunny. It's really very simple. That's all I need. And how many women are happy with a bag of compost?!

Have got a new job lined up. Another lady with back trouble who can't do her allotment. Will probably have to work on Saturday as already busy Tues + Wed with the other 2 jobs when D is at nursery. I can't do anymore so will have to turn away anyone else who asks. Which will be frustrating. I had the idea to start a company and employ people. Hark at me getting all entrepreneurial. I'm feeling very clever with myself that I've noticed a need and have filled it and have created work for myself during a recession.

Oh and my tomato plants that looked like they were gonners have produced about 3 bowls full of lush tomatoes.

Today my theme tune is 'Getting Better' by the Beatles. And if I can say that after the fortnight I've had that's got to be good.

poem for little Vicki

2009-09-24T01:09:00.000-07:00

STORM RAGE

As the storm rages a stillness pervades
detached from the process observed
just like a wild fire out of control
the balance of both is preserved

Circumstances like this 'tis best let unfold
full wrath of the storm let's embrace
for not to allow express purpose it poses
let's not the full cleanse to take place

There in the centre of all the disruption
a calmness pervades everywhere
like the One up above who sees the big picture
it not matters what's here nor there

Detachment from all the discomfort unfolding
as each one does journey their path
the central unfolding of lessons of life
is the essence of One at the hearth

Releasing the charge of the energy blockages
allows one to move on one's way
now in full blessing of perfect relation
with Self and the rising New Day

So let the storm rage and observe its significance
it's only a drama aft'r'all
the play it is ceasing with much more releasing
as we finally answer the call

No more let the storms that rage all around us
become the focus of life
forget all the chaos, allowing the beauty
to be present and holy and rife

©Elizabeth A Feisst 2007
All rights reserved

Elizabeth A Feissts's web site

Being two

2009-09-20T13:17:00.000-07:00

There are moments that fill my heart with joy. Moments that I have to thank God for and cherish. My boy has started singing songs with me. Instead of reading books when he goes to bed we have been singing songs and giving ourselves a round of applause afterwards. We sing "Twinkle little star", "How much is the doggy in the window?", "Wind the bobbin on" and "I had a little turtle". I didn't know he could sing so well. Oh and he sang the Bob the Builder theme tune while having his nappy changed.

He has started saying "thank you" without me asking him to. He usually calls me by my first name rather than "mummy" after the thank you. It makes it feel all the more genuine and sincere. It's a pleasure to say "you're welcome" to him.

I saw a mum in the play park who was ignoring her boy and was talking to a friend. He was whining. He was in the baby swing. He was whining for a long time for his mum to come and push him. She was ignoring him. How rude! D was in the one next to him. I asked him if he wanted a push. He ignored me. He wanted his mum. I thought about going over to her and asking if she had noticed her boy had been asking for a push for 5 minutes. Later, he was on his bike and I heard him asking to go on the swings again and she said "No! Not until you have gone on some other things first". And I thought what an odd thing to demand. Why not let the boy do what he wants? Because that would be indulging him, that would be spoiling him?

D wanted me to climb up the slide with him. I did. When I got near the top he held out his hands and helped pull me up. He's never done this before. It was so sweet. Then he sat on my knee and we went down together. Then he let his pull-a-long dog roll down the slide. He wanted me to get it and pass it up to him so he could do it again. I did. I passed it to him quite a few times. He was really enjoying it, laughing. He said "thank you mummy" every time.

I am very careful to be aware of what "bad behaviour" I have helped to create by being unattentive, or not understanding him. All the time I see children having their emotions denied. "Don't cry". "Shut up". "I'm sick of listening to you".
When he's angry I say "are you angry?" and he has started to express himself symbolically with the few words he knows. He will talk about dragons and tigers and make roaring noises. It helps me to understand him. When he starts to cry when someone leaves I ask, "are you sad?" and he nods that yes he is sad.

At 37 years of age I am still unsure of emotions that I am feeling because I had them silenced or denied. This is how mostly all children have been raised. When kids cry they're told "you're fine". I can see the change in my mum right away when D gets whiney because he's tired or something has annoyed of frustrated him. She makes it clear that she's not impressed, got no time for it, is not as keen on him, turns her head away. When he's happy and loving to her she beams at him. That's not unconditional love. It makes me so aware of how quickly I must have learned to stuff all negative emotions from a young age. I haven't discussed this with my mum. Though she must have seen how I don't react negatively to him when she would. She must wonder how I am able to stay cool and non-reactive. How unlike her I am.

There are times when I am tired and frustrated with a demanding 2 year old. But this is my job right now. This is the most important job I will ever do. I want my boy to feel he is important, heard, valued, enjoyed, respected, free. And often this means when I am feeling fed up and grumpy and tired I have to whole heartedly get into his world. It really is a lovely place to be. Because he is a precious gift. He is pure and innocent and blessed. And I worship him.

Holding on

2009-09-17T23:49:00.000-07:00

The Way It Is

There's a thread that you follow. It goes among
things that change. But it doesn't change.
People wonder about what you are pursuing.
You have to explain about the thread.
But it is hard for others to see.
While you hold it you can't get lost.
Tragedies happen; people get hurt
or die; and you suffer and get old.
Nothing you do can stop time's unfolding.
You don't ever let go of the thread.

--William Stafford

This is a lovely poem I found on Lucy's lovely blog. And it reminded me of one of my favourite songs:

suffering and being set free

2009-09-17T09:04:00.000-07:00

Jill Bolte Taylor's stroke of insight.

Mike posted this in a reply to my previous post and it's so amazing I wanted to put it right up here. It made me cry!

me, myself and I

2009-09-16T23:35:00.000-07:00

I have had really bad athlete's foot. Or feet to be precise. There's nothing like having a fungal infection to truly make you feel one with nature. And to be aware of having a body that is prone to weakness and damage. I need to look after it! I don't drink anymore. I had a small glass of wine in the summer. I probably won't again. I get so much more out of having a clear mind and meditating. It's not worth it. Seems silly to even think about it. Coming from an alcoholic family it sounds miraculous. But we are not our families or our history. We have the power to change. It's just a simple matter of thinking and being differently. You are your own master. You are your own teacher.

I have been thinking about people struggling with keeping up regular practices such as yoga or meditation. Those of us who have experienced severe trauma and the affects of that are LUCKY because we probably have no other option. We are so fucked up we HAVE to do something about it. We're already beyond the 'normal' experience. Whatever that may be. What I mean is nothing in our world is easy. For me, everything that was supposed to be a source of pleasure in life caused me nothing but stress and pain: holidays, sex, socialising, family gatherings etc. it hasn't been difficult for me to stay home and meditate in the evening. I have no doubt in saying, 'I have no desire to do that' when my friends moan about not being able to go out late to the pub anymore now that they have children. Aren't I LUCKY! The feeling I have always had of isolation and separateness (which is a delusion), that used to make me feel so sad has also been useful. I accept that I do not fit in. And with that acceptance I am able to fit in. Isn't that funny?

The aim of becoming aware of the spirit within me, of raising my consciousness to a higher level is to be in the world with people who haven't experienced this. To be in the world without arrogance or feeling special. Although we are special. And to know I am special is to love myself. I struggle with this. It's an interesting paradox isn't it. It all comes down to what we do with it. What we do with the knowledge, the awareness. I have to be out there in the world with love. That's all. It's really very, very simple. And very difficult to achieve.

If I write another paradox I will hit myself on the head with a large, heavy object.

Yoga and meditation and any spiritual practice is not something that we have to do like a chore like taking the rubbish out. I find it hard to understand why people have difficulty with it. Why they beat themselves up about it. If you don't want to do it, don't do it and be happy that you're not doing it! Yoga and meditation can open our consciousness to our spirit and our true reality if we are open to that. This is not easy, not fun, not going to make you feel instantly good about yourself, initially. Hopefully the joy will grow and will become a normal part of your life and this is totally possible. Do you know yourself? I saw myself when I had the depression. I lost myself and found myself and I didn't like what I saw. "demons are closer than I realised". I saw all my faults and failings CLEARLY. I made art about it. It was horrific. I was very lucky. I am very lucky that I survived that experience. I had a very good therapist. I'm so lucky to have found him. I'm so lucky I didn't kill myself.

Suffering. It's ok to suffer. I need to look after myself and I need to protect myself as much as possible of course I do. But to deny the possibility of suffering is to be deluded. To see it as a problem that needs to be eliminated is not helpful to us. Imagine the difference if we saw suffering as an experience that needs to be accepted and understood and with the help of a wiser, stronger person moved through. Right through the middle of the storm. At a time when you have lost your clothes and your feet are bleeding from walking on sharp stones. That is what therapy was like for me. It's an act of courage to go into therapy, not a sign of failure. You are incredibly brave, not weak. Although I was probably those things too (hah, will the paradoxes never end?!) And you are choosing to do this horrible, difficult thing in an egocentric society that ridicules the process of self-enquiry. Surrounded by friends and family who in denial of their own failings and lack of awareness about their own need to work on themselves will be projecting all their worst traits onto you. FUN!

It's a lonely journey. Really, while I was in therapy, to make my body move in the position of the cat in yoga, to feel the relief of child pose after challenging myself with the strenuous warrior pose was just blissful. I would go to therapy on Wednesday and go to yoga on Thursday night. It felt like s&m. Total pain and horror followed by total bliss. Completely bonkers and exhausting. I don't do the hatha yoga so much now that I am doing sahaja yoga which is purely meditation. I don't feel the need to follow some strict set of postures every night like I'm doing army training. I feel happy that the gardening is giving me a physical work out AND soothing my mind. If I do physical yoga I will do some of my favourite poses that make me feel good. Like cat. It's wonderful to be a cat. Have you tried? Look how elegant, sensuous, sleek and together cats are. What great teachers they are. And they know how to look after themselves. Lightening reaction of hissing and scratching when they don't like what you do. If you have trouble with your knees you might not want to do this pose as it involves being on all fours. I looked on line for a guide and found one that calls the full pose Cat - Cow Stretch. In my classes we just called it cat. But fun to be a cow as well!

Yoga is a friend that is there for me, a skill I have learned that is good for me. Seriously, I could just sit in child pose for as long as I need to, it's incredibly comforting. The sun salutation is wonderful because it really gives a feeling of bowing down to mother earth, but it is more of a challenge physically. Since I'm not practicing regularly I would probably feel frustrated that I can't get my head to my knees anymore. Or would push myself to do it and hobble and limp for the rest of the week. That's just the ego in action. Yoga is acceptance. Acceptance of yourself as you are right now because you're all perfect. Don't make life hard for yourself. Listen to yourself. What makes you feel good? How important is it that my head touches my knees?!

Life is hard, work is hard, spiritual work is hard. We've got more than enough opportunities for suffering. We're lucky! Why create more?

nurture nature

2009-09-16T13:33:00.000-07:00

Hi all. I hope you are well. Just wanted to let you know I've been busy with my gardening jobs and really enjoying it. I planted orange trees this week. Outdoors. Kind of crazy in the UK but my 'boss' said it's not his problem if they don't grow well. Isn't that such an arrogant male attitude. There's not enough respect there for these beautiful orange trees. Even the leaves when crushed exude the most amazing fragrance it takes your breath away. Another man helped us to carry the small trees. He picked the tree up by the trunk rather than by the pot. Like he'd grabbed it by the neck rather than cradling it in his arms. And we drove in a car with these poor trees hanging out the back, blowing about in the wind. A horrible plastic rabbit guard was wrapped round after they were planted. But it was too big. I wanted to cut it down so that it wouldn't damage the lower leaves but I was told just to squash it into the earth more (where the roots were). If these trees survive it will be unusual. If they actually manage to produce any fruit it will be a miracle. I wanted to bring them into the greenhouse and give them some lovely gentle warmth. Clean their leaves gently with cotton and clear water rather than have them attacked by salt laden rain.

I'm always thinking of you even though I don't have time to write so much anymore. Really so much to do with working on my spirit, raising my bonkers boy, nurturing my crazy man and working on not letting all my ego emotions rule me. I know you are all working on yourselves and are doing really well.

Harvest

2009-09-12T01:47:00.000-07:00

September is a time of abundance. When we are able to reap the rewards of months of hard work. Digging and preparing the soil in the cold and rain. Finding it hard to imagine a time when plants will grow in the bare earth.

Watching and tending through spring and summer when there may be drought or strong winds or unexpected floods. Being ready to jump into action when pests and diseases threaten to damage and destroy.

And as the weather starts to cool, night creeps closer, the mornings are damp and chilly we are surprised by hot sun in the middle of the day when we can pick some delicious crops to make into a feast.

Images from top:
1. ruby chard + perpetual spinach.
2. courgettes
3. leeks all from community garden
4. cucumbers from my garden
5. goat's cheese salad with tomatoes and cucumbers from my garden.

I have been so busy working on other people's gardens I haven't been able to keep on top of sowing my salad. Things have settled down for us now that my man has found full time work. He is a lot happier. I am going to do some sowing in my raised bed this weekend. And hope that my wee man D doesn't go digging it up looking for worms. Or the neighbourhood cats crap in the middle of it.

Working and healing

2009-09-09T12:11:00.000-07:00

I have had a wonderful day gardening today. Worked non stop for five hours for the lady who was nervous. She looked very sad when I arrived. She told me about herself. She had an accident which has left her with many physical problems. I told her about my depression and my meditation. She cried and was embarrassed, said sorry. I said not to be. I smiled at her. She told me she's the person people go to with their problems. I said 'me too'. I heard her. She feels isolated. I said, 'everyone is suffering'. I want to make the garden magical for her. To lift her spirits. She's kind and gentle. I weeded and tidied. I dead headed. I watered. I prepared the beds so she can sew her seeds. I was going to do it but then realised it is so much more important that she does. She came out and hugged me. She looked so much happier. This makes me feel joyful.

Yesterday I felt a lot of anger and pain about a conversation with my mum. I tried to figure out why I was so pissed off. I couldn't, the anger was overwhelming me. I was plotting revenge and wrath and God knows all what else. I has asked her to baby sit so I could go to my yoga class. She didn't want to, she said, 'I can't be bothered to be honest'. My man has started a new job. I can't believe it, it's amazing. Thank you so much for your prayers. I love you. I didn't think he would be back in time but he was. I went to my meditation class. I cried. I cry in meditation quite often. I wonder why no one else does? We did a lot of 'ohm' singing. It was wonderful. I was able to calm my heat. I had the cool breeze of spirit on my hands.

Later I was able to work out why I had been so angry with my mum. I was asking for help and I was spoken to as though I was irritating, a nuisance. This is painful. An awareness of how I've always been spoken too. Without gentleness. But I could totally allow her to 'not be bothered'. Fine. I often can't be bothered to do lots of things. I realised I didn't need to feel anger about that. I have been able to calm the heat so that I can do the only think you can do with someone who is harsh, be loving. To hold onto my anger would cause me so much more trouble. We need to find peace within to stop our warring.

I have been anxious lately. So many changes. Took half a sleeping pill last night and was woken up by the bloody dog. And then by my boy at 6am. Ugh. Am going to meditate now and go to bed early. I feel almost happy. And like a recent post on Just Be Real's blog I am wary of feeling this happiness. Am wary of things being in the right order. Without horror or helplessness and hopelessness. Wary of allowing happiness in case it be snatched away.

I'm wishing you all love and relief from your pain today.

Have faith

2009-09-06T12:34:00.000-07:00

I thought I had lost all my tomatoes. They have blight. A horrible fungus disease that potatoes also get. My neighbour told me a few weeks ago his tomatoes had got it on the allotment. He said he lost the whole lot. There was only so much green tomato chutney he can make. He had plans for jars of tomato sauce. I felt awful for him. But was glad my tomatoes were healthy.

Until I saw the first shriveled brown leaves and brown patches on the stems. I thought that was it. I didn't think we would be picking any ripe, juicy tomatoes. Just as they were swelling nicely they were starting to show brown staining and had to be pulled off and binned. I decided to cut back all the leaves showing blight and pick of any bad tomatoes. An awful lot of foliage was cut off. I was sure the plants wouldn't survive this. Cutting back heavily can be a shock to the plants, can weaken them, encouraging more pests and diseases. I've been watching them carefully.

The blight doesn't seem to have got any worse. The tomatoes haven't all rotted. In fact, I've only had to pick a few off so far. I'm hoping and praying that my little tomatoes are strong guys and are going to make it through. I wonder if my neighbour had given up on his sick looking plants too soon. Had saw the damage and caused a whole lot more himself by trashing the lot in sadness and despair. I'm so glad I didn't do this!

It seems to have taken an awful long time for them to start to blush red and ripen. Finally, they are! I'm willing them on to rosy red sweetness so my boy can pick them fresh from the plant. And we can have a few for our salad bowl.

Fear and action

2009-09-04T00:34:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt of myself as I was before, nearly ten years ago. It's a reminder that I'm a new person now. I have the ability to change. I have changed. This morning I have understanding and a lot of insights. I'm really happy about this. I'm really happy I am working on controlling my mind and body and am not fuzzying things more with drink or prescription drugs. To be fully alive and aware can be horrible sometimes. But I have been developing skills to turn this into positive movement forward. Sometimes it takes a bit of time between my emotional reaction and an understanding of the situation. My therapist said the aim is to make the gap smaller. Fear unsettles me. Makes my head cloudy. My body wants to become numb. My spirit wants to flee. It gets in the way of having a clear headed understanding. Having a good nights sleep means waking with a new perspective (and a comment from Fire Byrd that is helpful).

A friend has said she wants me to work on her garden. This morning I was thinking about that. When I think about it I feel excitement. I think of all the knowledge and skills I have that she doesn't have that make me qualified to charge for my time. I don't feel any hesitation about my ability to communicate ideas to her. I feel confident in suggesting new planting schemes. I am not debilitated by fear.

With the new client I don't know how much she knows about gardening. That is unsettling. She definitely knows more about her garden than me. I fear this will make me look incompetent. There will be plants I don't recognise. I was honest with her about my strengths and the fact I want to increase my knowledge of shrubs and flowers. I encouraged her to not be afraid to let me know exactly what she wants me to do. She said she can't lift anymore. There is a sadness in becoming older and not being able to do things you've enjoyed. I said, 'I will be your hands'. I asked her to email me her list of tasks so that I can do any research and prepare. She said she would try and do that and said 'I'm sure you will manage'. I have a very good book. But it weighs a ton. It will be a nightmare taking that on my bike. I'm going to start reading it every day and hope I memorise the whole bloody thing.

When I know her better there will less fear. This will take time. And it will help if I can not be so afraid I fluff my efforts at communication. I am going to try imagining her garden is my friend's garden and think about how I would react and speak to my friend about it.

Meeting new people frightens me. It brings back starting a new school, which I had to do twice. Everyone interested in me and then like a toy they're bored with, dropping me. 'We don't want to be your friend we have our friends already'. And then the bullying, which was worse. 'They didn't behave this way until you came to the school' a teacher said. I moved from another country. I moved from England to Scotland. I was rejected because of my accent and where I had come from as well as just being new and different. The conflict was sectarian. Political and religious bigotry children had learned from their parents, their community, their environment. Without fully understanding it. Hate crime it's called. I was judged, labeled and put in my place. It was a very big life lesson. I did one session of EMDR on the bullying. I'm sure it has helped. Has definitely lessened the intensity of my emotional reaction. The aim with EMDR is to get rid of it completely. Which you can do with as many sessions as you need to take. There is no knowing. Although there should be improvement immediately and there was with me.

I know everything happens right in the world, nothing is wrong. I know that the fact I can't afford to do any EMDR right now is good. I do need a break from it. It brought up so much grief for me it was difficult to function normally. Almost as bad as having the depression. It added to the strain on my relationship. I didn't have the support I needed. It was pushing me and my husband apart. I will go back to it later in life. When things are a bit more settled. When we're more secure financially. When D isn't needing so much care and attention. When my husband has matured enough to be able to be strong for me.

So I will carry on as I am. Feeling the fear and all that. It forces me to do all the things I need to do that are so very good for me; not drinking, meditating, writing. It's all good.

How low can you go?

2009-09-03T09:58:00.000-07:00

Is it just me or does anyone else feel particularly crazy around the full moon?! I feel unsettled. My head is hot. I'm anxious. I wake early. I feel a little bit unreal, a little bit disconnected from everything. Not quite completely out of touch with reality like I had in the worst of the depression but a bit like that. A bit confused about who I am and where my thoughts are coming from. Or something is being triggered in me and I'm just not good enough at recognising that. I have family visiting. Not having enough money. Having to go out in the world and look for work. Yeah, I'm finding that hard. It's too much excitement for me. I long for monotony.

I feel all shook up. Trying to start this new gardening work is really taking it out of me. I'm feeling the fear and doing it anyway. I met a new client yesterday. Her house is amazing. I flyered her street knowing that the gardens had vegetable plots at the back and are beautiful with views out to sea. If you can't live in your dream house you can always work in it! She seemed a bit nervous. Even sounded nervous on the phone. I'm such a chameleon I have a habit of becoming whoever I'm around. She was a bit posh. So I put on my 'speaking with more awareness of proper pronunciation' voice. I have the low self esteem that comes from generations of poor, working class folks who work for rich people. Trying to positive think myself out of that is VERY difficult. And then I start thinking, 'why don't I do garden design and charge £800 a day? instead of weeding paths and getting £10 an hour?'. Then I congratulate myself that I'm not working in a shop anymore getting £6 an hour. I have a regional accent. I sound like the sort of person who should be using the side entrance. Plenty of people reinvent themselves. I couldn't imagine doing that because I would feel I was betraying myself.

And class is such a weird subject in this country. The millionaires I work for aren't from money but aspire to everything that comes with their very rich status. The woman I work with on their garden sounds really posh. For all I know that might be an accent she's taken on to get ahead. It's like she's on the same level as them. She went round the garden with the lady of the house talking about plans for the garden while I was on my hands and knees weeding a brick path. I wondered if I should polish their shoes as they walked by. I feel like the character in The Fast Show who works on the big estate and when his boss comes out he doesn't say anything, just looks at his shoes as they stand in awkward self-consciousness.

Ultimately it's the thoughts I have about myself that affect my ability to function in this world to the best of my ability. If I was still seeing my therapist I would do EMDR on this. Reprogramme my brain with confidence. My husband is getting very good at not giving me ANY negative feedback. I told him I have so many negative thoughts about myself that to hear any from someone else is enough to floor me. I have a lot of skill and talent but not enough faith in myself.
I am starting this gardening work because I have to. I choose this kind of work because I know I am going to enjoy it. And I do have horticultural qualifications. But I got them 10 years ago. I need to practice actually doing some gardening. I know I will get to a stage where I will feel more confident. Right now I feel like a bit of a fake. No, it's worse than that. I think 'you probably shouldn't employ me because I'm a criminal who will rob your house and trash your garden. I might even come in the night and murder you in your bed'.

Oh my goodness. I've got a lot of positive thinking to do. When I'm not meditating out of my body that is :)

Abbaye de Fontcaude

2009-09-02T13:59:00.000-07:00

One day at a Time

2009-09-02T00:07:00.000-07:00

When I told my doctor I was going to see a therapist last September he said, 'you will feel worse before you feel better'. After my first meeting with my therapist I felt a lot better. I cried. I was heard. Then as the weeks continued I felt a lot worse. 'You will feel worse before you feel better' my therapist said. I had no idea how deep the depths of the 'worse' were going to be. 'How much WORSE is it going to get?' I wailed. I was SURVIVING.

After one of my sessions I came back to my town feeling really pretty wretched. I thought I might look around the shops and try and cheer myself up. I went into a shop and looked at all the clothes and thought 'I don't know myself'. 'I don't know what I want to wear'. Usually buying a new outfit would cheer me up. Not this time. It seemed futile and pointless to me. I went to the bookshop instead. My therapist had told me about Byron Katie. I decided to see if there were any books by her. There weren't. I was looking in the self-help section. TOTALLY SELF CONSCIOUS AND MORTIFIED to even be there. I found a book called Change Your Thoughts - Change Your Life: Living the Wisdom of the Tao by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer. It has a verse from the Tao and then Dyer's translation of it which he then applies to modern Western life by way of a task; something to think about or do. I read the first verse that night. Every night after that I read a verse before going to sleep until I had finished the book. There were times when it spooked me out. I would have a question in the day and that night it would be answered in the verse of the Tao I read.

It's such an amazing book. I think it's wonderful that there are so many different spiritual leaders and religions in the world. People who believe in one religion, usually their own religion often reject the others. They complain about practices they don't agree with or point out how each wars with the other (not realising their own judgement and separateness is a form of war). But look at the benefits: it's possible to be raised in a religion, to lose ones way and to come back to God with a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT RELIGION. It's possible to be raised with no religion and to be surrounded by many religious people. It's possible to be completely lost in yourself, completely isolated mentally and to have a choice of religions that can help you get in touch with a deeper, more spiritual side of yourself. Isn't that amazing?!

My criticism of the religions is that all the pomp and ceremony can be extremely intimidating. It can feel like a club you don't belong to as soon as you walk in the door. You know, stand up at this time, bow at that time, shake hands another time. You can come home from a visit to a church or Buddhist centre totally stressed with your nerves all in a mess. I'm not surprised folks aren't keen to pursue spiritual knowledge. In spite of this, in spite of the difficulties, people do. That is the strength of spirit.

I made my bed

2009-09-01T07:05:00.000-07:00

I lie on my bed
Just woken from a dream
Of my mother-in-law
Terrified of ghosts
At the top of the house
Rushing downstairs
To arguments
Around the dinner table
A feast of red desserts
Transparent fruits unrecognisable
And children
Standing up for themselves

I lie on my bed
Before the day begins
Breathing in the sound of the ocean
Rushing in and out endlessly
Over shingle, glistening
Inside of me
Floating on my back
Palms upturned
Head cool
A halo of sea
And hair like seaweed, wet
Bobbing about in the sun
Being held gently

I am my breath
I am the ocean
I am a dreamer

Do The Funky Chicken!

2009-08-30T04:43:00.001-07:00

Shine

2009-08-30T04:02:00.000-07:00

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most.
We ask ourselves, 'Who am I
to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and famous?'
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightening about shrinking
so that people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest
the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us.
And when we let our light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others."
-Marianne Williamson-

An Award for Me!

2009-08-29T00:00:00.000-07:00

I was very surprised to receive an award this week. Here is what I have to do now. (Thanks to Janis who I copied this info from.)

1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
Thank you FireByrd!!! For reading my blog and commenting and awarding me! Especially thank you because I know you have a lot of friends and a lot of people you stay in contact with.

2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
See above

3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
http://byrdonfire.blogspot.com/
I love Firebyrds blog because she writes openly and honestly about herself and her life. Because she is a very wise woman. Because she is a therapist which is a healing occupation and she shares some of her knowledge in her blog. Because she posts beautiful photographs.

4. Name 7 things about yourself that people might find interesting.

1. I danced The Funky Chicken on stage with Rufus Thomas.
2. My favourite animals as a child were frogs and toads. I used to collect them.
3. I spent a day sunbathing on the terrace of a screen writer's house in the Hollywood Hills.
4. I sang in a talent show to a hall full of people from all over Europe and won.
5. I am one of 2,000 people involved in a litigation against Glaxosmithkline for marketing a defective and addictive antidepressant: seroxat.
6. My post natal depression has been a spiritual awakening.
7. And during the depression I wrote 40 poems in 4 months compulsively not having written a poem since I was 19.

5. Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
I haven't been doing this bloggy thing for long so I had to do a bit of a search and I found some lovely creative blogs. I'm very inspired by gardeners and crafters and my aim is to be creative as possible and hopefully earn money from it too. There are a LOT of amazing women in American making a living through their crafts. I wonder if this is possible because it's such a big country. Also many women who seem to find time even though they have a house full of children hanging from them...quite amazing. There are some gorgeous photos on these blogs. And, I want to award my friend Vicki because I want to know more about her and I love her love of her family, music and dance. X

1. Here in My world
2. Garden Porn
3. Noel's Garden Blog
4. Skippy's Vegetable Garden
5. Messe Jesse
6. Recycle Remake Redesign Recraft Reuse Recreate Reclaim Reduce
7. PoppyTalk

6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
Have done that.

7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they have been nominated.
Will have to think about this for new ones as I feel too shy to do that right now!

All you need is love

2009-08-28T06:28:00.000-07:00

Last night I went for a jog because I could feel anxiety building in my body. Since last week I've had hip trouble. I'm hobbling like an old woman. I first had it when I was pregnant with D. The hormones that relax and soften the joints and muscles can leave you susceptible to injury. Last week I went to a yoga class with a new teacher and we were doing a lot of hip work and I've strained it obviously. I'm annoyed about it. I need to be physical to help with the anxiety so an injury is a blood nuisance.

I jogged very gently. It was getting dark. The sky was very menacing. Big heavy, thundery looking clouds were piled on top of each other. The wind was battering the trees about. I sat down in some long grass in the middle of it all. Looking out to sea. Surrounded by dark grey, blue and black. It was frightening. I focused on my breathing and prayed for help for myself and everyone. I have a tendency to do this these days. I wondered how the weather was affecting my mood. Imagining if I would feel differently on a calm, clear, warm evening. Thinking about the summer passing. Coming to the time that my depression was at it's worst last year. This is making me feel worried. Being aware that the nights will become longer; the days shorter. My life with be clothed in darkness. I really don't like this.

A young man walked past me. I jumped out of my skin. I felt like a fool sitting in meditation pose in the darkness in the grass. I decided to just feel the fear. He passed quickly without looking at me. I hoped no one else would be out lurking about. I thought about how much safer I would feel there on a warm sunny day. I suppose it is quite odd to sit outdoors praying in the wind and the dark.

I slept well last night. Had a dream I was at an event on a very steep slope. I met some girls who had bullied me at school. I wasn't afraid of them. They said something derogatory and it didn't affect me. It's interesting when we meet people from the past in dreams I think. There was someone else I talked to, I can't remember. It was a sign that I have really moved on and let go of a lot of old hurts. Today I am exhausted though. Sometimes it all catches up. The money worries, the work worries, the 2 year old worries, the relationship worries, the sore hip, the anxiety etc. etc. Things aren't very calm or peaceful or balanced. They say money doesn't bring you happiness. I say 'want a bet?'.

I asked my man to take D out while he was still sleeping in his buggy because he usually wakes up in less of a bad mood if he's out on the road going somewhere. I asked him to take him out for a couple of hours this afternoon so that I could finish a portrait. Although I feel too exhausted to even do this. But he said he had to finish the accounts. He's been doing accounts for the past fortnight. I'm fed up with it. So D has woken up and is screaming the house down. Which he does every day. For no obvious reason. He'll be in a terrible mood for up to an hour. It's enough to finish me off for the day.

I'm going to have a little dream: I'm rich enough to afford to have someone (a whole team is needed actually) come and tidy my house up for me and clean it. I am rich enough to go away for the weekend to some lovely quiet place in the country where I can paint and do yoga and meditate.

Oh my God I'm so tired I don't know how I'll manage through the day. Maybe I should just let the wee man watch TV all afternoon and try and not feel hellishly guilty about it? I think that is what the hubby is doing down there just now. It's gone quiet. I think I'll just lie here on the bed for a little while.

As promised here is some text from the book I have been reading The Lightworker's Way, Awakening your Spiritual Power to Know and Heal.

"Your true self and your ego self live separate but parallel lives. One has a life of peace, health, harmony and complete fulfillment, while the other suffers a life of worry, illness and lack."

Hello....

"To illustrate this point, Kenneth Wapnick, PHD., author of books about A Course in Miracles, uses the metaphor of two VCR tapes. If we push the 'on' button for our true-self videotape, we experience a happy movie. But if we switch to the ego's videotape, we watch an entirely different movie. We choose our movie with thoughts of fear or love. A loving thought is the 'on' switch for our true self-movie, while a fearful thought is the 'on' button for the ego's movie. Most of us go through life continually channel-surfing between the ego and true-self movies. The result is chaos and confusion."

"The ego world believes that matter is solid and that it has a mind or life of it's own. By understanding that matter is actually energy, and that thoughts direct energy, humans begin to see how they are the authors of their own reality. They are the dreamers of the dream in other words."

"The ego world defines "life" as bodies and other matter, so it is continually focused on "doing" or "getting" Energy radiates inwardly and outwardly as a reflection of the material belief in action."

""life" in the true-self world is defined as spirit, and so it's focus is on "being". There is nothing to do or get in the true self world, as all needs are here in the "now".

I have experienced my true self during yoga while suffering from depression. It was a very powerful spiritual experience for me. I suppose all my emotions were amplified during that time. So when I felt that peace and joy it was enough to make me want to run into the streets and urge everyone to take up yoga. But in everyday life, when it's all going on?! Can it really be as simple as turning a switch. Is that what 'turn on, drop out' means?! (I've always been a bit of a hippy). I'm going to go and consciously have nothing but loving thoughts for the rest of the day. I am going to go and actively 'love'. Because if you think of love as a verb and not a noun it is something that you do, not something that you need. So, if you want love, you have to love. I am going to stop and send loving thoughts to all of you whenever I start to feel sorry for myself and my ego starts to take over and cause me chaos and confusion.

I'll let you know how it goes....

"What you can't get out of, get into wholeheartedly". Mignon McLaughlin

mind and body and miraculous occurrences

2009-08-26T13:29:00.000-07:00

This post contains some sexual content. Just thought I should warn you in case it's a trigger or you might be eating your dinner...

Apart from the new gardening job going well and having a mostly lovely weekend with my boy and my man, we rowed on Monday and I was feeling stuck and down about it. My mum and my Aunty (who has been down visiting) came to help out with D on Monday. My man felt as though he had to entertain them and look after them and make sure it was all going ok. As far as I knew they were perfectly fine, it was a chance to get on with my work so I went upstairs and started work on a new portrait. My man came upstairs and was asking me what the plan was etc. I was busy concentrating on my drawing. I could tell he was grumpy. He asked me if I would update his web site and then said 'since I spent a couple of days fixing up the bike for you'. I hate it when he does that. When my mum and aunty were leaving I walked them down the road and we talked about family troubles and I spoke a bit about the frustrations I have with my man. I think this added fuel to the fire. I sort of was listing his 'failings'. I got really angry. When I got home I felt I had to tell him how angry I was. How much I hated the comment he made about fixing the bike and I can't even remember the details of the rest but it's a pretty typical pattern of the disputes we have. It seems like we're having an adult discussion and before we know it it's all pouting and hurting and leaving and silence.

That night I had an appointment to see the new counsellor. I made it a while ago because I thought I needed to find someone to replace the therapist in the other town that was costing me a fortune per hour, who I had to leave so abrutly. She's a human givens therapist. They do a relaxation technique that is supposed to be great for anxiety, stress, PTSD etc. I liked the sound of that because I very much believe that I need something like that to alter my brain pattern and thinking pattern to help me move forward and become a better person. Talk therapy alone is not enough. I was very happy with the results from doing the EMDR and not happy about having to give that up.

When I cycled over to see her I was feeling reluctant. It's such an effort going to see a new therapist. Tell them all the worst shit that's ever happened. I SO don't have time or money to be 'building a relationship of trust' before I will let her know what I need her to know. I just laid it all on the table. I was probably a bit defensive. OR maybe it shows I'm a stronger person in myself that I would actually think 'I'm paying you for a service, what are you going to do for me?'. I think it's a bloody miracle I can meet someone for the first time now and say 'abuse' and 'rape' oh and 'affair' that's another one tied up with shame and disgust; all of my own making! I could never have done that before. She was really very good. She heard my concerns about money and that I don't know if I can afford to go back and see her. She wanted me to get the most out of our session. I looked her over and where she lived and made a million judgements. I think this is just a defence mechanism because I was feeling vulnerable and afraid.

We talked about my row with my man. She explained about the way the brain works and how when we have an emotional reaction we can't think straight and how if we can think straight we can understand the situation and our reaction better and handle it better. I told her if one of us could just learn to not be so reactive.... She told me about the 7/11 breathing technique to help diffuse the emotions. Breathe in for seven. Breathe out slowly for eleven. We did this while I was there. Even something like that I would have felt like I would die from self consciousness and embarrassment in the past. She asked me how I felt when my man made the comment 'can you help me because I did ....for you'. I said I felt hurt. She asked me what my need was. I said my need was unconditional love. Is it always about the father with women in therapy?! I told her how he reminds me of my father. How I've made the incredibly tragic mistake of choosing a man like my father. She said this was good because it gives me a chance to work out issues. I love when therapists think awful shitty things are good :) She asked me what I didn't get from my father. I said love. She said so you could have said to your man 'when you said.....it makes me feel hurt and reminds me of the lack of love I had from my father and I really need to be loved'. I burst our crying. I know I should communicate like this because I've read it in books but I always forget. I am so terrified of showing vulnerability and asking to be loved because I'm so afraid of rejection that I will go straight into anger and attack and feel justified. She asked me if this happens in other relationships and I said no. It's really intense with my man. Happens occasionally with someone else if they are very angry or nasty to me and I feel it is unjustified.

Oh and then the therapist did the rewind technique. She got me to relax by counting and speaking very softly and gently. I had to imagine myself in a safe place - I imagined the place in the country that I wrote the poem about (posted a few posts back) - and I had to watch my life on a video recorder, starting at a safe place when I was very young (my gran's house) to the safe place in the country. I had to rewind through it very fast. Then forward very fast. I was asked to do this a few times. Then I had to take the tape out and destroy it by throwing it in the sea or whatever. I had a bit of angst about that because I was thinking it would pollute the sea and I couldn't bury it because it's not compostable. So I decided to smash it up and collect the pieces in a black plastic bag to take home and put in the bin. She also said a lot of positive things during the relaxation. At the end she told me the story of the ugly duckling. I thought 'this is silly'. But the child in me said 'shut up! I'm really enjoying this. This woman has a lovely voice and is kind and just bloody well listen to what she's saying!'.

I came home feeling refreshed. I was happy that she'd helped me to see a typical stuck pattern I have with my man. I felt full of love for him. I felt my money was well spent. I wanted to discuss with him what had gone wrong earlier in the day. He had imagined a whole load of stuff and had become stressed about it without talking to me about it. (Like he thought I was ignoring him when I was working on my drawing. But he didn't say 'are you ignoring me?' I had no idea!) He said he doesn't know what he's feeling. Oh boy. He was still angry with me. He brought up the fact that I've said some horrible things to him. I have. I've called him names. I've threatened this that and the next thing...I shouted 'when are you going to forgive me for things I've said in the heat of the moment and when I had depression that I'm not happy about and am desperately trying to work out. Why don't YOU go to counselling!!'

At this point I think we should all take a deep breath. And if you're still reading this without having passed out on the floor with the sheer bloody misery of it all then I really admire you. We resolved it quite quickly. He apologised for being angry still when I had come home all hopeful and wanting to be loving. A strange thing happened. The next day I saw a friend and had a lot of thoughts about my past and the bad stuff. This always affects me physically. I felt sick in my body, I can't really think of a better way to describe it right now. That night me and my man watched a drama about the 19th Century artists on telly. There was a lot of angst in it. I thought it was funny. I thought of us both, artists, and our angst ridden relationship and it all seemed funny to me. And the programme was a bit saucy so I felt horny. When I woke up the next morning (this morning) I still felt horny. But I felt anxious as well. And I was plagued by intrusive thoughts and confusion. I remembered what the therapist had said during the rewind technique about me having a body that is mine for pleasure. I thought 'how can I get beyond the problem of never having been able to associate sex with love?' So I just told myself for the first time in our 18 year relationship, 'WHEN MY MAN WANTS TO MAKE LOVE TO ME IT'S BECAUSE HE LOVES ME. We made love ( for the first time in quite a while). I can't tell you what a huge massive breakthrough in consciousness this new message I told myself is. It's like being a completely new and different person. It's not that the sex and how it feels is radically different. It's what it means to me that has shifted. I think I can almost imagine what it must be like to have never experienced any other way. Like I'm sure many women do. Sex is love. I think it's something I can work on and build on. This gives me my favourite thing....HOPE.

By the way. I really miss my old therapist. And if I had the money I would still be going to see him. Although I do have a bit of a crush on him. I wonder how much of a problem that is. I know all about sexual transference...I found out on the internet and nearly died. I went straight back to see him and told him I knew that was happening while he looked at me with his eyes wide open. I've sat in his room with my body there and me somewhere else. I've sat there barely able to put a sentence together when I had my wee spell of psychosis. We've been through a lot together. I'm going to start saving. So I can go back and see him and treat myself to some more EMDR in the future. I wonder if it's possible to become a therapy junky?

I'm a gardener now

2009-08-24T13:46:00.000-07:00

I really enjoyed the first day of my gardening job. It had rained heavily in the morning so the ground was nice and soft and easy to weed. I was working in beautiful, warm, sunshine. I worked on the vegetable plot. I weeded and cut back the calendula (marigolds) which had mostly finished flowering and were going to seed. Quite a few new marigold plants had self-seeded in the beds so I transplanted these to the edges that were bare. The people I'm working for are very rich. I was really happy with the work I had done. Then the lady and man of the house came out into the garden. His wife said 'oh look!' at the work I'd done. He looked at the beds and said 'it looks so sterile'. I said, 'there's plenty of room to put new plants'. He said 'have we met?' I said 'Hi I'm ...' I agreed that I don't like to weed and then leave the soil bare and that I was going to mulch. He seemed happy with that. My back was a bit sore after all the weeding. I will have to be careful of that. I would much rather be working on my own garden and allotment rather than on this millionaire couple's garden who don't actually NEED to grow their own food. They have fruit trees laden with fruit that will probably not get eaten. But, it will all be a good education for me. I'm accepting the situation. How does everyone else write text underneath each photo on their blogs? When I put photos on they all automatically go to the top of my post. The first photo shows the bed after I weeded it.

The best and the worst of times

2009-08-18T01:25:00.000-07:00

I'm going to be pretty busy this week. D's nursery is closed for a fortnight and I'm starting some new gardening jobs! So I'm going to be really busy. I had an awful day on Saturday. I was angry with my man and later he was angry with me. When we lose love like this I immediately feel like cutting myself. But I didn't. I cried instead. I took the dog for a walk for some space. He made me rice pudding. I gave him a shoulder rub. I was still angry later in bed. It was 20 years worth of anger. I was so angry I thought about stabbing him. What happens when you wake up one day and realise you've allowed another person to treat you not very nicely a lot of the time and have never said anything about it? The love of your life. There wasn't much love there because you didn't really know what love is? Criticism and anger and moods might be love? Because it's all you've known. And I really haven't been loving him enough either. Really quite a messy situation to be in. Especially when you have a mortgage, a dog and a 2 year old. Or a challenge. I remember that's what I thought when I met him, 'he'll be a challenge'. I approached relationships like I was going on an assault course.

I'm reading a book about lightworkers and healers. There is a fantastic section that talks about our ego's hold on us. It is not our true selves. Our true selves are happy and joyful! (I know this from doing yoga. I could access this true self even when my ego had deteriorated completely because of the depression. Or maybe because of that.) ALL the wrongs done in the world are done in the cause of love and happiness. This is probably very difficult to grasp. I'll write more later with some quote from the book. I understand it really clearly. The woman writing the book also believes all our aches and pains and mental illnesses are caused by holding on to unforgiveness. I can relate to that. So what to do? She is a healer. Her book is a guide for others to be healers. I'm going to heal myself I decided. She has meditations in there which I will post when I next get time. So I went to sleep in the spare bed and read some of this book. I did her meditation and prayed for help to get beyond my anger and see the day's events in a different way. The next morning I woke up. I could see that I had started off angry in the morning. It had annoyed him. My ego, in protecting itself, had turned all the blame on my husband. I could see it was my fault. I felt sad and sorry and love for my husband. I apologised to him and we hugged. We planned a day out cycling which was absolutely wonderful! Blue sky, blinding sun, wind in our hair. We walked in a wood. We saw seals at a rescue centre kissing in the water. We splashed in the waves on a sandy beach. We ate brambles on a country lane. We shouted 'toot toot' at a train and 'baaaaahhh' to the sheep. We whizzed up and down hills. We stopped at a pub and bought one meal to share as that's all we could afford.

We are not merely our bodies. We are more than our bodies. We don't have to let our egos control us. This new revelation has made a huge big impact on me. Maybe it's all I need to know.

Strawberries and doves in the trees

2009-08-14T12:08:00.000-07:00

I have always found immense comfort in nature. From a very young age I was taken for long walks in the country and the hills. As a child I had a wonderful time working on my grandparent’s garden. My grandpa gave me lots of tasks to keep me from getting under his feet. One of my favourite jobs was cutting off the dead pinks flowers. It kept me busy for hours. I loved how neat and tidy the spongy plants looked afterwards. It was like giving them a haircut. My grandpa was a miner. After he retired he worked as a cobbler and watch and clock mender. He became quite famous for it. He had a shed full of fascinating bits and pieces. Jars were lined up on shelves full of bits of watches, nails big and small, rusty pieces of metal all shapes and sizes; his precious treasures not to be disturbed. When he was really old he became paranoid that burglars would break into his shed. There was nothing valuable in there. He painted white stripes on it so he could see figures moving in front of it at night. It glowed! He devised a dangerous lock that would launch a nail into your thumb if you tried to open it. One day I arrived for a visit. My gran told me to be careful walking down the garden path. He had buried 6 inch nails in it all the way down; sharp points sticking up in the air ready for an intruder to impale themselves on. What a loon. We’re really good at laughing at mental illness in our family. When we’re not pretending it doesn’t exist.

When I was 25 years old (12 years ago) I had my first severe depression. I had panic attacks, disassociation, agoraphobia. I lost my friends, work, identity. I lost an awful lot of weight. I was probably a ‘size zero’ in the days before the term existed. It made an awful lot of women jealous. I wasn’t able to tell them or anyone how much I was suffering. I didn’t fully understand it myself. If I had been able to, I might have found the compassion I so needed. You shouldn’t judge a book by the cover. They judged me and made comments about me, which was very painful for me. I felt separate from them. I felt they were rejecting me. It tapped into my bullying experiences at school. I was all fucked up and they thought I was too perfect. Their comments about how skinny I was really stung. My mother commented on how skinny I was my whole childhood. Told me I looked like a concentration camp victim. My Brownie outfit hung on my frame making me look like “a sack of potatoes”. She was insecure about her own weight; still is. I don’t remember any positive comments about my appearance from her. Other people would rave about how beautiful my eyes were. I thought it was strange. My mum didn’t have the vocabulary. She had never heard anything positive herself growing up. She needs to be told she is beautiful and loveable. This is the greatest gift I could give to her. I haven’t been able to because of my own pain and resentment. At some point someone has to make it stop. Turn pain into pleasure. Make joy flourish. This can’t be done without a huge amount of pain and struggle.

Because of my first depression and the devastation it caused I decided to do a course in horticulture. I can’t remember why I got this notion. It was mostly mature students on the course like myself. We were all misfits in one way or another. Apart from one or two people it became a great little family. There was a guy who had run away from a media career in London, totally burnt out on that lifestyle. We studied in the neglected grounds of a derelict stately home. There was a huge, long herbaceous border bursting with exotic varieties of shrubs. My favourite was the strawberry tree. The red fruits are tasteless and nothing like true strawberries. But they look so beautiful dangling from the tree like little red lanterns. Interestingly, the painting The Garden of Earthly Delights by Hieronymus Bosch was originally listed in the inventories of the Spanish Crown as "the picture with the strawberry-tree fruits". Working in these gardens was like being in paradise. Another favourite of mine was the handkerchief tree, also known as the dove tree. The white flowers hang down from the branches like handkerchiefs on a washing line. On a breezy day, they flutter in the wind like white doves. We had to learn the latin names of ten plants every day. I’ve forgotten most of it now unfortunately. The horticulture course gave me something other than myself to think about. I was able to immerse myself in the study of our planet’s most beautiful creations. They are gifts to us. They need us to tend and nurture them and in return they burst into the most incredible displays or produce the most delicious fruits. Plants will struggle for life and will often thrive in the most inhospitable conditions. Even during the death of depression I was being pulled back to life by the force and energy around me in nature. Open your eyes to it. Touch it. Breathe it in. Be thankful for it. On your journey today, if you get the chance, stop and smell the roses.

For Sarah with love

2009-08-13T06:14:00.000-07:00

I said that I would post this for Sarah. It was during the WORST of the depression. I have never gone walking on my own in the country before. It was winter. This is the poem I wrote when I came home:

A friend in Need

I need God
Like I’ve never needed him/her/me before
More than the time
I walked home from Glasgow
4 miles on my own at 3am
Drunk
Missed all the night buses
Through Springburn
Past the high flats at Balgrayhill
The worst bit
Psychos and murderers and rapists
Hiding in every corner
Slurring the Hail Mary
Over and over
I’ll take any God that’s going
Right now
I’ll chant Hare Krishna
Meditate with Buddha
Embrace Mother Essence
I hope you don’t think me greedy
Taking my pick of the Deities
We used to buy a 10p
Pick and mix bag off the ice cream van
You never know what you’ll find
Different tastes, colours, shapes
Some you like, some you don’t
But all sweets, the same
There would always be something
I liked the taste off
Even though
I didn’t have a sweet tooth

During another sleepless night
I read a verse from the Tao
Am advised to think of a friend
And say in my mind to them
‘Think of me’
I wake up the next morning
And tell myself
‘You have to go for a walk’
So off I go heading for the wilderness
With a picnic
In the dead of winter
With storms threatening
Alone again but without fear
Crying as the sun breaks through
I remember something, a story?
Footprints in the sand
Two sets, mine and God’s
Walking together
I see only one set of footprints
At the lowest, hardest times
‘Why would you leave me
When I needed you most?’ I ask
‘Those were the times I carried you’ is the reply
I smile inside
Imagine myself being carried

Heading down into the dark
I stroke feathery moss neon bright
See so much alive and vibrant
Growing from the ground
I hang onto strong branches
With old ivy clinging
Hanging on like a toddler
Wrapped around his mother
On roots tiny like centipede’s legs
Giving a coat of green
Nearly smothering
As ivy ages
The leaves change
From sharp, pointed
Become softer and round
I creep deeper and deeper
Into a forest
Climbing through straggly roots
And spongy leaves
Making sure I’m completely hidden
Just in case
Surely it’s unlikely
There will be psychos hiding out here?
I see a small furry creature
Dash into his front door
Afraid of me
I say, ‘hello’ to him
And hope he doesn’t mind
Me peeing in his front garden

Did you know
It is possible to feel the summer in winter?
You don’t have to worry about
Saving every last penny
To escape to a place in the sun
Sitting at home miserable
Cursing the weather to hell
Moaning about it to anyone who’ll listen
When you walk
A long way
Your body warms you
In the dull light
The sun shines
In the bright orange bark
Of a sawn off log
Bumpy rings rippling outwards
A threatening roar
Turns out to be
A stream overflowing
Rushing and crashing with energy
Exciting!
Following it to see where it goes
Charging effortlessly down
Cascading over a ledge
With a hidden cave underneath
To trickle an awkward path
Through boulders and pebbles
Towards the ever present sea
Still today

Trying to climb
A bumpy hill in the mud
Is a challenge
Forces you onto your hands sometimes
Scrambling like a beetle
Laughing at myself
My dog dancing up
Much more elegantly
I watch the way he goes
And follow knowing
It’s probably the most sensible path
I emerge Innocent and happy
Passing the only other traveller
I say, ‘Lovely Day!’
He replies, ‘Scottish eh?’
Makes me laugh
Mad dogs and Scottish girls
Out in the winter mist

Sitting at the peak
Eating a cheese and pickle roll
My dog whinging for handouts
A crow hangs above us noisily
Swirling and diving
He's furious now
Bounces around growling angrily
Do crows attack people? I wonder
Suddenly afraid, out here alone
Imagine my eyes being pecked out
Thankful for my loyal spaniel
The sky darkens, I’m getting cold
Time to go home
Walking across the field
Shoe gazing
I’m stomping through tiny
Chocolate drops
The place is covered in rabbit shit
Much worse than our grey streets
Filthy piles of dog crap everywhere
Gets everyone raging
And putting posters in their windows
A bright yellow bark
Of disapproval
‘I say NO to dog fowling!’
Good for you!
Wonder how you feel in the country
When you’re up to your knees in it
‘Lovely day’
You would probably say

22.01.2009

Sunflower therapy

2009-08-10T01:46:00.001-07:00

During this very difficult time I am going to have to accept that I am going to have times of strength, inspiration, joy even and times of despair, hopelessness and misery. I have to remember that no state lasts forever. Though when I'm feeling dejected it seems like I will be in this state for ever more. (I never think that of happiness and joy!) And then comes the 'there's no point, I give up'. My therapist told me that suicidal thoughts come from believing the present situation we are in will NEVER change. At my very lowest suicidal thoughts are like practical solutions to me. I'll tell myself calmly, 'if you just jump under that train it will be over, the battle will be over, you'll be free, released'. Usually I think about the pain, blood and gore next. I've never attempted suicide. I can watch myself have these thoughts, I can feel the pain of having these thoughts during the most painful moments. It is like having another person invade my body for a short while.

So as positive as my previous post was, as empowering making a plan of action list is, it all means nothing to me when I plummet into hopelessness and despair. I am still experiencing extreme states. I had a row with my husband on Saturday. He wanted to hang out with some people I don't feel comfortable with. I didn't. I wasn't really able to fully express myself as to why. I do this thing of thinking, 'if you really knew and loved me you would understand me you would know'. Which really is going to get me nowhere. So I just said I didn't want to. He said, 'don't be so neurotic'. A couple of minutes later this sunk in, 'you're neurotic'. And my little fireball fighter inside RAGED. I told him I hated him and was trying not to think about the fact I wanted to stab him in the head. See, read any anger management book and they pretty much all say this sort of communication isn't such a great idea. So I felt the rage, we lost a lot of intimacy, the day was pretty awful and I went into depression, just like that. He was able to apologise for calling me neurotic. The damage was done. You see, we're both like children around each other. I've always been the sensible parent in the relationship and lately my inner child has taken over and whooomph she's having the tantrum of her life.

I know we have to learn from this. I know what we have to do. I have the books to work from. I just have to get out of my stubborn frame of mind. 'why should I?'. 'why doesn't he read a book?'. 'I'm fed up with him'. 'our whole relationship has been hell'. 'I've put up with enough, time to move on'.'He makes me depressed'.'He will never change'. Well, you know the Byron Katie book The Work about how everything we rage about outside ourselves is actually about ourselves? So turning it around: I need to read the books. I'm fed up with myself. I've put up with a hellish relationship. I need to move forward. I am feeling depressed often. I'm afraid I will never change.

I don't feel like I am 'in' a depression anymore. I feel as though the depression is hanging around like the distant rumble of thunder after a severe storm. Even though some of the clouds have cleared and the sun has come out the storm hasn't finished and the sky can darken and we can be surprised by the electric force of the flashing lightening during the next downpour. My anger is like that lightening. A downpour of crying is a release. Then I have to go back to basic 'get me out of depression' methods to get me back into a functioning state.

Yesterday this included think about what I feel like doing, not what I should be doing. The thing about lists and schemes and plans is they can easily become unachievable burdens. In my depressed mind I think, 'who am I kidding. I'll never achieve even one thing I want to do; I'm such a failure'. Also my husband can contribute to this by giving me 'helpful orders, 'don't do housework, do something towards earning money'.

I looked at the grass. It was getting long. I decided to cut the grass. This isn't a priority. I did it anyway. I like cutting the grass. When I feel overwhelmed SIMPLE ACHIEVABLE TASKS help to lift me. I felt happy that I had cut the grass. Great. I washed our sheets and hung them out. Then I cleaned the floor. I don't like cleaning the floor. It really needed to be done though. I felt happy with my clean floor. I took out the rubbish. I threw the dead sunflowers in the bin and replaced them with new fresh ones from the garden. This really made me happy inside. So, I'm building the happiness little by little. And as I build it I'm slowly erasing the hopelessness, despair and inertia. I was lucky. My husband took D out for the day so I could have some space to build my happiness. Other days I'm not so lucky. I might have something challenging to deal with (constant with a 2 year old). Which would push me further into feelings of helplessness and depression. It's all about balance. I do not need antidepressants.

DO THINGS THAT MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD. My therapist told me. It was such a strange concept for me :) I really had to think, 'how the hell do I do that?!'. Looking at sunflowers that I have grown from tiny seeds of nothing makes me feel good.

Untangling the knots

2009-08-04T20:08:00.000-07:00

If I've learned anything in therapy over the last year it is that I need to accept and express my emotions if I want to avoid plummeting into depression. When I start to go into depression I become so out of touch with myself that I'm not even sure what an emotion is. In spite of my best efforts on Sunday I was still in a depressive mood yesterday. Do you know what I was thinking all day? 'I want to go to bed'. I wanted to be left in peace and quiet to read, meditate, sleep. It's as simple as that. But we can't always get what we want/need. I had to get up and care for a boisterous two year old. I took him to playgroup which makes things easier in some ways (I don't have to come up with entertainment) but also causes me problems that seem insurmountable when I feel depressed (having to constantly supervise his behaviour so that he's not off using another child's head as a springboard. Terrified of feeling overwhelmed emotionally, therefore out of control). I'm sure my son acts out everything I feel but am unable to express. When he was a baby and sleeping in the same room as us I had a nightmare. One of the ones that makes me scream. Well, to me in my dream state it feels like a scream but is actually an odd sort of wail. My baby made exactly the same noise right after me and then we went back to sleep. I only know this because my husband told me.

I am only able to write this now because I've had seven hours sleep and I feel a bit freshed, a bit less in a fugue. It is 4.20am. I gave up on being with the living at about 8.45pm. I escaped to my bedroom just after D had peed all over me. We're trying to teach him to pee in the toilet. He's done it lots of times. Having a two year old is like a 24 hour assault on me. With the stress of our money situation on top of it. Well, it's not surprising I'm not skipping down the street throwing flowers at everyone I meet.

Vicki. Thank you again for your kind comment. I read it yesterday and wasn't really able to take it in. I didn't get your email but I haven't checked my email account on the other computer (I'm using the laptop) it might have come in there. Thank you for that. And thank you for thinking of me. It is helping with my feelings of 'fuck it, I'm giving up'. Ultimately that's what depression is like for me. It might also be a way my body forces me to stop and rest because I have never learned how to do this. Never allowed myself to do this enough. Truthfully, I feel guilty that I went to bed and left my husband to deal with D alone who I could hear screaming some of the time. I feel guilty that I was enjoying sitting with them feeling nothing. Aware of the huge steel doors that were shut in front of me, a protection of sorts. Something I could hide behind. That glorious numbness. A defiance. This is how I learned to have control in an uncontrollable situation as a child. And all I needed was space and sleep. To take myself away and heal and sooth myself in safety. This has been so lacking in my life.

There's been another emotion that I'm not too happy to be aquainted with; anger. I have been feeling so angry. When I feel angry I feel angry about every little thing in my life I was ever angry about. I feel angry with every selfish, uncaring thing my husband has ever done (19 years, quite a library of crimes). I feel so angry I fantasise about wrath and revenge and destruction and injury. Then am so disgusted with myself I turn it all onto myself. How long are emotions supposed to last? I mean healthy emotions? Is it normal to be angry for a day? A couple of days? A week? I have a big problem with forgiveness. I could be angry at someone for the rest of their lives. I can intellectually grasp the concept of how negative emotions are no good to myself and those around me. I can see this is a fact when I am in a state of calm, peaceful contemplation but when I'm angry all sense and reason go out of the window. In order to prevent myself from being angry I become depressed. I don't feel angry in this moment or depressed. I'm so grateful for that.

A woman at playgroup angrily told me my son was 'roughing up' the other children a couple of weeks ago. He likes to play rough. Some of the other boys do too. They're boys! Her boy was knocked over and D climbed on top of him. I was talking to someone so missed it. Her boy cried and she got angry with me. I'm not a 'helicopter mum'; I don't hang over my son directing his every move protecting him from every potential danger. He's very confident. He can also be cheeky and push it too far and I've been doing a really god job of directing him in a calm and loving way, I had had a very difficult day with my therapist the day before this happened. I had disacosiated into my child state. When I left I had felt physically violated. It took me a while to understand why I felt rage towards this mum the next day and what had happened with the therapist the day before. It was shame. When she was angry with me I told myself I was a bad mum and I felt ashamed. She had just started coming to the group. I felt invaded. I was surprised by her anger. I felt it was unfair. In being surprised at her anger I wasn't able to respond in the way I would have liked to. I felt powerless. And I felt angry at myself for feeling angry and angry at her for all of the above. I feel exhausted just writing and remembering this.

I saw her yesterday and my heart sank. She was pleasant. I wished she would go away. This is the odd thing. I'm never angry with anyone. Ever. Unless they are angry with me or hurtful or cruel or neglectful. I always expect the best in people. I always assume that someone might be having a right shitty old time of it and could do with a friendly chat or a laugh. The only person I get angry with regularly and express it is my husband. I'm really very good at telling him I'm angry. But I'm also really very good at hurting him. With the stresses on us lately we are falling into bad patterns, our relationship is strained and we are not being supportive of each other enough. There is a lot of hurt and punishment and resentment. A bit of a vicious circle.

I know my therapist would encourage me to be honest and talk to her and tell her how I have been feeling and what I am going through (the woman at playgroup). Yuck. No one else does this in the world. Everyone else is happy to live behind false smiles and veiled resentments. I know it would be the only way I could let go of feeling powerless which just fuels the anger. I've been making such good progress with my therapist's help. I've been feeling stronger. I've done many things that are out of character boosted by the strength of him being there in the background, a safety ledge to fall back on. I can't believe I have to stop seeing him. I never thought I would end therapy like this, just stopping because there is no money. I feel powerless again. It's too early. I'm not ready. I feel trapped in my life and trapped in a place I don't want to be.

Apologies if this is a bit of a rambling read. It has been more of an exercise to try and unravel some of my knotted mind than a piece of coherent writing.

Finding light in the darkness

2009-08-03T02:32:00.000-07:00

I woke up in a depressed state yesterday. It is a thing that takes over me. I'm still in there somewhere, watching sort of helplessly as this destructive mood directs my thoughts and actions. I can't speak without anger. Can't respond without wanting to lash out. Can't move without dragging my feet and sighing. Can't cope with the simplest of tasks. When I'm taken over like this, the very things I need to do and say to come out of it become almost impossible. I would rather wage war upon myself and everyone around me. It is an illness that has symptoms that sabotage the recovery. How can a loved one understand this? How can they separate the person from the behaviour? Isn't that the biggest challenge for us all? To recognise that we are ALL innocent, loving, lovable, pure in heart with behaviours that are not our true selves. I need forgiveness, we need forgiveness, they need forgiveness, everyone needs forgiveness. It is not for me to judge the crimes of another. It is for God. How we behave will come back to us. Those who have caused suffering are suffering. I can't cause suffering to another person with thoughts or actions because it will cause me to suffer. I can't condemn my abusers because they were lost, they didn't know what they were doing and they are suffering. To want to hurt them would do no good to me. My divinity is within myself. Even with suffering. Even with depression. I have to work hard at this.

We were getting ready to go for an hours cycle to visit friends. Where we would eat, then walk for a couple of hours, then eat, then cycle home. I somehow managed to communicate to my husband that I was feeling depressed and couldn't do anything and he just needed to get me onto the bike. I knew I would be fine once I was on the bike. The weather was beautiful. We cycled through rolling countryside. Passed a rabbit sitting at the side of the road a couple of feet from me. Cycled through dark, musty tunnels of trees. Heard the comforting peacefulness of no noise. Crows calling. Horses clopping. Wonderful company with our friends. The boy's made us laugh. W not wanting to share any of his toys in spite of encouragement to do so. 'No' he kept repeating to D who ignored him and played on. Later D clonked him over the head with a stick. We laughed about how much hard work this parenting business is. We walked for miles through fields and woods. The boys content the whole time, in nature. Naturally.

I felt uneasy all day long though. Felt the poison of depression running through me, tainting me. But I was able to laugh. Able to feel a part of a wonderful day, though slightly distant. Able to function so that no one would know. How could anyone understand this thing? After a lovely meal (I even had a small amount of wine) We were offered a lift home as there weren't many daylight hours left. I wanted to cycle. Felt like a challenge. I knew I had to do anything that makes me feel alive to kill the death that comes with depression. I used to be afraid of cycling. I used to be afraid of the dark. We set off. A deer crossed in front of us. Panicked it dived into the hedge, started thrashing against the wire fence. 'It's ok' I called 'we're going now' as we cycled past. Poor thing. I didn't have good lights on the front of my bike. Had to follow behind my husband closely. Really couldn't see much at all when we cycled through the woods. Crazy I thought. On the way there I had been afraid cycling over the damp ground. Now I couldn't see what to be afraid of. I had to trust that we would be ok. While changing gears something snapped on my husband's bike. We stopped by the side of a dark, empty road. My boy was fast asleep. 'Is this safe?' I asked feeling lost and anxious. Worried about cars approaching but none came. He didn't have the tool to fix the chain but managed to fix it so that we could cycle to the next town. By now it was dark. It was such a relief to be on a road with houses, lights, people, a friendly pub. My husband phoned a cycling mate who lived nearby. He came out in his car, brought the right tool and the bike was fixed. D had woken up. 'Moon' he said. He watched wide eyed as cars came and went. Lights blinding us.

We set off in total darkness. The moon large and full but hazy. Bats whizzed around us. In the woods I couldn't see in front of me at all. I just had to focus on the flashing red tail light in front of me. My husband's front light made a white tunnel beam that I drove towards. Thank God I couldn't see how steep the hills were that we were climbing. He is a hill climb champion. He tore off in front of me; my guiding light disappearing. Panicking to change gears I had to keep up. Had to find the energy to get me up the hill so as not to be left behind in the dark, alone. Amazing what you can do when you have to. When he went too far ahead. I called to him. I had to call a few times, louder every time. Slightly panicked. A child afraid of the dark. Then the red light would start to come closer to me. I tried not to focus on the negative thoughts I was having. I played a whole film in my mind of me tumbling over the handle bars, injuring myself badly. Then refused to watch that film again. I saw us all sitting at home safely laughing at our adventure. I focused on that. And the red light. Trusting my instincts, going with it, having to let go. Like I do when I close my eyes meditating. Back at home, safely, we laughed at our adventure. I slept soundly last night.

Rise Above It

2009-07-31T09:19:00.000-07:00

I decided to go off into the country, to get the wild cherry plums we discovered last week to make jam with. I've heard there's a craft fair coming up so I can make it for that. Any that don't sell I will see if my local health food store wants to take them. There was no way I was staying indoors any longer. My boy is loads better. Not even sneezing. He just has a bit of a cough. I managed not to get the deadly flu. I think I've been feeling bad from tiredness and stress. I decided fresh air outdoors would be good for him. It would be good for us all. Especially on such a beautiful, warm sunny day. We set off with the ruck sack packed with nappies, wipes, packed lunch, spare change of clothes (him), two bottles of water, gardening gloves and extendable loppers. I had the idea that I could use those to reach the reddest, ripest plums at the top of the tree. When we got to the magic spot D (I'll call my boy D from now on) fell asleep. Perfect! There would have been no way I could have picked anything with him following me, falling into the nettles.

The plums were harder to get to than I remembered. There were lots of thick, thorny branches all the way down to the ground. Even with the loppers I couldn't really reach the best plums. I was absolutely bloody determined. So I decided to climb the tree. Some of the lower branches were almost horizontal so it wasn't too difficult to get started. I hung my plastic bag on a branch and started picking. I could see the brightest, ripest fruits were at the top. I had to fight through thick thorny branches, breaking some of the old dead ones off to climb higher. This was so exciting. I could just see the top of D's buggy. I had the thought that he would be abducted while I was up the tree. I could see the headlines "woman recovering from depression, lost her job, up a tree picking plums to make jam for craft fair has son abducted from under her nose". I worry about perverts and rapists wandering about outdoors ready to pounce. The ones I've met so far in my life have been under my own roof; members of my own family. Ironic isn't it? I don't know what's worse: the reality or the fantasy.

I climbed until I was lying on a branch at the top of the cherry plum tree. A few steps closer to heaven surrounded by luscious, ripe red cherry plums, with blue sky above me. I must have been about ten feet from the ground. I'm afraid of heights. Or I used to be afraid of heights. It might be the amazing affects of the EMDR therapy but I do seem to be a lot less fearful in general. I picked as many plums as I could, filling up my bag. They were dropping off all around me. Then I shook the branches and a shower of plums fell to the ground. I turned to climb down. It's a lot harder to get down a tree than to get up one! Plus I had a really heavy bag of plumbs. Nevertheless I managed with a bit of sliding, more branches breaking, and catching my clothes. Back on the ground I used the loppers to clear brambles, nettles and low branches so that I could collect the fallen ones. I wanted 6lbs. I had no idea how much I had. the bag was big and heavy.

On the way home I sat in a spot overlooking the sea and my town. All the houses and cars and people so tiny. This was a divine feeling. Like looking at the world from the clouds. The noise, and busyness and fighting and bickering so very far away. I looked at the sea. The sea that is always there. It is always the sea. When there's a recession on or when there's not. When we're having a crisis and when we're not. It just is. And the bushes. They just are. They are there in summer. They are there in winter. They will always be there. Ten generations of my family will come and go and the bushes and trees will always be there. I lay on the ground. Which is also always there. It's all so much bigger than me and my worries.

I got home and weighed the fruit. Ten pounds! I'm going to my mum's to make the jam tomorrow. A while ago I bought a lovely pack of labels and covers for jam making. It caught my eye because it was pretty. I thought I would give it to someone as a present since I've never made jam. My mum has been given jam jars from a friend she works with. I'm all set to get setting. I'm really excited to see how this turns out!

I didn't have my camera because the battery had run out. So here is a photo of D picking blackberries from our walk the other day. August already!

Happiness is an art

2009-07-30T02:44:00.000-07:00

A book I read recently is The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for Living by His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Howard Cutler. It’s a series of interviews the psychiatrist Howard Cutler had with the Dalai Lama “Cutler then develops the Dalai Lama's answers in the context of scientific studies and cases from his own practice, substantiating and elaborating on what he finds to be a revolutionary psychology. Like any art, the art of happiness requires study and practice--and the talent for it, the Dalai Lama assures us, is in our nature. --Brian Bruya” (from Amazon). It’s a good book. I got a lot from it. I really liked how Cutler was trying to apply Buddhist teaching to the problems he finds his patients have (and also to himself).

I always expect professionals like psychiatrists to know the answers to everything. I imagine them to be impeccable human beings. I’ve really struggled with talking to my therapist and all the transference that’s been going on. I would think, ‘he’s perfect and I’m a scumbag’ (amongst other things). This says a lot about how I’ve been relating to everyone in the world most of my life! Thank God for the internet. I would have a session with him, something excruciating would happen, I would come home and do a google search and learn something about myself, usually excruciating.

I started reading this book and quite quickly instead of thinking what a great, knowledgeable man Cutler is I thought, ‘he’s a bit of a twat’. This really cheered me up right away. He has these incredibly privileged meetings with the Dalai Lama where he’s all concerned for the state of the Western World then two minutes later he’s off being rude to a taxi driver. Even in the worst of the depression I wasn’t rude to any taxi drivers. This boosted my self-esteem. I could feel the happiness growing. This book is great.

I don’t have the book beside me to refer to and if I go and get it my son will scream so this next bit is off the top of my head from what I can remember. If I make any total clanger mistakes I apologise now. The Tibetan people like themselves. Which was quite a radical concept for me to grasp; a whole country of people liking themselves. So a lot of Buddhist teaching is about not loving yourself so much but making a huge effort to love others more by acts of self-sacrifice. (This is obviously a problem Cutler could meditate on for the sake of taxi drivers of the world). The Dalai Lama points out that self-hatred is a Western affliction. So for those of us who go out of our way to make everyone else feel ok at the expense of ourselves it would probably be no good following many Buddhist meditations that encourage you to focus on feeling less love for yourself and more for the rest of the world would it? Even His Holiness the Dalai Lama was stumped by this one.

I read in a magazine a while later about a method of meditation that involves imagining opening your heart to love everyone in the world. To begin with you gently thump your chest where your heart is (I don’t know how else to explain this; like Tarzan but just on one side, not as hard and without the yodelling). This warms it up. Then you meditate on the love growing. You could imagine the love being a colour. In one of my yoga classes we imagined green. Imagine the green love filling up your whole body and overflowing so that it floods out of you. The next bit, which for me is harder to imagine, is that everyone in the world is sending love back to you and you just have to sit and bask in it. Lovely!

Baking Day

2009-07-29T12:40:00.000-07:00

Since I've been stuck at home all day I decided to do some baking. I had to break our quarantine to get eggs and butter. We're both doing ok. He's full of yellow snot and is a bit grumpy and whiny but mostly he's his usual silly self and we've been having some fun together. I just feel tired, a bit spaced out and headachey. I don't know how I'm supposed to survive five days indoors with a two year old. Just when you think you're suffering can't get any worse... Anyway, we had fun making the cake together. It's a courgette cake and it's the first time I've made one. We have courgettes coming out of our ears, we are producing so many at the allotment. I've put courgettes in pasta sauce, in chilli, in soup. I've fried them and baked them. But the courgette cake OMG! I'm not a big cake eating person and don't bake very often but this is lush. Very moist. It is very much like carrot cake with cinamon and all spice flavours. I added raisins because I didn't have sultanas and I lef the walnuts out because I didn't have any. I didn't make the icing because I'm not fond of icing. This is the recipe I followed: Thanks for your thoughts and prayers we're getting better rapidly as a result :)

Portions: 25cm (10 inch) Cake Tin or 2x20cm (8 inch tins)

Preparation: 15-20 minutes

Cooking: 1 hour

Ingredients

Courgette Cake

250g butter, broken up into pieces (at room temperature)
250g (1 cup) caster sugar or brown sugar
4 eggs
350g (3 cups) self raising flour
juice and zest of 1 an orange
1 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp mixed spice
350g (3 cups) courgette (zucchini), grated
50g (1/2 cup) walnuts, roughly chopped
80g (1/2 cup) sultanas

Orange Cream Cheese Icing

125g cream cheese
50g unsalted butter
300g icing sugar
juice and zest of 1/4 orange

Method

Courgette Cake: Grease and line a 25cm deep cake tin with baking paper. Preheat an oven to 180°C.
Place the butter and sugar in a bowl and beat until creamy. Add the eggs one at a time while mixing until the eggs are well incorporated.
Sieve the flour with the cinnamon and mixed spice. Fold in a 1/3 of the flour, followed by 1/2 of the orange juice and zest, repeat this using the remaining flour and orange, so that all the ingredients are well combined.
Stir in the courgette, walnuts and sultanas and incorporate well.
Pour the mixture into the prepared cake tin and place on the centre shelf of the preheated oven. Leave the cake to cook for around 1 hour or until the cake is firm to touch (if preparing 2x20cm cake tins, reduce the cooking time to 30-40 minutes). Turn the cake out on a rack and allow to cool.
Orange Cream Cheese Icing: Beat the cream cheese and butter together until creamy. Gradually beat in the icing sugar and orange juice and zest until you have a smooth creamy icing. Spread over the cooled cake. If you have prepared 2x20cm cakes, spread the icing over the top of the one and sandwich the two cakes together and then cover the top and sides of the cake.

Who Would You Be?

2009-07-27T20:46:00.000-07:00

What's worse than having insomnia then having to get up and deal with a two year old who is ill (I hope not with bloody swine flu) making him turn into satan's own child? What's worse is getting woken up by my husband who has developed insomnia and is pacing the squeaky floor boards at 4.30am. To get over my anger right now I will post something lovely that happened to me.

On my second visit to my therapist during severe depression which was about to get much worse with episodes of psychosis (which was a terrifying and amazing experience) he told me about Byron Katie. I looked at her web site and thought, 'who's this bloody woman, all smiles and sparkly eyes? What's she after?' Then I read her story and I thought, 'I hate you for being so successful when I'm in total hell. Why can't I have an instant spiritual experience that turns my life around and makes me rich? What's so special about her? Who does she think she is??'. What a lovely person I was at that time eh? Then I watched her videos. I told my therapist I had done this. 'What did you think' he asked? 'I cried for the people in the videos' I said. This was the beginning of a melting of my very hard heart. A beginning of a compassion for everyone in the world that replaced my fear. After I looked at her site she was stuck in my head. I couldn't see the world in the same way again. I wanted to tell all my friends and family because I knew they would find it so helpful. Most people were too afraid to look. Scared of what they would discover about themselves. 'People will give up everything but their suffering' she has said.

During her spiritual awakening she developed something called 'The Work' which is a powerful process of inquiry. It is amazing. She is amazing. It's a method that is a form of cognitive behavioural therapy with similarities to Buddhist teachings. It is free. You do it on your own. All the information is on the web site. A short while after my first encounter with The Work I came out of yoga one night and did the work on my father in my head and for the first time I cried. I did the work on my therapist. I did the work with my husband. This was an experiment. I did it without telling him what I was doing because I knew he would be totally cynical and dismissive of it. His perception of himself changed immediately. He stopped being such a pain in the arse. It was empowering, humbling, frightening, liberating. It changed my world. I realised 'it's all up to me now'. I stopped hating my husband (in that moment) and apologised to him for everything while crying with him for the first time. My love started to grow. I wrote a love poem to my friends (really very out of character) sent it to one of them who was so grateful and cried. I thought, 'oh my God I've got so much work to do!'.

I read her book Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life (with Stephen Mitchell). She helps people do the work on sexual abuse, cancer, fear of war, death of family members, self-hatred. She works with war veterans, criminals in prison.

I have always been EXTREMELY wary of anyone being a bit evangelical about anything. I'm not surprised my friends were sceptical. And it didn't mean I was free from depression immediately or cured of all problems or that I didn't need to see my therapist anymore or I don't feel anger and hatred anymore. I needed his support more if anything as I was going through so many huge changes in thinking and being at the time. Now that I can't afford to see him I have it as a crutch. One of the many coping and support methods I've discovered over the past year. This is why I want to share. X

The sky is really beautiful at 5.30am. Who would you be without your story?

http://www.thework.com/index.asp